Religion Archives - The Onion

Religiosity In U.S. Drops To Lowest On Record

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Nov 2025 17:35:14 +0000

A new Gallup poll found that fewer than half of Americans now say religion is important in their daily lives, a 17 point drop since 2015, reflecting a major cultural shift in the U.S. What do you think?

“Hey, God ditched us first.”
Brad Dumdei, Tin Supplier

“Time for the Pope to start cracking skulls.”
Patrick Koepp, Cheese Curdler

“Just think how low it would be without those Super Bowl ads.”
Stella Bohnenkamp, Fireworks Marketer

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New AI Chatbots Let Users Text With Jesus

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 22:30:06 +0000

Churches are deploying AI-powered chatbots that let users “text with Jesus,” tailor spiritual guidance, and engage with faith-based characters. What do you think?

“An intermediary between me and God? What am I, a Papist?”
Laura Grigg, Kiln Supervisor

“I accept Jesus into my hard drive.”
Hakim Washington, Chess Commentator

“I’m not big on technology, but I do love false idols.”
Danny Ezzo, Needle Threader

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Mike Johnson: ‘My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor’

The Onion Staff — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 20:36:59 +0000

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Real-Life Dracula Recoils After Seeing Woman On Dating App Wearing Crucifix

The Onion Staff — Wed, 15 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—Hissing with distaste as the dreaded Christian symbol suddenly appeared on his phone screen, Scott Tatum—a real-life Dracula—reportedly recoiled Friday after seeing a Tinder profile picture of a woman wearing a crucifix. “My eyes, my eyes,” said the screaming, writhing 32-year-old, who, as if he were Nosferatu himself, attempted to swipe away from the photo as quickly as possible before the image of Carly, a petite blond woman sporting a necklace with a thin gold cross, could blind his vision, melt his flesh, and cause his physical form to burst into flame. “Oh, though the pendant may be small, subtle, and trendy, it burns, it burns! Be gone, Carly, and your love of ‘sunsets, football, and Jesus.’ Begone!” At press time, the female user had permanently blocked Tatum’s account as if she were Van Helsing driving a stake into the notorious vampire’s heart and watching him dissolve into ash.

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Church Of England Names First Woman Leader

The Onion Staff — Thu, 09 Oct 2025 17:57:48 +0000

Sarah Mullally has been appointed the first female Archbishop of Canterbury, becoming the Church of England’s top spiritual leader. What do you think?

“God must be spinning in his grave.”
Paulo Greco, Substitute Bellhop

“Standing at podiums and reading books aloud is a man’s job.”
Wallace Taroza, Cherry Pitter

“Finally someone for the Pope to marry.”
Caroline Bertone, Bunker Decorator

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Indiana Offers Tax Breaks To Attract Religious Doomsday Cults

The Onion Staff — Tue, 30 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

INDIANAPOLIS—With an official proclamation that declared the state “open to self-proclaimed messianic prophets,” Indiana began offering tax breaks Wednesday to attract religious doomsday cults. “Whether your fundamentalist commune believes it will usher in an apocalyptic race war or board a spaceship to a higher plane of existence, we hope your cult will choose to make Indiana its new home,” Gov. Mike Braun said during a signing ceremony for the new law, which will provide a 30% tax credit for all qualified expenditures, including stockpiled firearms, ceremonial cloaks, surveillance equipment, proselytizing pamphlets, and bulk purchases of matching Nikes. “This legislation will make us the next hotspot for fanatical cults of personality, bringing new opportunities to the neglected rural parts of our state, especially those that are isolated and free from any outside influences or scrutiny. You can move here and do whatever your beliefs command you to do: Drown your followers in Lake Michigan as part of a spiritual cleansing ritual, bury the bodies in the Indiana Dunes National Park—that part’s up to you,” Braun added. “It doesn’t matter if your cult is the kind where no one is allowed to have sex or the kind where everyone is allowed to have sex, but only with the group’s leader. Either way, you’ve got friends here in the Hoosier State.” Braun went on to observe that an end-times collective could get “a whole lot more bunker” for its money in Indiana than it could in California or Texas.

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Study: More Americans Converting To Mormonism In Hopes Of Getting Hulu Series

The Onion Staff — Mon, 04 Aug 2025 16:50:34 +0000

WASHINGTON—Highlighting a notable shift in the nation’s religious landscape, a study published by the Pew Research Center on Tuesday indicated that more Americans were converting to Mormonism in hopes of getting their own Hulu series. “According to our nationwide survey, more than 2 million U.S. residents joined the Church of Latter-day Saints last year to increase their odds of scoring a meeting with a producer from The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives,” said study co-author Mark Woodward, who noted that the most frequently reported reasons study participants gave for their conversion to the faith were a yearning for spiritual fulfillment and the opportunity to go off on their supposed best friend for calling them a bitch behind their back. “In an increasingly isolated world, the Mormon church offers these converts a sense of identity, community, and purpose, as well as a chance to ratchet up the drama. Additionally, we found that the Church of Latter-day Saints is directly leveraging this trend by encouraging their international missionaries to promise people around the world that they too could earn meal kit brand deals after getting breast implants and embroiling themselves in a TikTok swinging scandal.” The study follows a report last month that found millions of people were leaving the Mormon faith in an effort to catch the attention of the producers behind Mormon No More.

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Rising Cost Of Living Forcing More Buddhists To Continue Working Years Into Reincarnation

The Onion Staff — Thu, 17 Jul 2025 13:00:00 +0000

DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—Calling the trend an alarming indicator of the global economy’s fragile state, a report released Thursday by the Tibetan Institute for Economics revealed that the rising cost of living was forcing more Buddhists to continue working years into reincarnation. “Unfortunately, increased housing, food, and healthcare expenses require many Buddhists to hold down a job long after their rebirth,” said Chhime Rigzing, a Dalai Lama spokesperson and Tibetan official who co-authored the report, adding that while older followers of the Buddha’s wisdom had been able to extinguish all suffering much earlier, younger souls were toiling longer in the form of field mice, hungry ghosts, or other sentient beings. “These days, if you’ve been recently reborn as, say, a hummingbird, there’s virtually no chance you’re going to emancipate yourself from attachment anytime soon. Your best bet is to clock as many hours as possible pollinating flowers to keep yourself from winding up in [Buddhist realm of punishment] naraka. Unfortunately, for too many, the dream of building up enough good karma to attain enlightenment and escape the cycle of samsara is no longer within reach.” Rigzing added that the majority of Buddhists now reported being forced to work three or more existences just to make ends meet.

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Study Finds Curative Power Of Prayer Limited To Genital Warts

The Onion Staff — Thu, 03 Jul 2025 13:00:00 +0000

CHICAGO—Emphasizing the constraints of God’s healing hands, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association found that the curative power of prayer was limited exclusively to genital warts. “Our data revealed that while people attempt to cure a host of medical conditions by praying, the only ailment it was shown to be effective against was genital warts,” said lead author Dr. Patrick Mercier, explaining that despite prayer being promoted as a remedy for cancer, drug addiction, and mental illnesses like depression and schizophrenia, such invocations for divine intervention were utterly useless unless the condition somehow involved viral growths located around the groin and anus. “The ability of prayer to treat sicknesses and disorders was so narrow, in fact, that it could not even heal plantar warts found on the soles of feet. That said, entreaties to our Creator were so efficient at addressing genital warts specifically that patients who held their hands over the affected vulvas and penises and pleaded to a higher power for relief often found their HPV breakouts cleared up within 24 hours.” Mercier added that curing genital warts was actually the only thing prayer was capable of achieving across the board.

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Christian Faith An Important Part Of Who Senator Pretends To Be

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Jun 2025 18:12:40 +0000

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the facade informs nearly every aspect of his daily life, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) told reporters Thursday that his Christian faith is an important part of who he pretends to be. “Whether I’m delivering a speech calling for theocracy in front of dozens of cameras or talking to my children at the kitchen table about God’s separate roles for men and women, I mean it when I say the mask I wear in public is the same one I wear at home,” said the 45-year-old lawmaker, who confirmed that Christianity has been the foundation of his public-facing identity ever since he was a shameless young prep school student with his sights set on Yale Law School. “The power of telling people you pray is incredible. My Christian faith is a pretense that’s only grown stronger as I’ve aged. It’s so strong that, sometimes, I almost forget it’s all an act.” At press time, Hawley added that he is grateful to represent all of his Christian constituents through the faith he uses as a guise to seek power.

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Cardinal Passed Over For Pope Devoted Life To God For Nothing

The Onion Staff — Fri, 09 May 2025 13:00:00 +0000

VATICAN CITY—Angrily stomping on his vestments and throwing his zucchetto on the ground, Cardinal Pietro Parolin told reporters Friday that being passed over for pope meant he had devoted his life to God for absolutely nothing. “Five goddamn decades of faith, dedication, and service in the name of our Lord and Savior, and this is the thanks I get?” said the 70-year-old Veteran Vatican diplomat, adding that he would have spent his life mired in sin if he knew it was going to end with Cardinal Robert Prevost being elected the 267th Pope of the Catholic Church. “Seriously. I spent 56 years living a moral, humble, and charitable life to get snubbed by some catty Cardinals at their stupid little Conclave. I took a vow of celibacy for God’s sake! Everyone must think I’m such an idiot.” A distraught Parolin added that he knew he should have listened to his gut, never joined the seminary, and devoted his life to Islam instead.

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Communion Wafer ‘Miracle’ Turns Out To Be Bacteria

The Onion Staff — Thu, 03 Apr 2025 20:06:13 +0000

Following a biochemical analysis, parishioners of an Indiana church were informed that the red substance on a communion wafer they thought to be the blood of Christ was actually fungus and three different species of bacteria commonly found on human hands. What do you think?

“He never said what form he would come back in.”
Doug Martin, Figurine Reviewer

“Still a neat party trick.”
Donna Waldon, Unemployed

“‘Fungus of Christ’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it.”
Bob Fritsch, Tube Bender

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