Movies Archives - The Onion

Hollywood Films Increasingly Funded By Saudi Arabia

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 17:07:48 +0000

Hollywood is increasingly looking to Saudi Arabia for financing as other sources of money have dried up in the aftermath of the Covid-19 pandemic, though the kingdom’s controversial human rights record makes the relationship potentially problematic. What do you think?

“Let’s see movie critics try and leave a bad review now.”
Trevor Hopkins, Credibility Appraiser

“Do we want a ‘Space Jam 3’ or not?”
Miles Kempfer, Whistle Tester

“So now when I burn fossil fuels, I’m supporting the arts.”
Robin Westrick, Solutions Specialist

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Quentin Tarantino Slams Paul Dano As Worst Actor On Wikifeet

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 21:02:06 +0000

LOS ANGELES—In a shockingly personal attack on the actor’s arches, filmmaker Quentin Tarantino made comments Friday slamming Paul Dano as the worst actor on Wikifeet. “Paul Dano’s got the weakest soles on Wikifeet,” Tarantino said during a podcast appearance, calling Dano’s feet “nasty, gnarled stompers” compared to a peer like Austin Butler’s “gorgeous, five-star tootsies.” “And to put his feet next to Daniel Day-Lewis’s? Come on. I don’t know why he’s even on there. He’s dragging the entire website down.” At press time, celebrities from Ben Stiller to Alec Baldwin were defending Dano’s feet as “beautiful,” “incredible,” and “the finest of his generation.”

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‘Marty Supreme’ Director Explains Film Slight Dramatization Of Real-Life LeBron James

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—Confirming his new film fell somewhere between fact and fiction, director Josh Safdie explained to reporters Friday that Marty Supreme was a slight dramatization of LeBron James’ life. “I wouldn’t call it a biopic, exactly, but yes, Marty Supreme is about King James,” said the filmmaker, who sought to dispel any confusion surrounding the sports drama by clarifying that the film was “loosely inspired” by the life of the 40-year-old NBA star. “We took a few creative liberties, of course: the name Marty Mauser, his personality and physical appearance, the fact that he’s playing ping-pong. But he’s still just a kid from Akron, even if the movie is set in New York City in the 1950s. And obviously, [Timothée] Chalamet does a great job capturing this.” At press time, Safdie was praising Kevin O’Leary’s performance as Bronny James.

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MPA Rates ‘Zootopia 2’ PG-13 For Sexually Awakening Content

The Onion Staff — Tue, 25 Nov 2025 16:23:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Warning that the film might evoke certain feelings that audience members weren’t prepared to confront, the Motion Picture Association reportedly assigned Zootopia 2 a PG-13 rating Tuesday for sexually awakening content. “We were quite alarmed by the places we found our thoughts drifting to, and we’re confident the majority of Zootopia 2 viewers will agree,” said MPA spokesperson Richard Weir, who cited Cape buffalo Chief Bogo’s broad shoulders, red fox Nick Wilde’s dreamy gaze, and rabbit Judy Hopps’ “whole deal, from her head to that irresistible little tail,” all as reasons behind the higher-than-expected rating. “We warned Disney not to put Nick Wilde in a tux, but they didn’t listen. Frankly, if we hadn’t gone to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on our faces halfway through, it would have been an R. Parents who bring their children to see Zootopia 2 should be prepared to have some difficult conversations with their kids about attraction. And maybe with their spouses too.” According to sources, Disney has challenged the rating, arguing that the introduction of the repulsive Gary De’Snake canceled out the rest of the characters’ raw sex appeal.

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Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape

The Onion Staff — Mon, 17 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—In an effort to bring an end to what he described as an anti-American trend in filmmaking, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday imposing a 100% tax on the profits of movies that depict people escaping from slavery. “For too long, liberal Hollywood has pushed its false narratives of unhappy slaves desiring freedom,” said Trump, who criticized what he called the “violent extremism” of films in which enslaved people break free from their shackles, claiming such stories were “racist” against slave owners. “We want our slaves whistling, and we want them doing hard work with a spring in their step. No more with the America-hating uprisings, the emancipations. And we will be doing tax breaks for the good films—especially ones where a slave learns about love from their white master.” At press time, the president was reportedly in talks with members of Congress to provide federal subsidies for movies in which an escaped slave comes back.

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Cynthia Erivo Disappointed To Discover All Her ‘Wicked: For Good’ Scenes Cut

The Onion Staff — Fri, 14 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Admitting she felt “a little silly” after getting all dressed up for the premiere, Cynthia Erivo told reporters Friday she was disappointed after discovering that all her scenes from Wicked: For Good had been cut. “It’s definitely a bit of a letdown, but at least I had fun and got paid,” said Erivo, who divulged that it wasn’t until the credits rolled that she realized not a single one of the scenes she had spent weeks filming had made it into the blockbuster sequel’s final cut. “Directors always have to make these hard decisions, and I guess at the end of the day, Elphaba was more of a side character. Oh well. There will always be other opportunities. I just wish I hadn’t told so many people I was going to be in the film.” Erivo went on to say she was finding solace in the fact friend Ariana Grande’s part had also been cut.

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The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Sydney Sweeney

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 20:38:16 +0000

Sydney Sweeney, star of the new boxing film Christy, is once again at the center of controversy after the biopic flopped at the box office. The Onion sat down with Sweeney to discuss art, dating, and handling criticism.

The Onion : How are you dealing with the backlash to your jeans ad?

Sweeney: I’m struggling with the fact that I get so much hate when Chester Cheetah can do whatever he wants.

What is your political affiliation?

Honestly, I prefer to keep my desire to make America great again private.

What’s your stance on white supremacy?

I’m okay with it if it’s done tastefully.

What’s your favorite thing about Scooter Braun?

I love how he’s always pushing me to be a worse version of myself.

What’s next for your career?

I’ll either take a short break or drive my car into a storefront.

What do you have to say to those who have recently criticized you?

Have fun in the camps.

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‘Wicked’ Director Reveals Sequel Will Pick Up Right Where First Branded Tumbler Left Off

The Onion Staff — Fri, 07 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Preparing fans to jump back into the beloved world of Oz, Wicked: For Good director Jon M. Chu revealed this week that the upcoming movie would pick up right where the first branded tumbler left off. “Wicked part two is a seamless continuation of the original Target-exclusive stainless steel tumbler with detachable straw,” said the filmmaker, emphasizing that anyone who loved the first $34.99 green-and-pink beverage container would be equally blown away by the second one. “Anyone is welcome to jump right into For Good, but I’d definitely recommend familiarizing yourself with last year’s insulated cup since there will be some important callbacks. We’ll wrap up storylines and go further than we ever could have in just one 40-oz lidded vessel.” At press time, Chu added that the film would also contain Easter eggs for fans of the 1939 Tin Man lunch box.

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I Bet Pedro Pascal Hates Parasocial Relationships

The Onion Staff — Thu, 06 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Ever feel like you have a “special connection” with an artist? Like if the two of you could only meet, you would be instant BFFs? This phenomenon is what experts call a parasocial relationship. On the surface, it might sound harmless, but the truth is that parasocial relationships have been shown to make people lonelier and exacerbate mental health problems. Plus, I bet Pedro Pascal hates them.

Seriously. Pedro’s a sensitive and authentic guy, and there’s nothing less authentic than experiencing a one-sided relationship with somebody who doesn’t even know you exist.

There’s nothing wrong with being a fan. The problem is when people become obsessive. Go to any pop star’s Instagram, and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. Take the comments on Harry Styles’ account, for instance: “Harry, I love you,” “Harry, you saved my life,” “Harry, I can’t live without you.” Honestly, it’s creepy. Whenever I see that kind of thing, I wish Pedro were beside me. I can see him rolling his chocolate brown eyes and saying, “Ugh! These people are insane!” I’d just love to pick his brain over it sometime. Maybe over dinner and drinks at Trattoria da Pippo. He went there in 2023.

The effects of celebrity obsession aren’t just psychological. Parasocial relationships can also take a heavy toll on fans’ wallets. Taylor Swift fans will spend hundreds of dollars on endless “deluxe” editions of the same album, and thousands on concert tickets. Meanwhile, the most I’ve ever spent on concert tickets was $200 to see the Cure, Pedro’s favorite band. Sure, $200 is also a lot of money, and so was the $600 I spent on a plane getting to L.A., but it was all worth it for the chance to spend the night in the front row with my back to the stage, scouring the crowd for Pedro’s face as I screamed out his name.

I’m not trying to be judgmental about parasocial relationships. I just can’t relate. The crux of the matter is you don’t know these famous people, no matter how many movies, interviews, podcast appearances, Narcos episodes set to slow motion, or shaky, raw footage from 2014 Game Of Thrones Comic-Con panels zoomed in on their face you may have watched.

Isn’t that right, Pedro? I can picture him vigorously nodding his head right now.

Parasocial relationships are ruining fan communities too. Online fandoms used to be a fun, open-minded place where people could make new friends and express themselves. Now, these “stans,” as they proudly call themselves, seem to think they can read their favorite celebrities’ minds. The other day, a bunch of these crazies ganged up on me to claim that the things I was posting in our forum would make Pedro “feel unsafe.” Uhh, I’m sorry. How would you know how Pedro “feels”? Have any of you basement dwellers even met him? I have. Nine times. Three times outside red carpet premieres, twice by following his limousine, and four times through window panes as he stood alone in his kitchen, drinking a cup of tea.

Ten times if you count the police lineup.

Maybe I’m being unkind. It’s important to have empathy for others, especially for those who may be struggling. It’s likely many of these fans simply don’t have friends or family members they feel close to in real life, and sadly, parasocial relationships seem to have filled that space. That’s why I’m ultimately so grateful to have Pedro in my life, sending me messages through the screen of the jailhouse TV.

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Uber Driver Seemingly Watching ‘Titanic’ For First Time

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

BROOKLINE, MA—Noting that the car swerved erratically every time the gig worker switched between his GPS navigation app and James Cameron’s 1997 film, local man Vick Shah told reporters Monday his Uber driver seemed to be watching Titanic for the first time. “I’m not totally sure, but I think that guy was halfway through Titanic when he picked me up,” said Shah, who added that the driver seemed oddly emotional, refused to speak to his passenger, and swerved dangerously through traffic while watching what appeared to be Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio kissing on his partially obscured iPhone. “I thought for a minute he could have been streaming a podcast or some game show, but then I heard the muffled sound of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ coming from his Bluetooth headset. I swear, when Rose let go, I saw a tear roll down his cheek. He seemed really broken up about it.” Shah reported that he had no choice but to give a rare one-star rating after the Uber driver pulled up Google, typed in “Titanic boobs scene,” and immediately collided at 60 mph with an oncoming vehicle.

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Studios Enter Bidding War Over Napkin Stephen King Wrote ‘Ghoul’ On

The Onion Staff — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Anticipating the project could be the biggest horror hit of the decade, film studios were reportedly locked in a bidding war Friday over a napkin Stephen King had written the word “Ghoul” on. “It only took him two weeks to write, but it’s incredible—it’s an entire fleshed-out world,” said an insider source, who confirmed that Warner Bros., Sony, Lionsgate, and Amazon MGM were among the major studios
“practically salivating” at the chance to produce an adaptation of the two-ply disposable paper napkin the bestselling author had scribbled on. “It could easily go for upwards of seven figures. After all, this is the type of story with billion-dollar franchise potential. Netflix is desperate to secure it, but King’s team believes the napkin deserves a theatrical release. All I know is I’d love to see Glen Powell as the ghoul.” At press time, Jordan Peele was reportedly “fuming” after Monkeypaw Productions lost the bidding war to New Line Cinema.

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Cursed Videotape Kills Anyone Who Swallows It Whole

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

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