The rodent-gnawed documents, which were recovered by historians from various filthy sites in England and France, provide scholars with a unique glimpse into just how utterly perplexed rat-shit-soiled physicians were by the plague’s rapid dissemination.

“Verily, as I brush’d a thin layer of vermin dung from my eyes to espy with clearer gaze, I saw to my amazement that our entire village had somehow run afoul of this vile and horrendous pox,” doctor of physick Osbert Langley of Gloucester wrote in a journal entry dated Mar. 19, 1349. “I ran immediately home, swept the festering rats from my laboratory table, and set about devising an elixir of perry and gillyflowers to help combat whatever could possibly be causing this devilish epidemick.”

Despite the 14th-century healers’ attempts to link the Black Death’s spread to either the alignment of the stars, God’s anger, or the poisoning of wells by Jews, they never deduced within the excrement-stained pages of their journals the exact origin of the disease.

“The people of our hamlet were once plentyfull,” physician Guillaume Faicheur of Marseilles wrote on Oct. 23, 1348. “As plentyfull as the droves of rodents that scurry about our streets and homes. But now we are hedg’d on all sides by the sick and the dying, and surely some unknown, diseas’d element is to blame. Any fool can see that. It is as plain as the fleas in the feculent water we drink, of which there are so very, very many.”

A number of entries from late 1350 show that, as a final resort, the learned men of Europe planned to import thousands of rats from Asia Minor in an attempt to frighten the plague away.

The post Rat-Shit-Covered Physicians Baffled By Spread Of Black Plague appeared first on The Onion.

Jensen, a 32-year-old cable installation technician who had fallen asleep several hours earlier, was reportedly in the middle of a conversation with his former high school biology teacher, Mr. Campbell, at the time of the unexpected disturbance.

“Now Brian, I would love nothing more than to help you mend your relationship with your mother, but I’m afraid…wait, is that smoke?” said the dream version of Campbell, who then he set down his briefcase, took an eggplant out of his jacket pocket, and sniffed at the air suspiciously. “Something’s definitely burning around here.”

Over the next several minutes, Jensen reportedly wandered through the shifting dreamscape, meeting distant cousins, beloved family pets, and automotive pioneer Henry Ford, all of whom appeared visibly concerned with the increasing heat and acridity.

According to dreams sources, the sleeping 32-year-old soon found himself aboard an empty passenger train, where a coughing and gasping German customs officer asked him for his travel documents.

Several times, the man wondered aloud in his thick accent “where all this smoke was coming from,” and while stamping Jensen’s passport, he twice stopped to rub his stinging red eyes.

“Not since the war have I seen smoke like this,” said the German, who sources claimed then slowly melted away to reveal Jensen’s former Pizza Hut coworker Craig Weiss. “Dude, it’s so fucking hot in here. I’m sweating my balls off.”

“Jesus Christ, Brian,” the fast-food employee continued. “Did you let another pizza burn or something?”

This incident aboard the train was followed by a succession of other puzzling events, including the sudden appearance of a dozen exploding thermometers, the arrival of a cigarette-smoking bedside lamp, and what sounded like the muffled echoes of banging and screaming coming from behind a small wooden door.

It was also at this point that a frantic gas stove, running around in circles and crying desperately for someone to put it out, was first seen.

“I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe,” shouted folk hero Davy Crockett. “We need to get rid of some of this smoke.”

A motion to immediately open a window to let in some fresh air was approved by a majority of those voting in the dream, among them a group of injured boy scouts, sports commentator Marv Albert, Smokey the Bear, and a locked bedroom window. A doctor who had taken Jensen’s tonsils out when he was 12 opposed the decision, however, calling instead for immediate evacuation.

Although it’s not clear how Jensen wound up in the kitchen of his late uncle Gary’s home, dream sources revealed that a cheerleader from Jensen’s middle school approached him at that time. Dressed in a short pleated skirt, the cheerleader reportedly leaned in close, parted her perfect red lips, and then blasted the 32-year-old in the face with a blaring fire-truck siren.

“Brian, you’re burning up,” the slender, giggling teenage girl said. “You’re burning up!”

Jensen’s romantic efforts were further interrupted when an old woman carrying a tray of candles entered the kitchen and urged him to “please wake up” so he wouldn’t be late for work. Moments later, a flaming roof beam screamed at Jensen to get out of its way as it fell and crashed to the ground.

“What are you still doing here—-they’re all looking for you,” shouted the roof beam, flanked by several other beams all tumbling to the floor. “Nobody can find you!”

At press time, there was an intense smell of rising smoke and slow-roasting pork.

The post Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke appeared first on The Onion.

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7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST

iCarly, Drake & Josh, The Naked Brothers Band, and Ned’s Declassified all base half-hour episodes on the plot of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, and some writer got paid for each one.

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Week 1: Just before the opening kickoff of his first game of the season, Tim Tebow wins the 2009 Heisman

Week 4: Defensive end Adrian Clayborn gets the momentum going for Iowa in their win over Penn State after he blocks a punt and returns it 53 yards, then kicks an onside kick, recovers the fumble, and leads the team downfield with an eight-play, 46-yard drive

Week 5: By riding out the clock at the end of its victory against Utah State, BYU achieves its time-of-posession goal of 31 minutes and 15 seconds

Week 9: The phrase “I think the basketball team is supposed to be pretty good this year” overheard in dining halls across the Notre Dame campus

Week 11: Boise State complains about how the WAC gets no respect through entire 63-25 win over Idaho

Week 12: Some team you’ve never heard of from a terrible conference you’ve never heard of continues its undefeated season

Week 14: West Virginia linebacker J.T. Thomas makes a genius—albeit a bit unorthodox—decision to catch a pass from Rutgers quarterback Tom Savage with two minutes to play, which, in accordance with NCAA rules, gives West Virginia possession of the ball

Week 15: Some guy in a suit taps Nebraska tackle Ndamukong Suh on the shoulder and hands him the Bronko Nagurski Trophy

The post College Football Highlights 2009 appeared first on The Onion.

“It’s about time someone taught these schools a lesson for trying to be good.”

“Sounds like a dick move to me: two no-name football programs coming up the ranks and trying to prove themselves to the country. Come on, assholes, start sucking at football again.”

“College football needs some kind of a scoring system that could rate how well a team is doing in each game so then we could use ’standings’ to determine who is better or worse.”

The post On The Two Non-BCS Teams Meeting In A BCS Bowl Game: appeared first on The Onion.

The post Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck appeared first on The Onion.

Yeah, that’s right. At this time last Thursday, I had a 5-inch barbed hook going directly through my face and pectoral fin. Straight fucking through—no joke. I’m not making this up. This actually happened to me.

So, obviously, that leaves just one question: How batshit insane do you have to be to put a hook inside a squid and then place that squid in an area where there are tons of yellowfin tuna who might try and bite it? I could have been killed, for Christ’s sake! My mouth still feels like it’s on fire, and I’m scared as shit to go after any squid again.

Oh, and by the way, we’re not talking about some dinky little plastic hook or a hanger or anything like that. We’re talking about a sharp fucking hook with this weird, messed-up triangular metal point thing at the end that made it nearly impossible to get out. I had to contort my face in positions I never knew existed to get unhooked from that thing.

Now, while I would like to imagine this was all an accident, I can’t help but think that some sick fuck was sitting around one day and decided to go on a yellowfin-tuna torture spree. And worse yet, my hunch is that this grade-A psychopath is still out there somewhere, because when I got free, the squid was pulled away by a chain. He could be out there right now trying to fuck up another tuna like me. If not today, then maybe tomorrow or next week; you just don’t know when you’re dealing with this degree of psychopathy.

What did I do to deserve this? When have I ever put a hook into someone else’s food supply? Never, because I believe there is an unwritten social contract that governs how we treat one another and that precludes tricking someone into eating a sharp metal hook that can rip their goddamn cheeks out.

Also, I’m not some sadistic, mentally disturbed fuckface.

Look, I eat a lot of squid. I love them. Along with anchovies, sardines, various crustaceans, and mackerel, squid is one of my favorite types of food. Easily. So when I see one, I go after it. I’ve grown accustomed to a certain squid-eating lifestyle, but now that’s something I’ll always have to question. I mean, come on. Hooks in squid? Life is stressful enough, what with worrying about being eaten by a mako shark every goddamn day, and now I have to worry about hooks in my food?

But here’s the thing that really pisses me off: I think it was all premeditated. Not just some act of stupidity or ignorance. Premeditated. Planned in advance.

I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. The placement of the squid was perfect. It was as if whatever whack job did this somehow understood that yellowfin tuna like swimming in the mid-afternoon and prefer low-lit environments. And by putting the hook above the squid’s siphon and mantle and into its fins, this crazy fuck actually made it look like the squid was swimming freely, unattached to anything at all.

Perhaps most chilling, the squid was alive. Now, if I were a complete fucking sociopath and I wanted to trick a yellowfin tuna into ripping its face off, the best way to do it would be to lure it in with a live squid. It’s like he knew we think dead squid tastes like shit.

That reminds me, I really love live squid. My God, is it delicious. I can’t even describe how good it is. The fresh slime, those juicy succulent tentacles. Just the thought of biting into a squid’s moist stomach makes me hungry. I would do anything for a live squid right about now. Yup, a mid-afternoon live squid snack would sure hit the spot.

Oh, look! A squid just appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, right in front of that net-type object! Mmm, mmm, that looks good! I’m gonna go get some.

The post What Kind Of Sick Fuck Would Put A Hook In A Juicy Squid Where A Fish Could Easily Eat It? appeared first on The Onion.