OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday. “Yes, my darlings, the time is near,” said Weaver, gently running her fingers through strands of red, green, and silver ribbon. “It won’t be long now. Patience, little ones, patience.” Weaver then reportedly gave a light kiss to one of her large fabric bows before returning her supplies to the closet and quietly shutting the door.

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Improved training to ensure that combat-ready assault rifles are not misused in the course of community policing

Armored vehicles to be decorated with murals celebrating the communities in which they are deployed

Switching to new all-organic tear gas blend

New funding for outreach programs to encourage better relationships between officers and their fathers

Officers to de-escalate tense situations by drawing progressively smaller firearms

iPads somehow incorporated

Disgraced law enforcement officials to be given even smaller desks than normal

Cops encouraged to report the misdeeds of their fellow officers, thereby sabotaging their own careers

Ensure this can all legally be thrown out the window if a cop feels threatened

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And this world would be a much better place if everyone else did, too.

If we want to go forward as a country, we have to move beyond race once and for all. It’s 2014! Why is it so hard for people to look past each other’s race, like I do, and see everyone as vaporous, beige-ish forms with limbs? All those blurry, vaguely human-shaped troublemakers shouting in the streets and the translucent bleeding-heart blobs moralizing on TV may feel the need to categorize everyone they see by their skin color, but I don’t give it a second thought. I wouldn’t even know how!

Take, for example, the recent deaths of Michael Brown and Eric Garner, which sparked widespread outrage over “institutional racism.” These protesters are stuck in the past. They haven’t progressed enough to see that we’re all just grayish-brown smudges between approximately 4 and 6 and a half feet tall. They are part of the problem! Whereas they see “black” victims and “white” police, I just see amorphous clouds of the same basic hue, some of which have guns.

Like Martin Luther King Jr., who spoke for nondescript blotches everywhere, I judge a man not based on the color of his skin, but on the content of his character. And I’ll be the first to admit that the civil rights era was important. It made sure that everyone, no matter what fuzzy, neutral tint their ill-defined, human-like shape happens to be, could enjoy the same liberties as anyone else. But it’s not the 1960s anymore, and the very idea of race is ridiculous now. We have a fuzzy, neutral-tinted president, for crying out loud! Get over it.

I’m not saying this is an easy road to walk. In fact, in many respects, the way I see the world has made my life a living hell. I don’t know who anyone is. I have no way to tell where one person ends and another begins. I’ve been married for 13 years and I honestly do not know what race my husband is, let alone his gender. I assume he is alive, but there’s no actual proof of that. I have no clue what my children look like, or if I have children, or if they are dogs. The universe is a terrifying orchestra of matter and sound not tethered to any discernible reality. I am literally living in horror every moment of my life.

But you don’t see me rioting in the streets about it, do you?

People ask me all the time if I have any black friends, and my answer is, I have no idea. What is black? Are the globs who are good at basketball “black”? Or are the globs who are good at math “black”? Like I said, I don’t see race, because I am not capable of discerning any physical difference between the nebulous tangle of lifesmears that comprise all of humanity. People accuse me—me!—of being racist. I am the least racist person in the world! How can it be racism if all I can see are fleeting wisps of electromagnetic activity and a shimmering aura that represents each person’s individual essence?

If everyone saw things from my perspective, we could finally put this issue of race in the past. Then every hazy, indistinct mass in this country could live in harmony. Except for those awful Spanish-accented humanoid shapes who are taking all our jobs. They need to go.

The post I Don’t See Race; I Only See Grayish-Brown, Vaguely Humanoid Shapes appeared first on The Onion.

Start ’Em

Johnny Manziel (QB): Manziel is finally showing the type of deluded confidence coaches have been waiting to see all year

Eli Manning (QB): With the Giants out of playoff contention, expect Manning to do what it takes to fuck his team out of a decent draft pick

Derek Anderson (QB): The Panthers expressed confidence in the backup quarterback, who arrived to practice Wednesday in a severely damaged sedan

Sit ’Em

Matthew Stafford (QB): Stafford has looked extremely comfortable all season while moving within a pile of defensive linemen

Latavius Murray (RB): Starting the explosive but oft-injured Murray is a risky option for those hoping to pay absolutely zero attention to a Raiders-Chiefs game

Ben Roethlisberger (QB): Expect the Steelers quarterback to be rattled after learning that the NFL’s new conduct policy includes several paragraphs specific to him

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“I’m beginning to think the laws of blind chance have no respect for the suffering of victims.”

Dennis Schaal • Advent Calendar Seller

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“This is a mockery of the traditional moral values promoted by state-sponsored gambling.”

Wendy Hedison • Buffet Assistant

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“Now, he can go door-to-door notifying neighbors in a much nicer part of town.”

George Saxon • Literary Agent

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The noisy, poorly dressed delegations, which convened for multiple sessions of bilateral discussion at a Best Western motor inn just outside Brisbane, reportedly addressed a range of issues important to schlubs in both countries, including reducing tariffs on microwaveable mozzarella sticks, establishing worldwide manufacturing standards for foam beer koozie production, and generally fostering a spirit of goodwill and cooperation within the international slob community.

“Since they arrived to the talks dragging their duffel bags behind them after disembarking at the wrong bus stop, envoys from both nations have appeared strongly committed to finding common ground,” said political analyst Catherine Burke, noting that, aside from a brief recess during which the delegates withdrew to a nearby mini-mart in order to procure Pall Malls and $2 scratch-off tickets, the schlubs have engaged in constructive dialogue. “In fact, a major breakthrough was achieved on the very first day after [schlub ambassadors] Peng Wu and Carl Savelli retired to a nearby bowling alley to play Photo Hunt on a coin-operated touchscreen machine and ironed out a framework for providing comprehensive subsidies to both countries’ sweatpants industries.”

“Though the talks have at times been strained over the issue of U.S. debt stemming from the Chinese delegates’ purchase of several cases of Miller Lite, both sides are making great strides toward normalizing Sino-American schlub relations,” she added. “Today’s joint resolution to diversify vending machine options in both countries was a huge step forward.”

According to observers, the three-day summit began with a photo op in which the schlub diplomats posed together while wearing recently purchased “Everything’s Bigger Down Under” T-shirts and blinking just as the camera flashes went off. U.S. schlub emissary Lenny Robinson then presented his Chinese counterpart with welcoming gifts that included a partially spent $25 Dunkin’ Donuts gift card and a VHS tape of Tremors recorded from a recent TNT broadcast.

Immediately thereafter, the schlubs reportedly initiated a closed-door conversation focusing on such agenda items as opening Chinese markets to duty-free imports of American-made Fathead wall decals and lifting economic sanctions imposed on the East Asian nation for its infringement of numerous handheld blackjack game patents.

Additionally, aides confirmed that the delegates later authorized a foreign aid package in which they committed a combined $156.45 in loose bills, change, and postdated checks to assist schlubs from developing nations in paying several public urination citations.

After ratifying the historic accord, sources reported that the delegates adjourned to go swimming in the Best Western’s indoor pool wearing only their boxer shorts.

“A lot of this complicated political stuff gets pretty boring, but I’m willing to work with these Chinese guys for as long as it takes or until I get tired,” said U.S. ambassador Ralph Haney, one of several signatories on a bilateral pact condemning Russia’s schlubs for reneging on their commitment to attend a recent outing to Buffalo Wild Wings. “We talked about setting up an arena football franchise in Tokyo [sic], which would be awesome, because then they could get us good tickets and we could all go together. That’s what diplomacy’s all about.”

According to sources, the first day’s negotiations concluded with a ceremonial dinner held at a nearby bar and grill, during which the U.S. and Chinese schlubs discussed the potential GDP gains offered by a work-from-home online-survey-taking venture as they dined on a lavish spread of pizza rolls and loaded potato skins.

Sources confirmed, however, that the summit was derailed on several occasions over lingering disagreements between the two parties, most notably the refusal of both delegations to cover the $12.95 cost of a pay-per-view showing of Traci Lords Undressed, which was reportedly watched by several diplomats from both sides in Chinese schlub Bao Qing-lai’s motel room. Additionally, sources confirmed that an unresolved debate over who ranked as the best wrestler among the WCW-era Four Horsemen led several U.S. schlubs to storm out of the conference room in anger.

“While we’ve made considerable progress this week, the Americans must be willing to meet us halfway on key issues, such as sharing crucial Barcalounger technology with our engineers,” Chinese schlub Longwei Hao said while filling a plastic grocery bag with complimentary muffins and individual-serving boxes of Froot Loops from the hotel’s continental breakfast counter. “And until the U.S. delegation establishes a firm timetable for syndicating Storage Wars in China, there can be no true partnership between our nations.”

At press time, following the summit’s conclusion, sources confirmed that nearly all of the U.S. and Chinese schlubs had arrived several hours late for their flights home and were sleeping on the floor at Brisbane Airport.

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When The Onion’s editorial board convened to determine its Person of the Year for 2014, the members of our selection committee were in agreement that identifying the individual most worthy of this distinguished honor would be no easy task. Indeed, when faced with reducing hundreds of esteemed innovators, philanthropists, and thought leaders to a single deserving recipient, the selection committee ultimately proved unable to choose just one man or woman who most embodies the values of integrity, benevolence, and courage that define this most prestigious of accolades.

Thus, following weeks of impassioned debate, The Onion is proud to present, for the first time ever, the two co-winners of our Person of the Year award: Pakistani human rights advocate Malala Yousafzai and 12-time WWE champion John Cena.

Over the course of the last year, who could be said to have accomplished more and had a greater impact on the world than these two? Yousafzai: an impassioned defender of women’s rights who has risked her life to campaign for equal education opportunities for girls. Cena: a physically dominant strongman and submission specialist who has ascended to the top of the professional wrestling world through his combination of charisma, athleticism, and devastating finishing moves, such as the “Attitude Adjustment” and the “STFU.”

Truly, no two more outstanding or inspirational figures could be said to exist.

Of course, though equals in the eyes of The Onion, Yousafzai and Cena took markedly different paths to this year’s honor. Yousafzai survived a vicious assassination attempt by a Taliban gunman, battling the odds to surmount her near-fatal injuries and emerging more dedicated than ever to advancing the ideals of equality and freedom. Much as Cena inspires countless millions of wrestling fans across the so-called Cenation, Yousafzai inspires young girls around the globe, even in spite of constant death threats, and earlier this year made history by becoming, at only age 17, the youngest-ever recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize.

No less remarkable are the accomplishments of Cena, whose work inside the ring has rightfully earned him praise and respect the world over. Just as Yousafzai survived an assassin’s bullets, the fearless WrestleMania headliner has endured hundreds, if not thousands of suplexes, backbreakers, and steel chair blows to the head, and yet has refused to submit to a three count time and time again. And like the Pakistani activist, Cena also proved his bravery, standing tall in the face of a range of foes every bit as vicious as the Taliban, including Roman Reigns, Brock Lesnar, and Kane. And though Cena’s list of victories is long and illustrious, perhaps no occasion was more heartening than his heroism at this year’s Money In The Bank pay-per-view, in which he improbably won the main event ladder match to secure the WWE World Heavyweight Championship belt, a celebrated prize rivaled only by the Nobel committee’s offering.

As stated, the voting process for this year’s award was competitive and impassioned. Faced with two icons of seemingly equal merit—Malala Yousafzai and John Cena—our panel was unable to decide which one was more deserving of our highest honor. Cena or Yousafzai? Just the fourth wrestler in history to win multiple Royal Rumble matches or a relentless crusader for equality and progress? Some choices cannot be made.

And though Cena technically won by a handful of votes, the selection committee ultimately determined that to place one above the other would be a disservice to them, to their legacies, and to you, the reader. Therefore, it is with great pleasure that The Onion presents our Person of the Year award to both humanitarian Malala Yousafzai and wrestler, actor, and rapper John Cena, two sources of inspiration to a world in desperate need of heroes.

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“Good for them to wait a couple weeks until racism is completely expunged from our legal system.”

Henry Gallegos • Stencil Designer

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“Well, clearly they still have a lot to learn about the American justice system if this was a surprise to them.”

Connie Grace • Light Fixture Installer

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“Come on. I realized I was working for a broken system years ago, and I still do my job.”

Ben Carlson • Defense Attorney

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