Entertainment Archives - The Onion

Terry Gross Conducts ‘Fresh Air’ Interview On Bluetooth During Uber Shift

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to earn extra income after Congress rescinded $1.1 billion in funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Fresh Air host Terry Gross reportedly conducted an interview Thursday via Bluetooth during an Uber shift. “And what can you tell us about how bull riding has changed since—oh shit, that was my exit. Yep, that was my exit,” said Gross, who used an iPhone perched on the dashboard of her 2013 Honda Civic hatchback to speak with a guest on her radio program while chauffeuring Uber riders through the streets of downtown Philadelphia. “Are you Allison? Did you call for an Uber?” continued the two-time Peabody Award–winning interviewer. “And Curtis, a question for you. What was it like the first time you stepped into a rodeo arena, knowing you were the only person of color competing that day? If it’s too hot back there, there’s a control knob in the middle. I can get you close to the stadium, but honestly, you’re better off having me drop you a few blocks away and then walking. We’ll be right back after a short break.” According to listeners, Gross was later forced to cut short a segment on Dutch elm disease after accidentally rear-ending a police car.

The post Terry Gross Conducts ‘Fresh Air’ Interview On Bluetooth During Uber Shift appeared first on The Onion.

Plex Submits $35 Bid For Warner Bros.

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 21:56:23 +0000

LOS GATOS, CA—In an attempt to fend off growing competition from Paramount and Netflix, Plex CEO Keith Valory announced Monday that the streaming platform had submitted a $35 bid for Warner Bros. Discovery. “We believe the Harry Potter and DC universes will prove excellent additions to our slate of free-to-stream titles including Petticoat Junction and Party Mamas,” said Valory in a press release, calling the deal a “significant upgrade” on their initial offer of $15 and adding that the company was willing to pay the $35 in four installments over the next 10 years, or $6 up front plus $2 in stock options. “Plex has become synonymous with free-to-watch, ad-supported entertainment in recent years, reaching over 10 million Google searches in 2023. Where else other than Tubi can you watch reruns of Rucker’s Reno alongside films like USS Indianapolis: Men Of Courage? We think Warner Bros. shareholders will be very pleased by our handsome offer. We are unwilling to go beyond this. David Zaslav, the ball is in your court.” At press time, executives were hoping to sweeten the deal by throwing in a half-eaten bag of SunChips.

The post Plex Submits $35 Bid For Warner Bros. appeared first on The Onion.

Oprah Pursues Dr. Phil On Ship Through Arctic

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

THE ARCTIC CIRCLE—With a vow to destroy the abomination she had created if it was the last thing she ever did, television host Oprah Winfrey has spent weeks on a ship pursuing Dr. Phil through the Arctic, sources reported Tuesday.

Sailors aboard the vessel confirmed that while Winfrey appeared ill and exhausted from continuous exposure to the harsh tundra, she nonetheless spent hour upon hour peering through a brass spyglass and scanning the desolate landscape for any sign of the grotesque TV personality and formerly licensed therapist. Despite the heavy winds and raging sea, the 71-year-old media entrepreneur reportedly urged the ship’s captain to press northward.

“There! There he is, that speck on the horizon!” said Winfrey, who had armed herself with a pistol, several daggers, and a heavy hardcover copy of Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections in preparation for a final face-to-face encounter with Dr. Phil. “I brought this horrid creature into the world, and now I must take him out!”

“The dæmon will pay for what he’s done to my legacy,” Winfrey continued.

The ship’s captain, 50-year-old Rodney Walton, told reporters that crew members had picked up Winfrey after spotting her stranded on a piece of fractured sea ice with a sled, a team of dogs, and a slightly mad look in her eye. Although she was evidently suffering from pneumonia and malnutrition, Winfrey was said to be hellbent on the immediate pursuit of Dr. Phil.

Had he not caught a glimpse of the monstrosity himself, Walton stated, he would not have believed in such a television host’s existence.

“He was tall and impossibly hideous, with a mustache that made my blood run cold,” said Walton, who shuddered visibly as he described Dr. Phil’s gruesome visage. “His voice, too. I’ll never forget it. He kept moaning about out-of-control teens stealing pills and cutting class. It wasn’t human.”

The malevolent abomination is being sought in punishing climes.

Winfrey expressed remorse over the fateful night years ago when she created the TV host at Harpo Studios, telling reporters it was a hubristic desire to play the Queen of All Media that compelled her to bring Dr. Phil to life.

Sketches in her possession revealed that she had reanimated Dr. Phil after exhuming the freshly buried remains of a deceased cutthroat and scoundrel, which she then combined with the rotting organs of a door-to-door Amway salesman, several telemarketers, and a disbarred attorney.

“What beast have I unleashed upon the world?” said Winfrey, who seemed hardly to notice the icicles forming on her eyelashes as she paced back and forth on the deck of the ship.

Winfrey stated that she had spent the past few months on the trail of Dr. Phil, traveling thousands of miles through the Alps, the Black Sea, the Mediterranean, the Russian wilderness, and, at one point, Los Angeles, where he was embedded with federal immigration officers. Winfrey alleged the pursuit was instigated after Dr. Phil strangled her beloved Stedman in retaliation for her refusal to create a female Dr. Phil to serve as his companion.

“Oh my dear Stedman, how I weep for thee,” said Winfrey, crying out in anguish as she recalled how she had looked up from the spot where she discovered her longtime partner’s limp body and seen a cackling Dr. Phil perched on the window sill. “I fired my pistol, but it was too late—the fiend leapt from the window and dove into the lake.”

“By the power of my 19 Daytime Emmy Awards, I shall vanquish you, wretch!” Winfrey added.

According to sources, Winfrey’s already poor health took a turn for the worse after the vessel became trapped in ice and completely grounded the hunt for the creature. When Winfrey’s condition forced her to take to her bed, she entered a state of delirium, alternately shivering in silence and cursing Dr. Phil’s name at the top of her lungs. She was overheard vowing to hack through every last iceberg herself should it prove necessary to wipe him forever from the face of the earth.

“Promise me that if I perish, you shall pursue the creature yourself,” said Winfrey, peering up at the ship captain from her bundle of furs in one of her last lucid moments. “This year, my favorite thing is vengeance.”

At press time, Walton had reportedly discovered Dr. Phil hunched over Winfrey’s lifeless body, weeping.

The post Oprah Pursues Dr. Phil On Ship Through Arctic appeared first on The Onion.

Quentin Tarantino Slams Paul Dano As Worst Actor On Wikifeet

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 21:02:06 +0000

LOS ANGELES—In a shockingly personal attack on the actor’s arches, filmmaker Quentin Tarantino made comments Friday slamming Paul Dano as the worst actor on Wikifeet. “Paul Dano’s got the weakest soles on Wikifeet,” Tarantino said during a podcast appearance, calling Dano’s feet “nasty, gnarled stompers” compared to a peer like Austin Butler’s “gorgeous, five-star tootsies.” “And to put his feet next to Daniel Day-Lewis’s? Come on. I don’t know why he’s even on there. He’s dragging the entire website down.” At press time, celebrities from Ben Stiller to Alec Baldwin were defending Dano’s feet as “beautiful,” “incredible,” and “the finest of his generation.”

The post Quentin Tarantino Slams Paul Dano As Worst Actor On Wikifeet appeared first on The Onion.

‘Marty Supreme’ Director Explains Film Slight Dramatization Of Real-Life LeBron James

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—Confirming his new film fell somewhere between fact and fiction, director Josh Safdie explained to reporters Friday that Marty Supreme was a slight dramatization of LeBron James’ life. “I wouldn’t call it a biopic, exactly, but yes, Marty Supreme is about King James,” said the filmmaker, who sought to dispel any confusion surrounding the sports drama by clarifying that the film was “loosely inspired” by the life of the 40-year-old NBA star. “We took a few creative liberties, of course: the name Marty Mauser, his personality and physical appearance, the fact that he’s playing ping-pong. But he’s still just a kid from Akron, even if the movie is set in New York City in the 1950s. And obviously, [Timothée] Chalamet does a great job capturing this.” At press time, Safdie was praising Kevin O’Leary’s performance as Bronny James.

The post ‘Marty Supreme’ Director Explains Film Slight Dramatization Of Real-Life LeBron James appeared first on The Onion.

What To Know About ‘Heated Rivalry’

The Onion Staff — Thu, 04 Dec 2025 17:46:36 +0000

Heated Rivalry, a new Canadian romance series, has exploded in popularity since it premiered on HBO Max last week. Here is everything you need to know about the show.

Q: What is the plot?

A: Two men have a steamy sexual affair despite not being vampires or elf nobility or anything.

Q: Where does it take place?

A: An alternate universe where hockey players meticulously wax their body hair.

Q: Are the actors actually playing hockey?

A: Yes. It’s illegal in Canada to impersonate a hockey player.

Q: Who is the target audience?

A: The horniest woman in Saskatchewan.

Q: Is there a lot of sex?

A: All of the sex is implied off-screen through shots of popping Champagne bottles and trains entering tunnels.

Q: Is the show better than the book?

A: Yes, it has far fewer words to read.

The post What To Know About ‘Heated Rivalry’ appeared first on The Onion.

Artist Profile: Rosalía

The Onion Staff — Tue, 02 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Rosalía’s fourth studio album, Lux, has been met with critical acclaim, cracking the Billboard top 10 for the first time in the Spanish pop star’s career. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist.

Genre: Música

Musical Influences: Traditional Spanish TikToks

Who She’s Beefing With: B-flat

Frequent Collaborator: King Ferdinand V

Controversies: Making Spanish-language music, despite being from Spain

Often Mistaken For: Woody Guthrie

pH Level: 9

The post Artist Profile: Rosalía appeared first on The Onion.

Lorde Requiring All Concertgoers To Stash Boyfriends In Locked Pouch

The Onion Staff — Tue, 02 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

CHICAGO—In a move making her the latest performer to join the distraction-free trend, New Zealand singer-songwriter Lorde confirmed Friday that she was now requiring all concertgoers to stash their boyfriends in locked pouches during her shows. “I understand wanting to share the experience, but I think a live performance is more special when everyone puts their boyfriends away,” said Lorde, who explained that her current Ultrasound World Tour had partnered with Yondr to lock fans’ male significant others in the company’s patented three-by-six-foot pouches before entering the venue. “I don’t want people just glued to their boyfriends for the entire show. Fans should be singing along, dancing, and really getting into the music, so if we see you with a boyfriend, you will be asked to leave. If you need him to get to the venue and get home, we totally understand—just silence him and keep him in the pouch so everyone can enjoy the experience.” According to sources, a fan at a recent Lorde concert was booted from the show after she was caught sneaking in a second boyfriend.

The post Lorde Requiring All Concertgoers To Stash Boyfriends In Locked Pouch appeared first on The Onion.

MPA Rates ‘Zootopia 2’ PG-13 For Sexually Awakening Content

The Onion Staff — Tue, 25 Nov 2025 16:23:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Warning that the film might evoke certain feelings that audience members weren’t prepared to confront, the Motion Picture Association reportedly assigned Zootopia 2 a PG-13 rating Tuesday for sexually awakening content. “We were quite alarmed by the places we found our thoughts drifting to, and we’re confident the majority of Zootopia 2 viewers will agree,” said MPA spokesperson Richard Weir, who cited Cape buffalo Chief Bogo’s broad shoulders, red fox Nick Wilde’s dreamy gaze, and rabbit Judy Hopps’ “whole deal, from her head to that irresistible little tail,” all as reasons behind the higher-than-expected rating. “We warned Disney not to put Nick Wilde in a tux, but they didn’t listen. Frankly, if we hadn’t gone to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on our faces halfway through, it would have been an R. Parents who bring their children to see Zootopia 2 should be prepared to have some difficult conversations with their kids about attraction. And maybe with their spouses too.” According to sources, Disney has challenged the rating, arguing that the introduction of the repulsive Gary De’Snake canceled out the rest of the characters’ raw sex appeal.

The post MPA Rates ‘Zootopia 2’ PG-13 For Sexually Awakening Content appeared first on The Onion.

Ken Burns’ ‘The American Revolution’ Ends With Number To Call If You Considering Founding Nation

The Onion Staff — Mon, 24 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

The post Ken Burns’ ‘The American Revolution’ Ends With Number To Call If You Considering Founding Nation appeared first on The Onion.

What To Know About ‘Pluribus’

The Onion Staff — Thu, 20 Nov 2025 18:37:44 +0000

Pluribus, a new sci-fi drama starring Rhea Seehorn, is Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan’s first show since Better Call Saul concluded. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series.

Q: What’s the premise?

A: An extraterrestrial virus causes everyone except those who were robbed at the Emmys to join a hive mind.

Q: How is Pluribus connected to the Breaking Bad universe?

A: Vince Gilligan has confirmed the series takes place entirely within Jesse Pinkman’s mind.

Q: What does “pluribus” mean?

A: It is French for “plums.”

Q: Is it true it has an anti-AI message?

A: Yes, the story is a veiled metaphor exploring the dangers of Nvidia’s market cap exceeding Apple’s.

Q: So, wait, did Walt really, actually, definitely die at the end of Breaking Bad?

A: Again, just to be clear, Pluribus is a different show.

Q: Where can I watch it?

A: At the home of any friend who didn’t realize their Apple TV subscription auto-renewed.

Q: Will Breaking Bad fans like it?

A: Considering that the main character is a woman, no.

The post What To Know About ‘Pluribus’ appeared first on The Onion.

‘You Think You’re Better Than Me?’ Says Nicki Minaj Interrupting Child Reciting Nursery Rhyme

The Onion Staff — Wed, 19 Nov 2025 16:01:04 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Alarmed after overhearing the young girl on the other side of the park fence, rapper Nicki Minaj reportedly stated “You think you’re better than me?” Wednesday while confronting a child for reciting nursery rhymes. “How many albums have you sold, huh?” asked the 42-year-old artist, who posted a short video of the child to her Instagram account with the caption “Hickory dickory flop.” “How many awards have you won? Have you ever gone platinum? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I am the queen of rap. ‘The mouse ran up the clock?’ I bet you didn’t even write that shit yourself.” At press time, reports confirmed the girl’s mother was confusedly asking Minaj why she had just referred to her daughter as “my son.”

The post ‘You Think You’re Better Than Me?’ Says Nicki Minaj Interrupting Child Reciting Nursery Rhyme appeared first on The Onion.