Alcohol is EVIL! Congratulations to The Onion’s DRUNK of the WEEK: MITCH MELUM

Mitch earned his place among Madison’s most honored drunks by head-butting an innocent Onion Operative. Way to use your head, Mitch! All the same, if you ever attack one of us again, rest assured you’ll feel the full wrath of our legal team’s mastery of personal-injury law.

Onion Operatives will be out at bar time to pick a new Drunk of the Week. Featured drunks receive a certifiate, two bucks, and a pizza from Falbo Bros. The Onion offiially discourages the despicable practice of drinking alcohol.

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DIRECTIONS: Name the magazine in which these features appear:

1. “Picks & Pans”

2. “Humor In Uniform”

3. “Separated at Birth”

4. “Milestones”

5. “Party Jokes”

6. “Random Notes”

7. “The Talk of the Town”

8. “Faces In the Crowd”

9. “Spy vs. Spy”

10. “Hints from Heloise”

11. List of 500 companies with

highest gross revenue

12. “Goofus and Gallant”

13. “Periscope”

14. “Cheers & Jeers”

15. Nude Demi Moore covers

16. “Pencilwise”

17. “Index” of interesting numerical facts

18. “Shot by Shot”

19. “Hot Sheet”

20. “A View From the Castle”

Answers

1. People Weekly

2. Reader’s Digest

3. Spy

4. Time

5. Playboy

6. Rolling Stone

7. New Yorker

8. Sports Illustrated

9. Mad

10. Good Housekeeping

11. Fortune

12. Highlights for Children

13. Newsweek

14. TV Guide

15. Vanity Fair

16. Games

17. Harper’s

18. Premiere

19. Entertainment Weekly

20. Smithsonian

The post Cultural Idiocy Quiz appeared first on The Onion.

MDID

(Scat)

First, MDID is a one-man band that’s been recording since 1985. Second, MDID stands for My Dad Is Dead, but self-named band leader Mark Edwards abbreviated the name after repeatedly being asked what it meant. Third, Edwards sounds a lot like Joy Division’s Ian Curtis. One would assume the floodgates for musical pretension would be wide open. That may be true, but Edwards is adept at blending low-fi punk hooks with challenging guitar and monotone vocals. It’s dirty, it’s pretty, it’s an intense listening experience, and thankfully the lyrics aren’t as embittered as one might expect. —JG

Buy This Used Compact Disc:

A Dutch East India Sampler

Various Artists

(Dutch East India Trading)

As CDs get more expensive and major record labels clamp down on the sale of used CDs, some indies have smartly decided to retaliate on the consumer’s behalf. Dischord Records sells its discs mail order at half most albums’ list price. Cruz Records also charges a reduced list and offers advertising support for stores that carry used CDs. Now the well-known indie distributor Dutch East India has given greedy majors another kick in the pants. Buy This Used Compact Disc, a generous compilation featuring 22 artists and 73 minutes of music, sells for a ludicrously paltry $5.98—$5.98! Stores who carry the disc will be given extras to sell in used bins, and why the hell not? The artists—which include Sebadoh, Unrest and Uncle Tupelo, as well as numerous good bands on the label—will get the exposure they deserve. And for once, consumers don’t get screwed. —ST

In Search of Manny

Luscious Jackson

(Grand Royal/Capitol)

The idea of a Jewish, feminist, stoner, hip-hop act might sound like a recipe for disaster, but In Search of Manny is as shit-hot as shit-hot gets. Released on The Beastie Boys’ Grand Royal label, this album ranges from acoustic folk crooning to stylin’ slick sex rhymes, and joins the Beasties and 3rd Bass in offsetting the damage done by Marky Mark, Vanilla Ice, and numerous other white rap acts. The psychedelic dance track “Let Yourself Get Down” samples Schooly D’s “Saturday Night,” one of the dopest beats in history. Luscious Jackson is both yummy and nummy. —TH

Chairman of the Bored

Various Artists

(Grass)

If you haven’t yet bought yourself a present in honor of Frank Sinatra’s 78th birthday, consider this compilation, a backhanded compliment from 41 different bands. Ranging from eclectic (Kramer, Girls Against Boys) to obscure (Pool, Nod) to cult (Flaming Lips, Ed Hall), all the artists combine respect for Sinatra’s showmanship with contempt for the man himself. The results are great fun, especially Screeching Weasel’s blast through “Chicago” and Lotion’s surprisingly faithful take on “Fly Me To the Moon.” Important ironic trivia fact: Not even one of the songs on this two disc, two hour set was written by Ol’ Blue Eyes himself. —JK

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Though many feel this is an unethical system, we at The Onion both respect and honor it. We honestly believe everyone should attend the spectacular play Saturday Morning Live, which pays tribute to the hilarious cartoons of our childhood. There are countless reasons to attend this fine show, which, incidentally, is being underwritten by The Onion, Inc., and the local modern rock radio station, WMAD.

Performed by graduates of Chicago’s famous Second City, Saturday Morning Live pays tribute to 1970s children’s programming like Scooby Doo, The Superfriends, Hong Kong Phooey and Fat Albert. Complementing these sketches are renditions of old commercials as well as ABC’s Schoolhouse Rock classics like “Interplanet Janet,” “Conjunction Junction” and “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here.” Kitschy and hilarious, Saturday Morning Live is an ideal means of reliving fabulous childhood memories—and a great way to unwind before finals!

Underwriting local entertainment events such as Saturday Morning Live provides a vital supplement to the revenue The Onion generates through advertising, subscriptions and our child labor force. Without underwriting, we could not have opened the Onion Children’s Hospice, which has provided refuge to hundreds of Onion laborers suffering in the final throes of black lung disease.

Know this: Saturday Morning Live, performed by the Win One Ensemble, will be playing at Madison’s Old Music Hall (925 Bascom Hall) on Friday, Dec. 10, and Saturday, Dec. 11, at 8 p.m. and 10 p.m. Cost is a paltry $7.50 for students and $9.50 for non-students, and tickets are available at the Memorial Union Box Office, The Den and Capitol Centre Foods. They can also be charged by phone at 256-1372.

Also know this: First thing Sunday morning, Onion Operatives will begin knocking on doors and checking for ticket stubs.

If you think The Onion will stop at simply suggesting that you cooperate, you are dead wrong. Citizens of Madison foolish enough to not attend the hilarious comedy Saturday Morning Live will be subject to beatings, torture and imprisonment. In accordance with The Onion’s contract with the City of Madison, particularly uncooperative perpetrators will be rounded up and gassed.

The post Saturday Morning Live Is A Comedic Masterpiece! appeared first on The Onion.

Professor Theodore L. Chaptman, a well-known professor at the university, announced that he will be publishing a book.

The book, on the same subject that he teaches in his popular class at the university, will reportedly have several hundred pages. On the pages, Chaptman said he fully intends to have printed words, as well as page numbers.

The book will be bound, in all likelihood, by a publishing house or printer. Chaptman’s contract with the printer calls for them to put a back and front cover on the book, which should by all estimations have a title and possibly a design on it.

It will not the first book Chaptman has written. “I have written many other books on my subject,” Chaptman said. “Like the ones in the past, this too will be in the English language, and written with very good grammar. Also, I am considering adding pictures, and maybe even a graph or chart this time.”

Dr. Dennis Eisner, chair of Chaptman’s department at the university, was excited to have one of his staff members publish a book.

“It further enhances Professor Chaptman’s prestige in his field, a field in which he has written many other books.” Eisner said. “All of his books have been well-received, and we expect this one to be as well. It will have pictures.”

Noted photographer Jars Laman has been hired to shoot and compile photos for the book. Laman has shot many pictures on this subject, and is considered to be the best photographer in Chaptman’s field. The photos are expected to be developed, on paper, with a visible image. Laman has not decided whether to use color or black and white film. In any case, he will put film in the camera when he shoots the photos.

“If it is dark I will use a flash with my camera,” Laman said.

The post Professor To Publish Book appeared first on The Onion.

If there is a Satan, fellow travellers on this hurtling ball of cosmic mud, it is friction. If there is one insidious force robbing our daily toil of its intended efficiency, it is friction. If there is one plague the great minds of all nations must join together to cure, it is the tyranny that friction has established over all natural processes. Without bringing its cruel reign to an end, the human race will never take its place among the gods.

Friction! The very sound of the word is harsh and brutal. And why should it not be so? Think of friction’s perverse campaign of obstruction—every step you take, from cradle to grave, hampered by friction’s invisible presence. Your workplace travail, encumbered by its wraithlike weight. Mankind’s efforts, thwarted at every turn by the demon friction, without whose evil obstruction we would long ago have broken the surly bonds of Earth to tread the soil of distant worlds. But most horrifying of all is the manner in which friction’s tendrils have curled their way into the heart of the mundane.

Horrible to contemplate, yet true! Not even Everyman, oblivious to his plight as he trudges along through his narrow grey world, can be free from a force of whose nature he is all but ignorant. Does he know or care that friction lights the match that in turn lends its hellish fire to his coarse, foul-smelling, carcinogenic tobacco? Does he know that the liquor he throws down his gullet with such abandon is also friction’s evil by-product?

But the curse of all humanity, the albatross around the neck of the mariner tossed on the uncaring depths of existence, is not the fault of noble mankind. Indeed, you have, like as not, anticipated the culprit: Friction! Yes, fellow humans, we are once again faced with friction’s grasping ambition, and in this case our own nature. For I bring into the light this day a revelation: Without friction, we would no longer take the furtive, bestial, unclean pleasure in sex from which our race has suffered since the day we developed chromosomes. A kind of friction is responsible for our love of sexual congress, and therefore friction is responsible for the seamiest strains of moral failure. No longer shall conniving theologians point the gaunt fingers of an ignorant and destroying hand at the sciences and lay the blame for our too-permissive society at the feet of Athena. Rather, we have found the reason for our perverse society in the oldest of mankind’s enemies: yes, I say again, that enemy is friction.

The groveling spasm of our sexuality shall hold no sway over our godlike race if we can only defeat the specter of frictive forces. To that end, I propose that the defense budget be written so as to devote a larger fraction of our nation’s tax revenue to fight the unclean corruptor of all that is pure in thought or deed, namely friction, that one day our children’s children shall walk in the chaste cool light of a frictionless dawn. Only in this fashion may mankind shed his ancient skin of the flesh and aspire to his true destiny—to reach the stars. O

The post Friction Must Be Eliminated! appeared first on The Onion.

Student housing usually involves shoddy accommodations, sparse furnishings, and tenuous landlord–tenant relations. But some students, unburdened by day jobs, student loans, or financial limitations of any kind, require a bit more to maintain tolerable daily comfort.

For these students, a new rental package is being offered by Le Mons, the luxurious downtown housing facility built last year to accommodate the rising number of upper-crust students in attendance at the University (following the recent toughening of admissions standards at east-coast schools). Students are able to special-order such services as standing pools of urine, random sporadic gunfire, frozen corpses on their doorsteps, and the new Infest-O-MagicTM process, which brings authentic Manhattan-style cockroaches directly into the customer’s home.

“Let’s face facts,” Le Mons owner Ruth Hazelwood said. “My tenants aren’t just any ordinary kind of people. They’re used to the very best, and have high standards for their cultural environment. It is important that, as displaced Manhattanites, they continue to enjoy the elite lifestyle they’ve grown accustomed to. By providing them with these services, we not only insure customer satisfaction, we can charge their parents even more.”

Le Mons resident Horace Greenworthy, a sophomore who recently had his apartment infested with assorted vermin, agrees. “As a native of New York, I’m entitled to fineries that lesser folk must be denied,” he said. “Why, back home, in the cultural nexus of New York, I can’t leave a dish of food out on the kitchen counter for more than two minutes before the entire thing is swarmed by hungry bugs. Now, thanks to Infest-O-Magic, I have the same situation here.”

Options like Infest-O-Magic are quite costly. But so far, the exorbitant fees have deterred few renters. This comes as no surprise to Hazelwood, who likes to boast that her clientele are so well-off that many have never even seen money in its traditional cash form.

Hazelwood has hired a round-the-clock staff of muggers, rapists, and beggars to insure that the crime rate around Le Mons remains at a level at least nine times higher than that of the surrounding community. “I was initially worried that I might turn into a commoner after moving out here and mingling with the lower gentry,” said Le Mons resident E.C. Mauer, “But I knew I’d be all right when, upon entering the building’s homeless-strewn lobby, I was beaten and robbed by a gruff, ethnic gentlemen. It felt just like home.” Mauer also expressed pleasure at the fact that cab fares to and from Le Mons are five to eight times more expensive than regular fares.

His sentiments were echoed by Linny Gold, another tenant. “No offense is intended to the locals,” she pointed out, “but we don’t come from the same primitive rural backgrounds that they did. I’m sure there are many nice folks who grew up in smog-free, low-crime communities. But then again, how many of them have seen anything as fabulous as Miss Saigon?”

In order to insure that Le Mons residents won’t be forced to mingle with the poor on a social level, visitors are not permitted anywhere in the apartment complex. Hazelwood emphatically warns that any students not from the east-coast attempting to socialize with Le Mons leaseholders will be shot on sight.

The post Highbrow Student Apartments Offer Authentic East-Coast Feel appeared first on The Onion.

Sunday, November 28

4:34 a.m. Officer dispatched to Witte Hall in regard to an open safe. Upon arrival, officer made contact with custodial staff and inventoried contents of safe. Nothing was missing, but the safe could not be closed because the latch was broken. Officer called a locksmith who said that it could wait until morning. Officer made sure that all doors leading up to the safe were secured. No further action.

Tuesday,

November 30

9:56 p.m. Officer dispatched to Regent Street concerning a conveyance. Upon arrival, officer met a woman who requested transport from Regent St. to the UW Hospital Emergency Room. The woman stated that her throat was sore and there were signs of swelling. She was transported without incident. No further action.

Wednesday,

December 1

2:38 a.m. Officer dispatched to Ogg Hall for a noise complaint. Officer made contact with a housefellow who had phoned in a complaint about two female students who were playing music too loudly in their room. The housefellow had asked the women to turn down their music two times before the officer’s arrival, and the women had complied with her request. However, other members of the dorm had also complained. Officer made contact with subjects and asked them to turn down the music to a moderate level, in deference to the dorm’s quite hour that was in effect. Officer noticed three males in the room and asked them to leave. They did so without incident. No further action.

7:03 a.m. Officer responded to soccer field area near Bay Drive for a report of a woman that had fallen in the snow. Officer found the woman with a bare left foot. She was sitting upright in the snow but unresponsive to the officer’s questioning. Officer discovered an empty bottle of Sominex in the woman’s backpack. Woman was transported to the UW Hospital for assistance.

11:35 a.m. Officer dispatched to Humanities building to check on a man sleeping on a heating vent. Officer arrived, located subject sleeping on grate and awoke him. The man verbally identified himself and a warrant check yielded negative results. The man was escorted from the area. No further action.

Thursday, December 2

1:55 a.m. Officer dispatched to Humanities Building, Park Street overpass, where several white males were reportedly spray-painting the letter “E” on everything they saw. Officer was told that these youths were writing the letter “E” on everything on campus to make a political statement. Officer was told that the letter “E” represents Earth and Environment, and that these particular vandals are environmentalists. Officer verbally warned one of the suspects and told him to warn his friends. Suspect agreed not to write on UW property any more. It should be noted that the chalk used to write the letter “E” was non-toxic. No further action.

2:58 a.m. Officer on routine patrol between Frances and University was flagged down by a male holding onto the arm of a female. Upon contact, officer noted that woman smelled strongly of intoxicants, and she was barely able to stand. Officer asked man what had happened and he replied “I was walking when I saw this woman fall onto the sidewalk and she dropped all her Christmas packages. I then flagged you down.” Man was thanked for his assistance and then released. Woman was determined to be incapacitated by the use of alcohol and a danger to herself. She was transported to detox. No further action.

9:20 a.m. Officer dispatched to Bascom Hall in response to report of criminal damage to the Lincoln Statue and the surrounding buildings. A woman told the officer that on the previous night, someone had wrapped a pink, plastic material around the head of the statue. Also, unknown persons had written the capital letter “E” on the statue in spray paint. Reportedly, the same letter had been written on Birge Hall and the Commerce Building. Woman showed officer the remains of chalk graffiti on Bascom Hall outside the east main entrance. It is unknown what the letter “E” is in reference to. The pink plastic addition to the Lincoln Statue may have been related to an AIDS awareness day on 12-1-93. There was no covering on the statue when the officer arrived, as maintenance personnel had already removed it and washed off the graffiti. There are no suspects or witnesses.

Friday December 3

4:03 a.m. Officer dispatched to Primate Lab to investigate criminal damage to building. Woman showed officer orange spray paint on the front entrance door and a cement pillar by the front door. The estimated damage costs were $125. Officer was unable to locate any witnesses or suspects. Officer did observe that a small video camera was mounted on a wall inside of the main entrance doors of the Primate Lab. Officer was unable to determine if the camera was working or if it had taped the crime as it had occurred. No further action.

The post The Onion's Weekly Campus Crime Roundup appeared first on The Onion.

Taurus: (Apr. 20–May 20) Get away from it all and build yourself a nice house in the country. That way you can continue skinning mules without waking the neighbors.

Gemini: (May 21–June 21) Your underpants do not accurately represent your age or gender. Shame on you.

Cancer: (June 22–July 22) Spend a few extra moments with the kids this week. Take them to the place where fun begins—your area tile store.

Leo: (July 23–Aug. 22) Crazy antics ensue when your new roommate turns out to be a polar bear, and you’re fresh out of chum.

Virgo: (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) At last, your career in the movies has come to fruition. Too bad you’ll be decapitated by a low-swinging boom mic.

Libra: (Sept. 23–Oct. 23) Your unhealthy obsession with Mr. Magoo has gone too far. It’s not a bad idea to blind yourself with a leather punch.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24–Nov. 21) Doctors will confirm this week that lined paper causes ear cancer. Write letters on papyrus.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Love life getting a tad dull? Why not soak your genitals in mild salsa?

Capricorn: (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) You will have a great day until your intestines are yanked out by zombies. Then it will just be okay.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Assert your position firmly. Craft a space gun out of an old microwave oven to take out The Man.

Pisces: (Feb. 19–Mar. 20) Say, what’s that whistling noise? Ohmigod, AIIIIIIIIGH!

We regret to inform readers that Ms. Wyner-Io has been crushed by a meteor. Will she survive? Join us next week for the cliffhanger season finale of Ruby Wyner-Io’s Your Real Horoscope.

The post Your Real Horoscope appeared first on The Onion.

Scheduled to take place in mid-February, the Bus Pageant promises to be spectacular.

Arcola mayor Alfred Krauss said in a nationally televised news address. “Connoisseurs of city bus travel know that the Arcola Mass Transit system boasts the loveliest bus fleet, and also lays claim to the least bus-related deaths and mental-illness-related mucous slippage.

The opening ceremony, to be held at the Municipal Garages, will feature a solemn “blessing of the buses” by Bishop Richard Freehley. Noted area lounge singer Wayne Suavee will debut a new composition written especially for the day, entitled “Drive On To Romance.”

A promedade following the ceremony will feature every Arcola bus in a continuous convoy through the city’s industrial district. Scheduled to appear as the pageant’s head judge is Dean Frinisd, the guy who sits in front of the bus and talks to himself. When asked for commentary on the pageant, Frinisd said “Bitch! You bitch! Lie to me, will you? You bitch!”

Bus Operations Chief and Pageant organizer Warren Ludlow said. “He’s been a loyal passenger for over two decades and has helped push the Arcola bus system into the ’90s. To christen the lead bus in the promenade, Frinisd will defecate in his trousers, scoop out a handful of his feces and use it to spell the word bitch on the side of the bus.

The Bus Pageant ceremony will take place in the parking lot of event co-sponsor Benderman’s Slaughterhouse. There, the panel of nine judges will be given the difficult task of choosing “Arcola’s Liveliest Bus.” The winning vehicle will get a soapy water scrubdown and a coupon good for a discounted oil change at any Sir Waxer outlet.

Competition will be held in four major categories. In the Talent Competition, busses will be judged for “most skillful right turn.” In the Chassis Competition, busses will parade before judges without their exterior frames, revealing the alluring inner-workings of their recoiling parts and motors. In the essay category, drivers will be asked this year’s special theme question: “How will you make the world a better place for our children through bussing.” And the Evening Gown Competition, busses will be elegantly draped with an attractive, rust-resistant tarp.

Other features of the judging include Best Vandalism and Best Viscous Floor Covering.

After the pageant, a number of city bus stops will host a series of bus-related events. At the stop at Fourth and Main, a contest will be held to see who will stand around and wait the longest. Last year’s winner, May Rundel, waited for 73 hours before collapsing of exposure and dehydration.

The stop under the Tartan Avenue viaduct will house a “Virtual Bussing” display, which will utilize interactive computerized video to simulate actual bus routes. “The program will allow people to experience a detailed facsimile of a bus ride, complete with images of Pete’s Guns, Buzz’s Liquor, the Tool Museum, and other Arcola landmarks.” Ludlow said. “Of course, it will never beat the real thing.”

In the end, the Municipal Bus Pageant will be not about the attractiveness of a single bus, but a celebration of all things mass transit. “The people love Arcola Municipal Bus, and Arcola Municipal Bus loves the people,” Ludlow said. “Who among us hasn’t been lulled to sleep by the steady rocking of our buses as they plow their furrow across the dark night? Who can forget their childhood excitement when they yanked the bell-pull for the first time? Or the mustachioed smile of the kindly driver, and the perky sound of his paper punch perforating a transfer? The Bus Pageant will bring these simple joys to everyone.”

Ludlow went on to stress that smoking, eating, drinking, and the playing of loud music would not be allowed at any time during the celebration.

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