Vol 61: Issue 47 Archives - The Onion

Australian Prisoner Sues For Right To Eat Vegemite

The Onion Staff — Sat, 22 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

An inmate in Australia is suing over a ban on prisoners eating Vegemite, arguing that forbidding the yeast-based spread violates his human right to “enjoy his culture as an Australian.” What do you think?

“Don’t do the crime if you can’t do without spreads.”
Karl Stenroos, Geode Polisher

“It’s a staple of Australian culture second only to being in prison.”
Crystal Bohnenkamp, Pretzel Salter

“A real Australian wouldn’t have put himself in a situation with no Vegemite in the first place.”
Rhys Dobbs, Botulism Expert

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Shedeur Sanders Confident He Can Deliver Everything Browns Fans Have Come To Expect

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Nov 2025 18:10:29 +0000

CLEVELAND—Saying he was ready to carry on the legacy forged by Cody Kessler, Dorian Thompson-Robinson, and dozens of other short-lived Browns signal callers over the past two decades, rookie quarterback Shedeur Sanders told reporters Friday he was “more than confident” he could deliver everything Cleveland fans had come to expect. “Being this team’s 42nd starting quarterback since 1999 is a huge responsibility, but I’m prepared to be that guy,” said the fifth-round pick, adding that he felt fully capable of upholding the standard set by his many predecessors who had been thrust into the lineup by injuries, and that he had no doubt he possessed the skill, composure, and maturity required to lead the Browns through the kind of last-place campaign the franchise’s loyal fan base had grown accustomed to. “I can’t wait to go out there and show what it truly means to be a Cleveland Browns quarterback. Dillon [Gabriel] left some big shoes to fill, but I know I can carry the torch and embody everything this 2–8 team represents.” Sanders vowed to give the Browns everything he had for the next two weeks, at which point he expects to lose the starting job to Bailey Zappe.

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Political Profile: Marjorie Taylor Greene

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Nov 2025 18:08:07 +0000

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s (R-GA) feud with President Trump is shaking MAGA world. Here is everything you need to know about Greene.

Birthplace: Kenya

Religion: Islamophobia

Experience: Six years of commenting “Pedophiles!” under Facebook posts

Political Ideology: Christian swinger nationalism

Favorite Condiment: Beef jerky

Nickname For Son, Boyfriend, And Dog: Buster

Campaign Slogan: “I will end your miserable life.”

Name In Trump’s Phone: Blonde 4/10

Likeliest Post-Congress Job: Dancing With The Stars contestant or president of the United States

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Religiosity In U.S. Drops To Lowest On Record

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Nov 2025 17:35:14 +0000

A new Gallup poll found that fewer than half of Americans now say religion is important in their daily lives, a 17 point drop since 2015, reflecting a major cultural shift in the U.S. What do you think?

“Hey, God ditched us first.”
Brad Dumdei, Tin Supplier

“Time for the Pope to start cracking skulls.”
Patrick Koepp, Cheese Curdler

“Just think how low it would be without those Super Bowl ads.”
Stella Bohnenkamp, Fireworks Marketer

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Steak ’N Shake Employee Screams After Nude RFK Jr. Climbs Out Of Beef Tallow Fryer

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Nov 2025 16:07:55 +0000

SOUTH BEND, IN—Expressing horror at the sight of the health secretary’s bare torso emerging from the vat of grease, a local Steak ’n Shake employee reportedly screamed Friday after a nude Robert F. Kennedy Jr. climbed out of the restaurant’s beef tallow fryer. “My skin is perfectly crispy, and I’ve never felt healthier,” said Kennedy, who heaved up gallons of sizzling fat, rolled around in salt, and took a big crunchy bite out of his own arm after spending an indeterminate number of hours in the fryer. “Seed oils cause obesity, but beef tallow gets the skin nice and cracklin’ so the obesity can’t get in. And these third-degree burns covering my body cook out soft tissue cancers. No additives or preservatives, just pure golden brown Robby Kennedy Jr. at this Steak ’n Shake! Glug, glug, glug—I feel the tallow’s bovine powers eliminating the vaccines from my blood!” At press time, reports confirmed Kennedy had turned up the temperature even higher and crawled back into the fryer.

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JD Vance Cries In Bathroom After Trump Uses ‘Piggy’ Nickname On Someone Else

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Nov 2025 16:06:12 +0000

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a controversial incident aboard Air Force One in which President Donald Trump insulted a female journalist, Vice President JD Vance is said to have wept in his office bathroom, furious that the commander-in-chief had used his special “piggy” nickname on someone else. “But I’m supposed to be his piggy—I’m supposed to be his only piggy,” a weeping Vance said this week as he collapsed against the locked bathroom door and slid down onto the tile. “Somebody’s in here! Just give me a second! God, it’s not fair. She didn’t even do the oinks. It was hard enough to have to hold it together after he called Marjorie Taylor Greene a ‘ranting lunatic’ last week, but this—this is a bridge too far. Who does that bitch reporter think she is? I’m his piggy. Me! You just need to pull yourself together, JD, and show him you’re still his best little piggy.” At press time, Vance had reportedly locked himself in his bedroom and refused to come out after hearing Trump refer to someone else as a “fat slob.”

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Gifted Khashoggi Head Mounted In Oval Office

The Onion Staff — Thu, 20 Nov 2025 19:29:54 +0000

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OpenAI Reveals ChatGPT Primarily Used To Ask If Hot Dog Too Old To Eat

The Onion Staff — Thu, 20 Nov 2025 18:55:34 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO—Shedding light on how consumers were most likely to interact with the popular software application, a new report published Thursday by OpenAI revealed that ChatGPT was primarily used to ask if hot dogs were too old to eat. “Our large-scale analysis found that 98% of our users are leveraging the computing power of AI to determine whether it’s okay to consume withered processed sausages that emit pungent odors,” said OpenAI research scientist Eric Bouvier, adding that speakers of every language in the world had asked the question, whether about bloated packages of unopened frankfurters or leftover chili cheese dogs that had been lingering in the refrigerator on crusty paper plates. “At any given point, the vast majority of users are employing our chatbot’s cutting-edge neural network to generate responses to the question ‘Are hot dogs supposed to be covered in slime?’ And thanks to the photos they’ve uploaded, our model has now been trained on over 1 billion unique images of pallid meat tubes. We estimate that delegating that task of assessing hot dog safety to ChatGPT has increased user productivity by 500%.” At press time, reports confirmed millions of users had contracted food poisoning after ChatGPT told them to scrape off the mold and “chow down.”

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What To Know About ‘Pluribus’

The Onion Staff — Thu, 20 Nov 2025 18:37:44 +0000

Pluribus, a new sci-fi drama starring Rhea Seehorn, is Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan’s first show since Better Call Saul concluded. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series.

Q: What’s the premise?

A: An extraterrestrial virus causes everyone except those who were robbed at the Emmys to join a hive mind.

Q: How is Pluribus connected to the Breaking Bad universe?

A: Vince Gilligan has confirmed the series takes place entirely within Jesse Pinkman’s mind.

Q: What does “pluribus” mean?

A: It is French for “plums.”

Q: Is it true it has an anti-AI message?

A: Yes, the story is a veiled metaphor exploring the dangers of Nvidia’s market cap exceeding Apple’s.

Q: So, wait, did Walt really, actually, definitely die at the end of Breaking Bad?

A: Again, just to be clear, Pluribus is a different show.

Q: Where can I watch it?

A: At the home of any friend who didn’t realize their Apple TV subscription auto-renewed.

Q: Will Breaking Bad fans like it?

A: Considering that the main character is a woman, no.

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Exhausted Stable Boy Clearly Just Going Through Motions Of Tearing Open Bodice

The Onion Staff — Thu, 20 Nov 2025 18:33:45 +0000

GLOUCESTERSHIRE, ENGLAND—Audibly sighing as he “listlessly” undid a corset string by the light of a candle, a sulking, exhausted stable boy was reportedly going through the motions Thursday of tearing open Lady Marietta Ashcroft’s bodice. “At first I thought he was distracted by the nickering horses, or the passionate surging of the thunderstorm, but now it seems he’s simply not present at all,” said a sexually frustrated Lady Ashcroft, who observed that the strapping young stable hand had bent her over a hay bale to ravage her with complete disinterest, pausing frequently to relight the candle. “I know my countenance is pleasing, and my bosom is ample, so what the hell gives? Any chiseled lad in his right mind would jump at a chance to engage in a forbidden affair with me. It’s like he barely even cares that we’re of different classes!” At press time, the noblewoman’s husband, back early from business in London, was reportedly scolding the half-clothed pair before half-heartedly joining in on the action.

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Dennis Hastert Just Going To Assume He Welcome Back In GOP

The Onion Staff — Thu, 20 Nov 2025 18:09:17 +0000

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Hirsute Yourself

The Onion Staff — Thu, 20 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

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