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Vol 56: Issue 31

News

Dow Skyrockets After Coronavirus Begins Trading On New York Stock Exchange

NEW YORK—With investors highly bullish about the long-term prospects of the respiratory virus, market reports confirmed Friday the Dow Jones Industrial Average skyrocketed nearly 400…
Local

Lipstick-Covered Water Bottle Clearly Got Some Action Last Night
American Voices, Opinion

New York Attorney General Files Suit To Dissolve NRA

New York attorney general Letitia James told reporters in a press conference Thursday that her office will attempt to dissolve the National Rifle Association, alleging…
Local

Man With Obnoxious Voice Has Been Violently Killed Thousands Of Times In Imaginations Of Others

KALAMAZOO, MI—During a routine visit to a neighborhood coffee shop, local man Dan Billings was reportedly violently killed Friday for the thousandth time in the…
News, News In Photos

New Smoke Detector Only Alerts You If You’ve Got Decent Shot Of Getting Out Alive
Sports

Cardboard Fan In Stable Condition After Being Hit By Foul Ball

BOSTON—Assuring Red Sox Nation that the cutout would make a full recovery, General Manager Brian O’Halloran told reporters Friday that a cardboard fan was in…

Infographic, News

The Onion’s Guide To QAnon

The increasingly popular conspiracy theory QAnon was recently the target of a Twitter crackdown, and several of its adherents are running for office across the…
Local

‘Run! Dear God, Run!’ Screams Woman Who Forgot About Sourdough Starter As Doughy Tendril Wraps Around Throat

CHICAGO—Quickly grabbing for a kitchen knife as the warm, doughy tendril wrapped around her neck, local woman Keira Gardner urged her roommates to “run, dear…
American Voices, Opinion

Grocery Prices Spike During Pandemic

New data from the Bureau of Economic Analysis shows that the costs of meat, eggs, vegetables, and other staples have increased by up to 20%…
American Voices, Opinion

Facebook Launches TikTok Competitor

Facebook on Wednesday launched a new feature within Instagram called Reels that allows users to create 15-second video clips similar to the popular app TikTok.…
News

U.S. Officials Hurt Saudi Arabia Would Try To Develop Nuclear Weapon Rather Than Asking Nicely For One

WASHINGTON—Expressing a sense of betrayal over the Middle Eastern country not coming to them first, U.S. officials told reporters Thursday they were hurt that Saudi…
News

Depressed Michelle Obama Purchases Copy Of ‘Becoming’ To Inspire Her

WASHINGTON—Suffering from a lack of energy and motivation, a depressed Michelle Obama reportedly purchased a copy of Becoming Thursday to inspire herself. “I guess I’ll…

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