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“Why do people see little horns and leap to ‘devil’ instead of ‘juvenile gazelle?’”

Andre Livingston, Tortilla Presser

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“This is making me insecure about my horns.”

Prudence Cole, Lecture Auditor

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“Huh. I didn’t realize bees had started a war against heaven.”

Glen Begley, Uplighting Specialist

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“Be careful. Once they get a taste for combat, troops will keep coming back for more.”

Collin Gurworth, Protein Advocate

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“Hopefully this show of strength will convince the bears to come to the negotiating table.”

Athena Kalogeras, Clarinet Repairman

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“Hopefully humans and bears can set aside their differences and find a common enemy in squids.”

Jon Fosmark, Bell Ringer

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EPA officials confirmed plans to roll back dozens of environmental protections for the vulnerable insect population, vowing to introduce new standards for decimating monarch habitats and saying they would take particular joy in dismantling rules that safeguard those “smug, spotted fucks.”

“Savor that nectar now, you sniveling moth pricks, because under this administration, you little shits are living on borrowed time,” said EPA administrator Lee Zeldin, who angrily raised a fist while insisting that the end was near for Danaus plexippus. “Let that be a warning to any of you fluttery dicks thinking of migrating back to the United States next year—there’s a target on your stupid orange wings, and I put it there.” 

“If I catch even one of you outside your chrysalis,” he added, “you’re in for a world of pain.”

Zeldin expressed optimism that easing environmental regulations on the agriculture, energy, and manufacturing sectors would have a negative effect on the “brightly hued bastards” for generations to come. The agency chief said specific steps were being taken to introduce natural predators such as black-backed orioles, robber flies, and solitary wasps to locations where “showboating” monarchs maintain a high survival rate. In addition, he revealed plans to direct any remaining agency funding to the cultivation of parasitic infections to bring swift annihilation to the “unbearable, ornate assholes.”

The EPA also proposed a new spite-based policy that would require U.S. corporations to direct chemical runoff, air pollution, and any previously banned harmful pesticides toward monarch populations, with the agency documenting the “delightful” eradication of the “self-centered shitheads.”

“For years, American farmers have been subjected to politically motivated rules and regulations that prevented them from blasting these diurnal little milkweed-sucking morons into oblivion with cool shit like DDT, but that ends today,” Zeldin said. “And good luck flying through gigantic puffs of black smoke from the unregulated factories that will soon cover the nation’s prairies.” 

“Hope you like glyphosate, you compound-eyed fuckers!” the EPA head continued. “Next time you molt it will be your last.” 

Officials also promised to “open a can of environmental whoop-ass” on monarchs in the form of a public campaign that would create a series of hands-on school and community programs to teach citizens of all ages how to “pin those metamorphic freaks down and tear off their goddamn wings.” Zeldin told reporters the agency would offer incentives for homeowners to fill their yards with toxic swallow-worts that would create a hostile minefield for the “scaly jerk-offs and their disgusting larvae.”

Through its new Monarch Endangerment Campaign, the EPA said it would distribute step-by-step instructions for “spraying the ever-loving fuck” out of the insects with aerosol hairspray, Windex, Raid, or whatever else people had lying around that could “do some real damage to those pollen-fuckers.”

The White House confirmed the far-reaching reform was part of a broader mission across the federal government to reverse protections of “jackass bugs, worthless fish, and other dumbass creatures,” ending what they referred to as an era of corruption in which President Barack Obama prioritized the survival of the “shimmering little numbskulls” above corporate interests. 

Praising Zeldin and his team for “slashing through the red tape when it comes to bringing the hammer down on those wing-clapping fuckfaces,” President Donald Trump declared the initiative would usher in a new wave of innovation in American mass extinction events. 

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