Law Archives - The Onion

Judge Resigns After Wearing Elvis Wig In Court

The Onion Staff — Tue, 02 Dec 2025 21:44:23 +0000

A judge in Missouri resigned after wearing an Elvis Presley wig in court, coming after a disciplinary commission determined he failed to maintain order and decorum. What do you think?

“Either wear a full Elvis costume or don’t even bother showing up to work.”
Bjorn Geisler, Systems Analyst

“Little Richard gave me 25 to life.”
David Baroody, Retired Volunteer

“Yet in England they’re required.”
Katie Priest, Lottery Participant

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Not Sure How They Deal With Criminals In Your Town, But ’Round Here We Use A Restorative Justice Process

The Onion Staff — Wed, 12 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Well, well, well. What have we got here? Another city slicker who thinks he can waltz into my town and start causin’ all sorts of trouble. I’d be careful if I was you, fella. Because however they do things where you’re from, ’round here we have our own way of dealin’ with criminals, and that’s through a rehabilitation-centered restorative justice process.

Let that be a warnin’ to all outsiders—you break the law in these parts, you’d best be ready to pay for what you’ve done through a correctional training method that benefits victims, offenders, ’n the community at large.

Out here, we prefer settlin’ disputes the old-fashioned way, by addressin’ the harmful impact of a crime head-on, then determinin’ what can be done to repair that harm while holdin’ the person who caused it accountable for their actions. Lemme tell ya, we don’t take kindly to strangers whose idea of restitution relies solely on dehumanizin’ punishment.

Mark my words, one wrong step in this town’ll land you in a whole heap of social services.

Hell, I’m fixin’ to roll up my sleeves ’n teach you a thing or two about harm reduction myself, but I’m thinkin’ you ain’t worth the trouble. How ’bout we let this here pamphlet outlinin’ three years’ worth of statistics on recidivism rates among local offenders do the talkin’? But I’d better warn ya—unlike the sheriff, I ain’t bound by the law when it comes to providin’ delinquent individuals the help they need to become productive members of society.

Think I’m bluffin’? Why don’t you ask the last guy who tried to argue that crime is a violation of the law and the state, rather’n a violation of people and relationships.

I tell you, we marched him right to the town library with pitchforks and torches. Then we handed him a shovel and made him dig his own plot in the community garden, givin’ him access to fresh produce and plenty of physical activity, all while learnin’ him an invaluable set of skills he’d never get from that there carceral state.

There’ll be no disenfranchisin’ of marginalized populations on my watch.

You see, me and the boys get a whole lot of pleasure out of educatin’ anyone who so much as looks at us funny. Big Earl here’s got a masters in sociology from Vanderbilt, and nothin’ makes Big Earl madder’n generational cycles of systemic violence.

If you don’t wanna end up in a free computer literacy class at the community center we built with funds diverted from the bloated po-lice budget, then I reckon you best be on your way.

Go on, git. Hightail it back to whatever shame-based legal system you wandered in from.

And don’t come back unless you’re lookin’ to join a weekly discussion group on The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander. You sure don’t want to be caught here after sundown without havin’ read the chapter on the devastating impact America’s war on drugs had on inner city neighborhoods, y’hear?

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Trump Threatens To Sue BBC Over Misleading Edit Of ‘The Vicar Of Dibley’

The Onion Staff — Mon, 10 Nov 2025 20:04:57 +0000

LONDON—In response to what his lawyers characterized as “a reckless and defamatory misrepresentation” of the beloved ’90s sitcom about a small-town vicar and her eccentric parishioners, President Donald Trump threatened to sue the British Broadcasting Corporation on Monday for an allegedly misleading edit of The Vicar Of Dibley. “Given that the BBC has chosen to deliberately manipulate the famous puddle sequence to create the false impression that Rev. Geraldine Granger intentionally fell into a shoulders-deep pond, President Trump will be left with no alternative but to enforce his legal rights to the fullest extent of the law,” said Trump’s attorney Alejandro Brito, confirming that the president would seek $1 billion in damages after the network aired an edited rerun that “knowingly and maliciously” omitted Alice Tinker’s naughty joke about the bishop’s trousers. “The BBC’s so-called ‘restoration’ of the 1996 Christmas special constitutes a willful act of defamation against Frank Pickle by omitting his heartfelt confession to the parish council and further mischaracterizes Geraldine’s fifth turkey dinner as gluttony rather than the simple misunderstanding it plainly was. The BBC’s decision to portray Dibley’s well-meaning vicar as foolish demonstrates gross editorial negligence, as it is a matter of record that the vicar was too polite to refuse a dinner invitation from a parishioner and therefore had to eat five full meals on Christmas Eve. Moreover, Mr. Trump is deeply concerned by the BBC’s deceptive recut of a scene implying that David Horton earnestly referred to the elderly Mrs. Letitia Cropley as ‘the Dibley poisoner’ after she served a birthday cake made from Marmite instead of chocolate, when, in context, the remark was obviously meant in jest. Had the episode been aired in full, viewers would see Mr. Horton happily consuming Mrs. Cropley’s ham-and-lemon-curd sandwich that very same day.” At press time, sources confirmed that BBC lawyers were reportedly in settlement talks to re-air the entire Vicar Of Dibley catalog unedited.

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Smucker’s Sues Trader Joe’s Over Uncrustables Dupe

The Onion Staff — Fri, 17 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

The J.M. Smucker Co. is suing Trader Joe’s for allegedly copying its Uncrustables frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, claiming the products’ crimped edges and packaging design violate their trademark. What do you think?

“The Trader Joe’s dupe isn’t what’s stopping me from buying Uncrustables.”
Anika Schmidt, Window Tinter

“This is shaping up to be a landmark case in the field of jelly law.”
Mateo Alvarez, Salad Innovator

“Next you’ll tell me Trader Joe’s didn’t invent Mandarin orange chicken.”
Luka Petrović, Paint Disposer

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Legal Ruling Forces God To Add Cancer Warning To Earth

The Onion Staff — Thu, 09 Oct 2025 15:15:13 +0000

THE HEAVENS—Noting unsafe levels of carcinogens in all land, air, and water, a legal ruling handed down by the Celestial Court on Tuesday ordered God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, to add a cancer warning to Earth. “The Creator of All Things has known for millennia that every continent causes cancer, and now He must put a caution label on the planet alerting consumers of the danger so they can make informed decisions about their health,” said legal scholar Randall Perkins, who explained that the warning would feature photos of ravaged landscapes and dying Earth residents to get the point across. “The Supreme Deity will face stiff legal fines if He fails to comply with the ruling’s provisions, which require the notice to warn that Earth should be avoided by pregnant women at all costs, and that children should never be in the planet’s vicinity. This is a step in the right direction, as even limited exposure to Earth has been linked to increased cancer risk. If you have to go there, it’s best to abstain from breathing the air.” At press time, the Eternal Kingdom’s Court of Appeals had overturned the ruling, determining that the addition of a cancer warning would inhibit Earth’s business interests.

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New Death With Indignity Law Lets Terminally Ill Be Crushed By Falling Vending Machines

The Onion Staff — Thu, 07 Aug 2025 16:11:26 +0000

BOISE, ID—In what is being hailed as a victory for advocates of the right to end one’s life in total humiliation, the Idaho Legislature passed a new death with indignity law Thursday that will allow the terminally ill to be crushed by falling vending machines. “Across our state, people dying of incurable diseases will now have the right to choose a slow, painful, and really embarrassing death,” House Speaker Mike Moyle said of the bipartisan measure that is expected to be signed into law today, remarking that the option to die in the manner of a person who has rocked a vending machine back and forth, perhaps when it failed to dispense change or release a desired food item, had been legal in Switzerland for many decades. “If they’re too sick to travel to an office break room, hotel hallway, or bowling alley, a vending machine–assisted death can be carried out in a patient’s home, where they can be crushed to death while surrounded by deeply ashamed loved ones.” At press time, a 33-year-old Pocatello man had become the first Idaho resident to die with his hands around a bag of Famous Amos cookies as two large male nurses pushed a snack machine over on top of him.

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Kim Kardashian Graduates Law School

The Onion Staff — Tue, 27 May 2025 14:59:37 +0000

Kim Kardashian announced that she has completed her law program after six years of legal studies, with her sister Khloé sharing photos of the private ceremony on her Instagram story. What do you think?

“Well now she’s definitely out of my league.”
Tony Chavez, Vintage Typographer

“I could use a lawyer who takes the spotlight off of my crimes.”
Angela Aguirre, Wrist Examiner

“The real money is in trades.”
Gary Perkins, Book Shelver

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Whataburger Sued For $1 Million For Not Holding Onions

The Onion Staff — Fri, 23 May 2025 15:40:53 +0000

A Texas man filed a lawsuit against the fast food chain Whataburger alleging that he received onions on his burger despite requesting none, claiming the meal caused an allergic reaction. What do you think?

“How much am I entitled to if I just think their burgers are gross?”
Spencer Snook, Box Ticker

“Real Whataburger fans will eat through any allergic reaction.”
Jerome Onderko, Recipe Judge

“I know from personal experience that allium law is a nightmare to navigate.”
Isa Clark, Chief Revisionist

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New Indiana Law Requires All Porn Viewers To Register As Sex Offenders

The Onion Staff — Fri, 16 May 2025 13:00:00 +0000

INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to curb unauthorized traffic to adult websites within the state, Indiana lawmakers passed new legislation Thursday requiring all potential viewers of online pornography to register as sex offenders before they could access sexually explicit material.

“This law will ensure that no resident of Indiana encounters harmful, X-rated content on the internet without first providing proof that they are legally considered a sexual predator,” said bill co-sponsor Sen. Liz Brown (R-Fort Wayne), explaining that under the new measure an unclosable pop-up window would send users to a third-party website where they would be prompted to verify their permanent status on the sex offender database, waive their right to a trial, and submit to a mugshot before any graphic content could be displayed.

“This is merely a fail-safe to ensure the only individuals accessing mature material online are those on record as being a depraved person in the eyes of the law,” Brown continued. “In addition, the community at large will be alerted to the presence of these perverts who regularly view pornography for their own pleasure. Similar measures have proven successful in Texas and Oklahoma, where internet users are required to go door to door and announce themselves as sex criminals to their friends and neighbors every time they wish to navigate to a website that may show genitals, kissing, or a woman’s nipple.”

Brown went on to state that users would need to register as repeat offenders for each additional category of pornography they intended to view.

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Judges Claim Pizza Deliveries Sent To Their Homes Meant To Intimidate

The Onion Staff — Wed, 14 May 2025 19:45:24 +0000

Federal judges, some of whom are overseeing cases involving the Trump administration, are sounding the alarm over unsolicited deliveries of pizzas to their homes, which they view as a tactic of intimidation against them. What do you think?

“People will say anything to get out of tipping.”
Alfred Bako, Prong Straightener

“Man, I wish I was worth intimidating.”
Nelson Eggleston, Produce Curator

“Hopefully they’ve hired some big, hungry guys for protection.”
Savannah Arnold, Vacuum Sealer

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Sean Combs Asks For Quick Trial So He Can Get To Part Where Trump Pardons Him

The Onion Staff — Tue, 13 May 2025 18:33:10 +0000

NEW YORK—Insisting that they were all busy people with things to do, Sean “Diddy” Combs reportedly asked a U.S. district court judge for a quick trial Tuesday so that he could just get to the part where President Trump pardons him. “With all due respect, your honor, can we skip some of the preamble and jump to when Trump gets all these sex trafficking and racketeering charges thrown out?” said the disgraced rap mogul, interrupting a federal prosecutor’s statement in order to stress that it would really be better for all parties if they put aside any allegations of rape or physical abuse that were going to be reversed by a stroke of the president’s pen anyway. “There’s no need to draw this out. Let’s just cut to the chase. If it’s helpful, I’m happy to go do a photo op in the Oval Office today thanking the president and handing him a Bad Boy Records jersey.” After Combs’ statement, the judge was said to have sat in stunned silence for a full minute before admitting the defendant did have a point.

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Texas Bans Being Different Around Children

The Onion Staff — Tue, 13 May 2025 13:00:00 +0000

AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark piece of legislation designed to stifle individuality across the state, the Texas Legislature passed a bill Friday that legally banned being different around children. “Starting today, adults are no longer permitted to be unique or to deviate from a narrow set of cultural norms while in the presence of a minor,” Gov. Greg Abbott said at a press conference, arguing that the possession of any distinctive, unconventional personality traits was a slippery slope on the way to being outright weird. “No longer will parents have to live in fear of their children one day encountering a quirky, eccentric adult who marches to the beat of their own drum. Anyone who owns a funky wardrobe, exhibits niche interests, or can be considered a free spirit in any sense of the term must stay at least 500 yards away.” Abbott added that all adults would now be subject to mandatory “quirk checks” to ensure they were boring and uptight enough to be near a minor.

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