Cars Archives - The Onion

Terry Gross Conducts ‘Fresh Air’ Interview On Bluetooth During Uber Shift

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to earn extra income after Congress rescinded $1.1 billion in funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Fresh Air host Terry Gross reportedly conducted an interview Thursday via Bluetooth during an Uber shift. “And what can you tell us about how bull riding has changed since—oh shit, that was my exit. Yep, that was my exit,” said Gross, who used an iPhone perched on the dashboard of her 2013 Honda Civic hatchback to speak with a guest on her radio program while chauffeuring Uber riders through the streets of downtown Philadelphia. “Are you Allison? Did you call for an Uber?” continued the two-time Peabody Award–winning interviewer. “And Curtis, a question for you. What was it like the first time you stepped into a rodeo arena, knowing you were the only person of color competing that day? If it’s too hot back there, there’s a control knob in the middle. I can get you close to the stadium, but honestly, you’re better off having me drop you a few blocks away and then walking. We’ll be right back after a short break.” According to listeners, Gross was later forced to cut short a segment on Dutch elm disease after accidentally rear-ending a police car.

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Transportation Department Endorses Crash Test Dummies That Resemble Women

The Onion Staff — Wed, 03 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

The Department of Transportation is considering a new crash test dummy design based on female anatomy, claiming it would improve safety testing for women. What do you think?

“Make sure they get my uneven nipples.”
Fabrizia Pagano, Unemployed

“Hopefully this will lead to more women getting involved in actual car crashes as well.”
Norman Hassel, Napkin Collator

“I strap my wife to the top of the car like a mattress, so we’re all good.”
Henrik Bilger, Walnut Supplier

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Man Unsure How To Get Old Lady Smell Out Of Hood Of Car

The Onion Staff — Wed, 19 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO—Saying all his attempts to remove the 84-year-old’s stench from the vehicle had failed, local man Rob Davis expressed frustration Wednesday over his inability to get the old lady smell out of the hood of his car. “I hit her, like, two whole days ago—what gives?” said Davis, adding that he had scrubbed away the blood and inspected the grille for viscera multiple times, but the powdery, floral scent was still clinging strong. “I tried Febreze, but that barely did anything. It seems like it’s getting worse every day. Man, what is that perfume? It’s like bug spray!” At press time, Davis had reportedly decided to hit a few young people with the car to see if that would cover up the smell.

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Uber Driver Seemingly Watching ‘Titanic’ For First Time

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

BROOKLINE, MA—Noting that the car swerved erratically every time the gig worker switched between his GPS navigation app and James Cameron’s 1997 film, local man Vick Shah told reporters Monday his Uber driver seemed to be watching Titanic for the first time. “I’m not totally sure, but I think that guy was halfway through Titanic when he picked me up,” said Shah, who added that the driver seemed oddly emotional, refused to speak to his passenger, and swerved dangerously through traffic while watching what appeared to be Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio kissing on his partially obscured iPhone. “I thought for a minute he could have been streaming a podcast or some game show, but then I heard the muffled sound of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ coming from his Bluetooth headset. I swear, when Rose let go, I saw a tear roll down his cheek. He seemed really broken up about it.” Shah reported that he had no choice but to give a rare one-star rating after the Uber driver pulled up Google, typed in “Titanic boobs scene,” and immediately collided at 60 mph with an oncoming vehicle.

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Drive Through Rich Neighborhood Exposes Dad’s Shortcomings As Provider

The Onion Staff — Wed, 15 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ST. LOUIS—According to sources inside the 2006 Honda Civic, area father Michael Lothan’s drive home Wednesday, which took a shortcut through a nearby wealthy neighborhood, exposed his children to his shortcomings as a provider. “Why are all these houses so big if there’s just one family living in them?” said Lothan’s 7-year-old son, Theo, while his 9-year-old daughter, Riley, sat silently with her forehead pressed against the window, seeing three-car garages, in-ground pools, and manicured lawns on the well-maintained street and beginning to grasp in a real way her father’s numerous inadequacies. “What does that family even do with three satellite dishes, Dad? Do they have more than one TV? And look, those kids are playing on a full basketball court. All these houses have nice circular driveways, too. Why don’t you want us to live in a place like this, Dad?” At press time, Lothan reportedly made a weak attempt to assure his dubious children that “money isn’t everything” as they pulled up to the faded split-level that served as a physical representation of his failure as a man.

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‘This Is Like Something Out Of A David Lynch Film,’ Says Man Driving Car With Headlights On

The Onion Staff — Tue, 23 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

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‘Must Be A Waymo,’ Bystanders Say Of Moron Stuck Backing Up In Alley For Half Hour

The Onion Staff — Mon, 21 Jul 2025 13:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Rolling their eyes and mocking the pathetic attempts to navigate the narrow space, passersby reportedly mumbled “Must be a Waymo” Monday while observing a local moron stuck backing up in an alley for half an hour. “These companies act like it’s only a matter of time before every car on the road is an autonomous vehicle, but this technology still can’t handle more complicated maneuvers,” bystander Gia Zelaya said of the panicking driver who had attempted the same three-point turn 10 times in row while barking “Fuck, fuck!” at himself. “These cars might do great in regular situations, but throw one unexpected scenario at them and they freeze. How stupid is this thing to try and make such a tight turn in a narrow alley, anyway? And it keeps robotically repeating the same couple moves over and over. You can see these cars don’t actually know how to think. I don’t know why this is even legal. They’re testing a dangerous technology on us. Maybe it will be ready in five or 10 years, but until then, I’ll stick with a human I can trust.” Witnesses watching the doofus with 12 infractions on his license scrape his bumper against the wall of the building admitted that while the Waymo’s pathfinding was suspect, they were impressed by the autonomous vehicle’s humanlike crying.

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‘I Used To Work Here,’ Says Pete Buttigieg, Wandering Onto Busy Highway

The Onion Staff — Tue, 15 Jul 2025 13:00:00 +0000

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Casually strolling from the shoulder of the road and into traffic, former Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly spoke the words “I used to work here” Thursday morning as he wandered onto a busy highway near his home. “Hey guys, remember me?” Buttigieg said while flashing a grin and waving cheerfully at a bus on U.S. Route 31, where dozens of cars and trucks swerved around him, their drivers shouting expletives and honking their horns. “These are my old stomping grounds. It was the first real job I ever had, you know? These white dotted lines haven’t changed one bit. Hey, why’s everyone in such a hurry? Doesn’t anyone want to come say hi? I brought fresh gasoline!” Buttigieg was then seen crossing over to the median, where he shook a hoof and introduced himself to a large piece of bloodied roadkill.

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Trump Orders His Face Added To The Pep Boys Logo

The Onion Staff — Tue, 08 Jul 2025 15:09:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Insisting that he deserved a place alongside the iconic visages of the auto supply company’s founders, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Tuesday adding his face to the Pep Boys logo. “After all my tremendous work on behalf of American car owners, many have said that I should have my image up there with Manny, Moe, and Jack,” Trump told reporters during a press briefing at the White House, adding that any symbol of America’s best deals on towing, tires, and car batteries was incomplete without him. “No one has done more to offer Americans brake repair and tire alignment services at affordable prices than I have. In fact, they should probably put me in the middle of the logo. There’s room. They can get rid of the one with the glasses if they have to. It’s time to update the Pep Boys logo for the modern day and recognize my achievements as the greatest automotive aftermarket service provider this country has ever seen.” At press time, a group of automotive service historians issued a statement condemning the change and casting Trump’s actions as the dangerous whims of an American Bibendum.

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Report: It Will Never Feel Right Seeing Dad In Backseat Of Car

The Onion Staff — Fri, 27 Jun 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Noting that the change in status was disconcerting and weird for everyone involved, family sources released a report Thursday confirming that it would never feel right seeing Dad in the backseat of the car. “It’s just wrong to look in the rearview mirror and see Dad sitting back there like a little kid,” read the report, which noted that while Dad was once a formidable presence capable of taking up physical and emotional space, he was actually looking pretty frail these days. “It’s so disorienting to watch him fumble with the seatbelt or, God forbid, hear him ask for help putting it on. The worst part is when you look back and notice he’s just quietly staring out the rear passenger window. Sure, it’s weird when Mom is in the backseat, but it pales in comparison to seeing Dad back there.” The report added that to help the patriarch maintain his dignity, the car’s driver should pretend to be preoccupied during the long, excruciating process of Dad pulling himself up and exiting the vehicle.

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Elderly Man Gets Stuck After Driving Down Rome’s Spanish Steps

The Onion Staff — Sat, 21 Jun 2025 13:00:00 +0000

An 80-year-old man has told police he was wrong to drive down Rome’s famed Spanish Steps after firefighters had to recover his vehicle from the landmark in the early morning hours. What do you think?

“It’s fine to park there if you’re just running into Rome to grab a few things.”
Kate Milani, Plastics Researcher

“Fuckin’ Waze, man.”
Matheus Simon, Shelf Collector

“What were they thinking putting steps outside?”
Drew Lozada, Janitorial Scheduler

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Give It Some Juice, Report Sources Fiddling Under Car Hood

The Onion Staff — Mon, 02 Jun 2025 13:00:00 +0000

RENO, NV—Switching out the torque wrench for something with a little more “oomph,” local sources fiddling under the car hood reportedly requested Monday that it be given some juice. “Come on now, rev ’er up good,” cylinder-block-examining sources said while wiping sweat from their brow with the back of a grease-smudged hand. “Keep goosing the throttle. She’s purring now. Hit it one more time—and I mean really hit it.” At press time, scowling sources were screaming “Turn the damn thing off!” after a cloud of black smoke began pouring out of the car’s engine.

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