Vol 61: Issue 47

Politics

‘We’re Off To See The World!’ Shout Saluting Trump Boys Setting Sail On D.C. Reflecting Pool

WASHINGTON—Embarking on their self-described “diplomatic voyage” at the National Mall Tuesday while their wives and children waved goodbye, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly declared,…
Politics

Pentagon Blames Venezuela For Flow Of Drugs Into Kash Patel

WASHINGTON—Calling the national crisis “a complete justification” for additional airstrikes on boats purportedly trafficking narcotics, the Pentagon issued a statement Tuesday blaming Venezuela for the…
Entertainment

‘Dancing With The Stars’ Criticized For Allowing Whitney Leavitt Extra Pair Of Legs

LOS ANGELES—Accusing the competition series of “blatant favoritism,” Dancing With The Stars fans took to social media Tuesday to criticize the show for allowing contestant…
Local

Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend

COLUMBUS, OH—Casually minimizing the amount of fulfillment and joy he now finds in his everyday life, area man Tyler Reaves reportedly downplayed his happiness Tuesday…
American Voices

New Rules Would Deny Visas To Those With Chronic Health Conditions

The U.S. government issued new guidance that would deny visas to applicants with certain chronic health conditions such as diabetes or obesity if they may…
Politics

Megyn Kelly Anxiously Waits For Everyone Else To Start Condoning Pedophilia Too

NEW YORK—Faced with backlash against comments she made last week downplaying the sex trafficking crimes of Jeffrey Epstein, an anxious Megyn Kelly appeared on her…

Politics

Trump To Vance: ‘I Need You To Say You Stole My Face In The 1990s’

WASHINGTON—Taking the vice president aside to discuss the administration’s response to the upcoming House of Representatives vote to release the Epstein files, President Donald Trump…
News

Tips For Canning Food At Home

While prices at the grocery store continue to rise, more Americans are turning to shelf-stable preservation methods to save money on food. The Onion shares…
Football, Sports

Detroit Lions Rookie Asks For Thanksgiving Off

DETROIT—Double-checking that he had approval before finalizing travel plans, Detroit Lions rookie Tate Ratledge reportedly approached head coach Dan Campbell on Monday to see if…
Local

Former Army Sniper Struggling To Readjust To Being Near Stuff

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Acknowledging that he was on a long and ongoing process of reintegration, former Army sniper Clint Meadows told reporters Monday that he was struggling…
News

DNA Sequencing Reveals Hitler Was Type Of Fern

BATH, ENGLAND—Saying the discovery shed new light on the infamous German dictator’s life, University of Bath researchers revealed DNA sequencing Friday showing that Adolf Hitler…
News

SNAP Warns Recipients It Could Be Days Before Kidneys Regain Function

WASHINGTON—Urging low-income Americans to be patient as officials worked around the clock to restore normal operation, the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program issued a statement Friday…