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Vol 56: Issue 49

Politics

‘The Onion’ Salutes The Courageous Legislators Determined To Overturn The Will Of Voters

Thank you for bravely standing up to the American voters.
Dispatch, News

‘The Onion’ Reveals The 2020 Walton Goggins Of The Year Is Walton Goggins

When the editorial board of The Onion converged to select its Walton Goggins Of The Year for 2020, the room, composed of dignitaries, professors, and…
News

Literary Scholars Discover First Draft Of ‘A Christmas Carol’ Where All 4 Ghosts Show Up At Once And Just Beat The Shit Out Of Scrooge

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Shedding new light on one of the famed writer’s most celebrated works, literary scholars from the University of Oxford reported Friday that they had…
American Voices, Opinion

Man With 90-Year Sentence For Marijuana Released From Prison

71-year-old Richard DeLisi has been released from a Florida prison after serving 31 of his 90-year sentence for marijuana trafficking, making him one of the…
News

FTC Calls For Facebook To Break Up Married Couple’s Weird Shared Account

WASHINGTON—Following a five-year investigation into their joint social media presence, the Federal Trade Commission announced Friday it was seeking an injunction that would require Facebook…
Infographic, News

Highlights Of The Massive Antitrust Lawsuit Against Facebook

On Wednesday, the Federal Trade Commission and 48 state attorneys general filed a massive antitrust lawsuit against Facebook. The Onion looks at some allegations, demands,…

Local

Woman Contorts Body To Show Appropriate Contrition For Being Near Person In Store
Local

Mom Flatly Informs 30-Year-Old Son He’s Getting 3 Sweaters And A Nintendo Switch For Christmas

WILMINGTON, DE—Dispensing with any air of formality, local mother Linda Southerton flatly informed her 30-year-old son James that he would be getting three sweaters and…
Local

Tabletop Crumbs Neatly Brushed Past Cupped Hand Directly Onto Floor
American Voices, Opinion

Guy Fieri Raises $21.5 Million For Unemployed Restaurant Workers

Food Network star Guy Fieri, host Diners, Drive-ins And Dives, has raised over $21.5 for restaurant workers struggling during the pandemic. What do you think?
American Voices, Opinion

Pantone Unveils 2 Colors Of The Year For 2021

Pantone announced Ultimate Gray and Illuminating, a bright yellow, are their colors of the year for 2021, marking the second time in 22 years the…
News, News In Photos

Tim Cook Introduces 2 Single Friends Who He Thinks Would Really Hit It Off In Apple Keynote

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