“I got into podcasting because I’m an idiot, not for accolades.”

Lou Farmer, Embroidery Enthusiast

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“Now there’s a new way for podcasters to be losers.”

Aaron Barsanti, Hubcap Shiner

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“If I wanted to hear friends banter for 45 minutes, I would just make friends.”

Philippa Thorpe, Composting Advocate

The post Golden Globes Introduces Best Podcast Category appeared first on The Onion.

“What if Israel is planning to sing an apology song?”

Rhiannon Salkin, Systems Analyst

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“Big deal, I’ve been accidentally boycotting Eurovision my whole life.”

Vikram Joshi, Cupcake Froster

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“I can’t in good conscience watch Eurovision regardless of who’s performing.”

Abe Ellsworth, Sandwich Modifier

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Sailors aboard the vessel confirmed that while Winfrey appeared ill and exhausted from continuous exposure to the harsh tundra, she nonetheless spent hour upon hour peering through a brass spyglass and scanning the desolate landscape for any sign of the grotesque TV personality and formerly licensed therapist. Despite the heavy winds and raging sea, the 71-year-old media entrepreneur reportedly urged the ship’s captain to press northward. 

“There! There he is, that speck on the horizon!” said Winfrey, who had armed herself with a pistol, several daggers, and a heavy hardcover copy of Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections in preparation for a final face-to-face encounter with Dr. Phil. “I brought this horrid creature into the world, and now I must take him out!”

“The dæmon will pay for what he’s done to my legacy,” Winfrey continued.

The ship’s captain, 50-year-old Rodney Walton, told reporters that crew members had picked up Winfrey after spotting her stranded on a piece of fractured sea ice with a sled, a team of dogs, and a slightly mad look in her eye. Although she was evidently suffering from pneumonia and malnutrition, Winfrey was said to be hellbent on the immediate pursuit of Dr. Phil. 

Had he not caught a glimpse of the monstrosity himself, Walton stated, he would not have believed in such a television host’s existence. 

“He was tall and impossibly hideous, with a mustache that made my blood run cold,” said Walton, who shuddered visibly as he described Dr. Phil’s gruesome visage. “His voice, too. I’ll never forget it. He kept moaning about out-of-control teens stealing pills and cutting class. It wasn’t human.”

Winfrey expressed remorse over the fateful night years ago when she created the TV host at Harpo Studios, telling reporters it was a hubristic desire to play the Queen of All Media that compelled her to bring Dr. Phil to life. 

Sketches in her possession revealed that she had reanimated Dr. Phil after exhuming the freshly buried remains of a deceased cutthroat and scoundrel, which she then combined with the rotting organs of a door-to-door Amway salesman, several telemarketers, and a disbarred attorney. 

“What beast have I unleashed upon the world?” said Winfrey, who seemed hardly to notice the icicles forming on her eyelashes as she paced back and forth on the deck of the ship.  

Winfrey stated that she had spent the past few months on the trail of Dr. Phil, traveling thousands of miles through the Alps, the Black Sea, the Mediterranean, the Russian wilderness, and, at one point, Los Angeles, where he was embedded with federal immigration officers. Winfrey alleged the pursuit was instigated after Dr. Phil strangled her beloved Stedman in retaliation for her refusal to create a female Dr. Phil to serve as his companion.

“Oh my dear Stedman, how I weep for thee,” said Winfrey, crying out in anguish as she recalled how she had looked up from the spot where she discovered her longtime partner’s limp body and seen a cackling Dr. Phil perched on the window sill. “I fired my pistol, but it was too late—the fiend leapt from the window and dove into the lake.”

“By the power of my 19 Daytime Emmy Awards, I shall vanquish you, wretch!” Winfrey added.

According to sources, Winfrey’s already poor health took a turn for the worse after the vessel became trapped in ice and completely grounded the hunt for the creature. When Winfrey’s condition forced her to take to her bed, she entered a state of delirium, alternately shivering in silence and cursing Dr. Phil’s name at the top of her lungs. She was overheard vowing to hack through every last iceberg herself should it prove necessary to wipe him forever from the face of the earth. 

“Promise me that if I perish, you shall pursue the creature yourself,” said Winfrey, peering up at the ship captain from her bundle of furs in one of her last lucid moments. “This year, my favorite thing is vengeance.”

At press time, Walton had reportedly discovered Dr. Phil hunched over Winfrey’s lifeless body, weeping. 

The post Oprah Pursues Dr. Phil On Ship Through Arctic appeared first on The Onion.

Q: What is the plot?

A: Two men have a steamy sexual affair despite not being vampires or elf nobility or anything.

Q: Where does it take place?

A: An alternate universe where hockey players meticulously wax their body hair.

Q: Are the actors actually playing hockey?

A: Yes. It’s illegal in Canada to impersonate a hockey player.

Q: Who is the target audience?

A: The horniest woman in Saskatchewan.

Q: Is there a lot of sex?

A: All of the sex is implied off-screen through shots of popping Champagne bottles and trains entering tunnels.

Q: Is the show better than the book?

A: Yes, it has far fewer words to read.

The post What To Know About ‘Heated Rivalry’ appeared first on The Onion.

Q: What’s the premise?

A: An extraterrestrial virus causes everyone except those who were robbed at the Emmys to join a hive mind.

Q: How is Pluribus connected to the Breaking Bad universe?

A: Vince Gilligan has confirmed the series takes place entirely within Jesse Pinkman’s mind. 

Q: What does “pluribus” mean?

A: It is French for “plums.”

Q: Is it true it has an anti-AI message?

A: Yes, the story is a veiled metaphor exploring the dangers of Nvidia’s market cap exceeding Apple’s.

Q: So, wait, did Walt really, actually, definitely die at the end of Breaking Bad?

A: Again, just to be clear, Pluribus is a different show.

Q: Where can I watch it?

A: At the home of any friend who didn’t realize their Apple TV subscription auto-renewed. 

Q: Will Breaking Bad fans like it?

A: Considering that the main character is a woman, no.

The post What To Know About ‘Pluribus’ appeared first on The Onion.

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The Onion : How are you dealing with the backlash to your jeans ad?

Sweeney: I’m struggling with the fact that I get so much hate when Chester Cheetah can do whatever he wants.

What is your political affiliation?

Honestly, I prefer to keep my desire to make America great again private.

What’s your stance on white supremacy?

I’m okay with it if it’s done tastefully.

What’s your favorite thing about Scooter Braun?

I love how he’s always pushing me to be a worse version of myself.

What’s next for your career?

I’ll either take a short break or drive my car into a storefront.

What do you have to say to those who have recently criticized you?

Have fun in the camps.

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Seriously. Pedro’s a sensitive and authentic guy, and there’s nothing less authentic than experiencing a one-sided relationship with somebody who doesn’t even know you exist.

There’s nothing wrong with being a fan. The problem is when people become obsessive. Go to any pop star’s Instagram, and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. Take the comments on Harry Styles’ account, for instance: “Harry, I love you,” “Harry, you saved my life,” “Harry, I can’t live without you.” Honestly, it’s creepy. Whenever I see that kind of thing, I wish Pedro were beside me. I can see him rolling his chocolate brown eyes and saying, “Ugh! These people are insane!” I’d just love to pick his brain over it sometime. Maybe over dinner and drinks at Trattoria da Pippo. He went there in 2023.

The effects of celebrity obsession aren’t just psychological. Parasocial relationships can also take a heavy toll on fans’ wallets. Taylor Swift fans will spend hundreds of dollars on endless “deluxe” editions of the same album, and thousands on concert tickets. Meanwhile, the most I’ve ever spent on concert tickets was $200 to see the Cure, Pedro’s favorite band. Sure, $200 is also a lot of money, and so was the $600 I spent on a plane getting to L.A., but it was all worth it for the chance to spend the night in the front row with my back to the stage, scouring the crowd for Pedro’s face as I screamed out his name.

I’m not trying to be judgmental about parasocial relationships. I just can’t relate. The crux of the matter is you don’t know these famous people, no matter how many movies, interviews, podcast appearances, Narcos episodes set to slow motion, or shaky, raw footage from 2014 Game Of Thrones Comic-Con panels zoomed in on their face you may have watched.

Isn’t that right, Pedro? I can picture him vigorously nodding his head right now. 

Parasocial relationships are ruining fan communities too. Online fandoms used to be a fun, open-minded place where people could make new friends and express themselves. Now, these “stans,” as they proudly call themselves, seem to think they can read their favorite celebrities’ minds. The other day, a bunch of these crazies ganged up on me to claim that the things I was posting in our forum would make Pedro “feel unsafe.” Uhh, I’m sorry. How would you know how Pedro “feels”? Have any of you basement dwellers even met him? I have. Nine times. Three times outside red carpet premieres, twice by following his limousine, and four times through window panes as he stood alone in his kitchen, drinking a cup of tea.

Ten times if you count the police lineup.

Maybe I’m being unkind. It’s important to have empathy for others, especially for those who may be struggling. It’s likely many of these fans simply don’t have friends or family members they feel close to in real life, and sadly, parasocial relationships seem to have filled that space. That’s why I’m ultimately so grateful to have Pedro in my life, sending me messages through the screen of the jailhouse TV. 

The post I Bet Pedro Pascal Hates Parasocial Relationships appeared first on The Onion.