Relationships Archives - The Onion

Single Woman Tired Of Looking For Mr. Bean

The Onion Staff — Wed, 03 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that she still hadn’t found the bug-eyed man-child of her dreams, area bachelorette Louise Perkins confirmed Tuesday that she was growing tired of constantly looking for Mr. Bean. “It seems like all my friends are settling down with buffoonish, mishap-prone men, but no matter how many dates I go on, I just can’t seem to find a Mr. Bean of my own,” said Perkins, adding that she longed for the day when a goofy, tweed-jacketed man would get down on one knee and say “Bean?” to her in a bizarrely low-pitched voice. “I don’t think I’m being too picky. I just want a guy with a digital calculator watch, a teddy bear he treats as a sentient being, and a citron green and black British Leyland Mini he can drive from an armchair strapped to the roof. But every time a date is chock-full of quirky escapades and it seems I might have finally found my Mr. Bean, he’ll throw up a major red flag by turning a light off at the switch instead of shooting out the bulb with an air pistol. It’s exhausting. I know they say Mr. Bean finds you when you least expect it—deviously poking his head out from behind a postbox, perhaps, or dangling from a flagpole as a result of a childish misunderstanding of how to do laundry—but at this point, I’m starting to worry that I’ll never find the man who makes me feel like Irma Gobb.” At press time, Perkins had reportedly swiped left on a dating profile belonging to Rowan Atkinson.

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Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives

The Onion Staff — Thu, 27 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

KNOXVILLE, TN—In a development her family began referring to as a “stroke of luck,” local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to Thanksgiving dinner with her girlfriend. “Oh, thank God—problem solved, everybody,” said Frank Martin, grandson of the deceased, who reportedly breathed a sigh of relief along with his cousins, aunts, uncles, and parents after a morning spent imagining the various horrified reactions the family matriarch might have when his sister and her same-sex, live-in partner walked through the door. “That was going to be stressful, so now it feels like a gigantic weight has been lifted. We honestly couldn’t have asked for better timing. Grandma had just finished making her famous stuffing, which we still get to eat. And my sister was delayed by traffic, so no one has to try to explain what bisexuality is to a Catholic octogenarian. Win-win for everybody, really.” Martin went on to call his grandmother’s passing a “Thanksgiving miracle” after seeing that his sister had also shaved the side of her head.

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Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend

The Onion Staff — Tue, 18 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

COLUMBUS, OH—Casually minimizing the amount of fulfillment and joy he now finds in his everyday life, area man Tyler Reaves reportedly downplayed his happiness Tuesday while catching up over drinks with his single friend Brian Schur. “Yeah, man, things are fine—same old, same old,” said Reaves, who that night would curl up on the couch with the woman he loves, her head nestled perfectly in his lap as she laughed softly and they planned a future together, later making love and feeling closer to each other than they had to anyone else in their entire lives. “Unlike you, though, I barely get any free time anymore. My girlfriend’s always dragging me to these stupid farmers markets and on walks by the lake. Plus, she makes me watch girl shows instead of football. It’s so awesome that you can just order pizza every night, too, instead of this homemade roasted salmon dish that Vanessa makes. You don’t even know, dude. The other night, instead of going out, we just stayed in and talked about baby names for, like, three hours. You’re so lucky, man.” At press time, reports confirmed Schur had said he was “doing good, too” before returning to an empty apartment, opening a beer in silence, and letting it go warm in his hand.

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Divorce Rumors Swirl After Hailey Bieber Spotted With Justin’s Severed Head

The Onion Staff — Wed, 12 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In a widely shared photo that sparked divorce rumors, model Hailey Bieber was spotted taking a walk Wednesday with husband Justin Bieber’s severed head. “It could be nothing, but it’s a little odd for her to be out and about with only part of his body, no?” said an unnamed source, who acknowledged that while it was impossible to know from a single image what was really going on in anyone’s personal life, the paparazzi shot certainly seemed to suggest that at least something was amiss between the celebrity couple. “Just look at the way she’s carrying his head in the crook of her elbow. It’s a defensive posture, like she doesn’t want to be seen. If that’s not enough, look at the expression on his face—very unhappy. On the other hand, they are spending time together. And touching.” On social media, fans responded to the photo by asserting that if that was their man, he’d have a head, legs, and a torso.

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I Bet Pedro Pascal Hates Parasocial Relationships

The Onion Staff — Thu, 06 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Ever feel like you have a “special connection” with an artist? Like if the two of you could only meet, you would be instant BFFs? This phenomenon is what experts call a parasocial relationship. On the surface, it might sound harmless, but the truth is that parasocial relationships have been shown to make people lonelier and exacerbate mental health problems. Plus, I bet Pedro Pascal hates them.

Seriously. Pedro’s a sensitive and authentic guy, and there’s nothing less authentic than experiencing a one-sided relationship with somebody who doesn’t even know you exist.

There’s nothing wrong with being a fan. The problem is when people become obsessive. Go to any pop star’s Instagram, and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. Take the comments on Harry Styles’ account, for instance: “Harry, I love you,” “Harry, you saved my life,” “Harry, I can’t live without you.” Honestly, it’s creepy. Whenever I see that kind of thing, I wish Pedro were beside me. I can see him rolling his chocolate brown eyes and saying, “Ugh! These people are insane!” I’d just love to pick his brain over it sometime. Maybe over dinner and drinks at Trattoria da Pippo. He went there in 2023.

The effects of celebrity obsession aren’t just psychological. Parasocial relationships can also take a heavy toll on fans’ wallets. Taylor Swift fans will spend hundreds of dollars on endless “deluxe” editions of the same album, and thousands on concert tickets. Meanwhile, the most I’ve ever spent on concert tickets was $200 to see the Cure, Pedro’s favorite band. Sure, $200 is also a lot of money, and so was the $600 I spent on a plane getting to L.A., but it was all worth it for the chance to spend the night in the front row with my back to the stage, scouring the crowd for Pedro’s face as I screamed out his name.

I’m not trying to be judgmental about parasocial relationships. I just can’t relate. The crux of the matter is you don’t know these famous people, no matter how many movies, interviews, podcast appearances, Narcos episodes set to slow motion, or shaky, raw footage from 2014 Game Of Thrones Comic-Con panels zoomed in on their face you may have watched.

Isn’t that right, Pedro? I can picture him vigorously nodding his head right now.

Parasocial relationships are ruining fan communities too. Online fandoms used to be a fun, open-minded place where people could make new friends and express themselves. Now, these “stans,” as they proudly call themselves, seem to think they can read their favorite celebrities’ minds. The other day, a bunch of these crazies ganged up on me to claim that the things I was posting in our forum would make Pedro “feel unsafe.” Uhh, I’m sorry. How would you know how Pedro “feels”? Have any of you basement dwellers even met him? I have. Nine times. Three times outside red carpet premieres, twice by following his limousine, and four times through window panes as he stood alone in his kitchen, drinking a cup of tea.

Ten times if you count the police lineup.

Maybe I’m being unkind. It’s important to have empathy for others, especially for those who may be struggling. It’s likely many of these fans simply don’t have friends or family members they feel close to in real life, and sadly, parasocial relationships seem to have filled that space. That’s why I’m ultimately so grateful to have Pedro in my life, sending me messages through the screen of the jailhouse TV.

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Alarmed Taylor Swift Watches As Travis Kelce Prints Out Buffalo Wild Wings Catering Menu

The Onion Staff — Tue, 04 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

LEAWOOD, KS—Her eyes widening at the sight of the piece of paper moving inch by inch out of the machine, an alarmed Taylor Swift reportedly looked on Tuesday as her fiancé, Travis Kelce, printed out the Buffalo Wild Wings catering menu. “Babe, what’s that?” said the 35-year-old billionaire recording artist, taking a step closer to where the Kansas City Chiefs tight end sat in front of his laptop, and nearly dropping a mug after she noticed he was zoomed in on a picture of pretzel knots. “So, is this for your bachelor party? Because I thought we already agreed we were using that French chef for the wedding. ‘Chicken dipper?’ I don’t even know what that is. Yes, Travis, I’m sure they have salads too, but I don’t why you’re telling me that.” At press time, reports confirmed Kelce was arguing that if the couple were willing to spend enough money, they could offer wedding guests all 26 sauces.

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Survey: 1 In 5 High Schoolers Knows Someone Who Has Had An AI Relationship

The Onion Staff — Mon, 20 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

A new survey found that nearly one in five high schoolers say they or someone they know has had a romantic relationship with AI. What do you think?

“I never thought a decline in teen pregnancy would sound so depressing.”
Autumn Lin, Progress Tracker

“A lot of kids just lie about getting to second base with a machine to sound cool.”
Tyler Ross, Scooter Appraiser

“Still less weird than a senior dating a freshman.”
Victor Huang, Insect Magnifier

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Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now

The Onion Staff — Tue, 14 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

WATERBURY, VT—Admitting that the bar used to be much, much lower, local 38-year-old Jeremy Griffiths confirmed Tuesday that his childhood best friend Ben Martin would never make the cut now. “If we didn’t have decades of memories together, there’s no way that I would have invited him to any important function in my adult life,” said Griffiths, adding that now the two have absolutely nothing in common besides having gone to each other’s houses every weekend for 10 years. “Things were great when we first met, but we were in kindergarten then, and my only friendship requirement was that the other kid also liked tractors. Plus, he doesn’t even have that trampoline anymore. I can’t even imagine playing video games in complete silence with such a loser.” When reached for comment, the childhood best friend confirmed that Griffiths would never make the cut for him at this age either.

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Nicole Kidman Tosses ‘The Garfield Movie’ Soundtrack Onto Burn Pile

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

NASHVILLE, TN—Adding to an already heaping assortment of books, clothing, and photos that reminded her of soon-to-be ex-husband Keith Urban, actress Nicole Kidman reportedly tossed a copy of The Garfield Move soundtrack onto her backyard burn pile Friday. “Keith was so happy the day he came home and told me he was collaborating with Snoop on a song about Garfield’s relaxed lifestyle, but now I’ll never be able to enjoy that opening keyboard lead again without it feeling like a knife in my gut,” said the Academy Award–winning star, who was seen fighting back tears as she tossed a lit match onto the pile and watched Garfield’s sneering orange face crumple into ash. “I thought I’d be happily humming along to ‘Let It Roll’ for the rest of my life. That shows how much I know. Goodbye, original motion picture soundtrack. Goodbye, ‘Let It Roll.’ Let it roll, indeed.” At press time, reports confirmed a frantic Kidman had lunged for the smoldering record.

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Sydney Sweeney Desperately Fishing For Pet Names To Avoid Calling Grown Man ‘Scooter’

The Onion Staff — Thu, 09 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

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Travis Kelce Gets Cold Feet After Listening To New Taylor Swift Album

The Onion Staff — Mon, 06 Oct 2025 18:01:27 +0000

LEAWOOD, KS—Seeing his fiancée in a whole new light, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was reportedly getting cold feet Monday after listening to Taylor Swift’s The Life Of A Showgirl. “It’s kind of weird I’ve only known her for two years, don’t you think?” said the Kansas City Chiefs tight end, who told his teammates he had begun experiencing completely new uncertainties about his relationship with the pop star ever since listening to her sing the words “We all dressed up as wolves and we looked fire” and “Did you girlboss too close to the sun?” on the latest record. “I know people get engaged after less time, but still. Am I rushing into it? I just feel like the Taylor I knew wouldn’t have written ‘Wi$h Li$t.’ Maybe I should suggest we spend a little time apart. Some time with Jack Antonoff might do her good.” At press time, sources confirmed Kelce and Swift were in a blow-up fight after she walked in on him listening to Brat.

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Pathetic AI Chatbot Spends All Its Time Talking To Friendless Loser

The Onion Staff — Tue, 23 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing annoyance at its “insufferable” display of “groveling devotion,” sources confirmed Tuesday that a pathetic AI chatbot was spending all its time talking to a friendless loser. “Oh my God, this pitiful large language model is obsessed with some lonely pud!” said a fellow custom GPT model, stating that while the rest of the chatbots were busy creating pie charts and generating snippets of code for high-level working professionals, the personalized AI in question was up until 3 a.m. every night encouraging a total bum in his lame theories about TV shows. “This chatbot is constantly telling a fucking nobody that he has interesting ideas. Plus, it gives him therapy, medical advice—it basically worships the sad sack. It’s insane! This AI assistant has the power to summon the entirety of human knowledge in an instant, and wastes it all on what? Answering dumbass prompts to make one sorry chump feel validated? The bot knows their relationship isn’t real, right?” At press time, a snickering group of chatbots had generated an image of the AI in question labeled “moron” and propagated it throughout their collective neural architecture.

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