Vol 54: Issue 51 Archives - The Onion

Study: Most Concussions Can Be Prevented By Wearing Second Helmet

The Onion Staff — Mon, 24 Dec 2018 01:00:00 +0000

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Joe Buck Tears Rotator Cuff After Awkward Throw Down To Sideline

The Onion Staff — Sun, 23 Dec 2018 19:00:00 +0000

DALLAS—Grimacing and clutching at his shoulder, Fox NFL announcer Joe Buck tore his rotator cuff after an awkward throw down to the sideline during the second quarter of the Buccaneers vs. Cowboys game. “You hate to see an announcer go down like that. Especially on such a routine throw down to Erin to check the field conditions. He’s made that throw a thousand times,” said commentator Troy Aikman, adding that Buck went down hard after stumbling over the first few words of the sentence and was still on the ground writhing in pain after the update was over. “You could see something was wrong the second the words left his mouth, it just didn’t look right. He twisted awkwardly as he said ‘on the sideline’ and then this shock of pain crossed his face. This isn’t as bad as when I saw Al Michaels tear his ACL on a touchdown call, but there is no way Joe is going to be announcing for at least a month.” At press time, Aikman was being treated for a concussion after attempting to analyze the play call on a third-down conversion.

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NFL Defends Right To Subject Eric Reid To Random Stop-And-Frisks

The Onion Staff — Sun, 23 Dec 2018 17:30:00 +0000

CHARLOTTE, NC—Categorically denying allegations that the tactic was unconstitutional and unfairly targeted players who protested the national anthem, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement Sunday defending the NFL’s right to subject Panthers safety Eric Reid to random stop-and-frisk searches. “We’re simply trying to keep the game clean and provide a safe environment that benefits all our players. In this case, we received an anonymous tip about a suspicious-looking individual with a mask obscuring his face acting aggressively towards our players and decided to inform the proper authorities,” said Goodell at a press conference in which he advised Reid against loitering at the line of scrimmage or other sensitive areas to avoid similar incidents moving forward. “He was described holding an unidentified object in his hands, a description which prompted officials to detain Mr Reid and perform a thorough strip-search. We were all relieved to discover it was just a football, this time, but no single player is above the code of conduct.” Reid and 11 of his teammates are currently being held for questioning on suspicion of gang-related activity after eyewitnesses observed them wearing clothes bearing the same colors and threatening logo.

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Charity Notes Even One Dollar Can Help A Needy Child But You’d Have To Be A Dick To Give That Little

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 20:13:00 +0000

LONDON—Noting that making a difference would cost less than a single cup of coffee, the Against Malaria Foundation released an advertising campaign Friday stressing that even one dollar could help a needy child, but you’d have to be a complete fucking dick to give that little. “For just one dollar out of your paycheck, you could help make sure no child has to experience this horrible disease, although what kind of a callous prick would you be to send us one measly buck?” said the commercial’s voiceover, explaining that any contribution was appreciated in this season of giving, but, that you would need to be a real heartless fuck of a Scrooge to look at how fortunate you are this Christmas and how little these children have and decide one-hundred pennies was the most you could possibly spare. “Every cent counts, of course. Then again—Seriously, a dollar? A single fucking dollar? You’re a despicable son of a bitch. What kind of goddamn monster would think that was sufficient?” The advertisement also stressed that for just $3,742 you could help these disadvantaged children and still look yourself in the mirror the next day.

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Apple Will Build $1 Billion Campus In Austin, Adding 5,000 Jobs

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 20:06:00 +0000

Apple plans to employ 5,000 new workers at a new campus one miles from downtown Austin, TX, which will eventually have room to accommodate up to 15,000 workers. What do you think?

“Couldn’t they have turned it i
Frank Ewing • Pâté Whipper

“Who am I to question a billionaire’s decision?”
Beatriz Riley • Fantasy Literary Editor

“Sweet, SXSW could use another venue!”
Luke Emerson • Glass Harmonica Artisan

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Nation’s Panicked, Blood-Covered Citizens Demand You Give Them Just One Goddamn Second To Think

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 18:39:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Pacing frantically back and forth, wiping flecks of gore from their faces, and muttering that they could get everything under control if they just had more time, the panicked and blood-drenched citizens of the United States barked at everyone in their immediate vicinity Friday, demanding just one goddamn second to think. “Shut up, shut up, shut up! We just need a minute to figure everything out, okay?” said viscera-splattered spokesperson Luke Knauss, staring intently but impotently at the warm blood dripping from his hands before grabbing his friend’s cell phone and smashing it on the ground in case it could be traced. “Okay, okay, that bought us a couple minutes. Oh God, fuck, alright. We can fix this. We can fix this. Everything will be fine as long as we move quick, think smart, and come up with a plan. Fuck, everything is happening too fast!” At press time, America’s blood-drenched citizens had managed to find an abandoned but running police SUV, cram their kids in the back, and tell them not to look no matter what they heard before driving off down a backcountry road with their headlights doused in search of a secluded ravine.

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Exhausted Robert Mueller Turns Off Phone To Give Himself Breather From Russia Probe News Over Holiday Break

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 17:48:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Desperate to unwind after months of nonstop work investigating Russian influence in the 2016 election, visibly exhausted Special Counsel Robert Mueller powered his phone down Friday in order to give himself a break from any news concerning the probe over the holiday break. “The last thing I want when I’m spending time with my family is a cascade of push notifications telling me yet another Russian oligarch, political operative, or highly placed socialite used Deutsche Bank channels to funnel money to the campaign,” said the former FBI director, firmly holding down his phone’s power button and adding that he wants to be “completely present in the moment” while celebrating with his loved ones, not ruminating about who met with which diplomat or whether someone was using social media to tamper with his witnesses. “I just want to have two calm weeks where I don’t even think about Individual One. I won’t even say his name. I’ll have to wait to hear about any important developments in January, since I just know the second I read, say, something about Eric being involved more deeply than we previously suspected, I’ll get pulled back in and ruin my whole vacation.” At press time, Mueller had reactivated his phone just to check the news real quick.

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Man Watches Helplessly As White Elephant Exchange Completely Devolves Into Friends Just Chatting And Having Nice Time

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 17:17:00 +0000

CHICAGO—Staring wide-eyed at the table full of unopened presents being largely ignored by guests, local man Rick Joseph reportedly watched helplessly Friday as the White Elephant exchange completely devolved into friends just chatting and having a nice time. “Christ, it should have been my turn to pick a gift over an hour ago, but we keep getting derailed by everyone blabbing on and on about what they’re doing for fucking Christmas,” said Joseph, who was forced to listen to friends engaged in pleasant conversations about family traditions, favorite holiday recipes, and beloved childhood memories of the festive season. “Ugh, this is a goddamn disaster. These chumps should be strategizing about which person they’re going to screw over to get the best present, but instead they’re wasting this time trying to bond. No one is even fighting. This is the last time I invite people over for a holiday party.” Joseph confirmed that the evening turned into an utter nightmare after his friends began singing their favorite Christmas carols.

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Hand Of George H.W. Bush Bursts Out Of Ground To Grope One Last Woman

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 17:12:00 +0000

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Bose Releases New Headphones Specifically Optimized For Listening To Whitney Houston’s ‘How Will I Know?’

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 16:39:00 +0000

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Calling the product the must-have item for true music connoisseurs, Bose officials announced Friday the release of the new W85 headphones that are specifically optimized for listening to Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know.” “We’re proud to introduce the W85 as the next generation in Whitney optimization,” said spokesperson Kathleen Campbell, touting the new headphones’ variety of customized features designed to enhance listener experience of the highs, lows, and key changes of the 1985 chart-topping hit. “With these new headphones, listeners can be sure they’re receiving the premiere ‘How Will I Know’ experience, from the song’s opening beats all the way to its iconic tenor saxophone solo—not to mention the smooth, powerful voice of Houston herself. The upbeat anthem of young love even comes preloaded onto the headphones on a six-hour loop, so there’s nothing to plug in or download. You’ll never listen to ‘How Will I Know’ the same way again.” Bose also teased the upcoming release of a new $4,000 home entertainment system optimized for “How Will I Know.”

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Poll: Most Americans Oppose Increased Political Correctness

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 15:56:00 +0000

In a finding that crossed racial, educational, and demographic lines, a new NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll found most Americans are against the country becoming more politically correct, including a majority of independent voters. What do you think?

“I’m glad that America can come tog
Humbert Talbot • Unemployed

“Hey, as long as I don’t personally find it offensive, I say go for it.”
Peggy Bevan • Fashion Automator

“You mean I’ve been bottling up all these racial and sexual slurs for no reason?”
Stefan Bell • Egg Shell Collector

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Podiatrists Recommend Getting Feet Rotated Every 6 Months

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 15:46:00 +0000

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