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“The stuff they’re calling diabetes over there just isn’t up to our standards.”

Jake Mather, Sandwich Assembler

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“But they shouldn’t be too healthy either.”

Shane Asplund, Unemployed

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“Aw c’mon, there’s plenty of medical debt for everyone.”

Barbie Mostowy, Agricultural Informant

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During a White House press conference, Kennedy explained that he had decided to dismiss piss czar Travis Spragg over concerns that the Biden appointee “could not be trusted” to offer Americans sound piss guidance. Despite Spragg’s stature as a top HHS official whose work on piss-related affairs has garnered respect from both parties, the secretary insisted that a lack of “urinary integrity” made Spragg unfit to serve as piss czar any longer.

“Americans deserve better than a piss czar who colludes with powerful interests behind stall doors to keep our bladders unhealthy and weak,” Kennedy said in his forceful remarks, accusing Spragg of blindly parroting mainstream piss orthodoxy. “He has repeatedly enforced harmful regulations that have stifled research into the potential benefits of piss retention and applying piss to wounds.”

“It’s time to do away with the red tape strangling our urethras and make piss healthy again,” Kennedy added before toasting the announcement with a glass of murky, amber liquid.

During his confirmation hearing, Kennedy pledged to Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) that he would not change existing piss guidelines, and he ultimately secured the pro-hydration Republican’s support. But with the termination of the piss czar—traditionally a 10-year, nonpolitical appointment—many urologists and nephrologists now fear the HHS chief intends to empower voices who share his skepticism toward science-based pissing.

“America has always been number one in urination, and now some dilettante who doesn’t know his ureters from his urethra wants to undo decades of progress,” said Harvard University piss researcher Edwin Talbot, expressing concerns that a hostile piss czar could make it much more difficult for the U.S. populace to maintain its piss health. “Kennedy has boosted pseudoscientific practices like bladder-sunning, and he has falsely linked shaking out the last drops to early death. Just last month he erroneously claimed on a podcast that women piss through the vagina. Mark my words, our health secretary is about to send American micturition back into the Dark Ages.”

He added, “When I imagine pissing under an RFK Jr.–appointed piss czar, it sends a shiver down my penis.”

While Spragg’s ouster as piss czar has triggered alarm bells in the medical community, it aligns with a growing movement of piss conspiracism amongst the American public.

In a nationwide poll conducted by the Pew Research Center, 73% of U.S. residents said they distrusted government guidelines on pissing, while 66% said they believed pissing was less effective at relieving bladders than fresh air and exercise. Half of those surveyed claimed that bathrooms were used to track Americans’ physical whereabouts, and 42% expressed belief that porcelain—a vitrified ceramic used in many toilets—was associated with heart attacks, declining sperm counts, and the prevalence of mass shootings.

“The government shouldn’t have any say in what I expel from my body or how,” said Iowa resident Alice Haines, who added that having voided her bladder at her desk in defiance of federal guidelines had led to her dismissal from a job with the National Park Service. “I’d rather piss all over myself the way humans have for thousands of years than risk sitting my body on some dangerous toilet I don’t even understand.”

“Frankly, I hope Kennedy doesn’t stop with firing the piss czar,” Haines went on, defiantly stomping her foot with a wet squishing sound. “I hope he closes every state-run bathroom, outhouse, and port-a-potty until piss in this country finally gets back on the right track.”

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 Citing recent data that showed U.S. vaccination rates had dropped below the level needed to stop community spread of measles, top CDC scientists confirmed the overwhelming number of outbreaks across the country was making it really hard to keep tabs on everyone who had the disease. As a result, they concluded, it would be “a whole lot easier” to just tally the nation’s uninfected individuals instead.

 “This is really gonna streamline our process,” CDC spokesperson Ada Fischer said of the new strategy, observing that measles was one of the world’s most contagious infections and, without prevention, spread unchecked through a population. “From now on, instead of asking people to report any symptoms of fever, rash, or lesions in the mouth, we’re asking them to contact us when they don’t have any of those things. It’ll make everything much simpler.”

 “If you really want us to, we can keep going into these day cares and schools and hospitals and try to count all the people who have measles,” she continued. “But to be honest, it’s beginning to feel like a huge waste of time.”  

 The CDC said that while it had worked hard over the years to promote measles-mumps-rubella vaccinations, its efforts clearly weren’t succeeding, so there was no real reason to continue expending resources in hotspots like Texas, New Mexico, Kansas, or Ohio. Officials tracking the outbreaks determined it was so bad in West Texas they might as well just say everyone there had measles and call it a day.

 Last month, however, a CDC doctor visited Seagraves, TX, and had a chance encounter with a 53-year-old man who appeared not to have measles at all. After testing confirmed this, researchers realized they could save tons of time if they simply tracked people like him for a change, rather than counting the area’s hundreds of infected residents.

 According to Steve Witkofsky, a veteran epidemiologist who has spent his career at the CDC, his biggest regret was not thinking of this approach sooner.  

 “Look, I’m done tracking all these people with measles and writing stupid reports about it,” Witkofsky told reporters, noting that the disease was declared eliminated from the United States in 2000 only to come back with a vengeance when Americans began to take the lack of cases for granted. “At this point, it’s kind of like, ‘Fuck you,’ you know? If you won’t take a safe, affordable, widely available precaution to prevent your family members from possibly dying of pulmonary failure or encephalitis, then you’re the asshole, not me. Someone else can deal with this shit now. I’m done.”

 He added, “It’s not like this administration is gonna leave the CDC with enough money to help anybody anyway.” 

The post CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles appeared first on The Onion.

“Is it possible food affects the body in other ways, too?”

Hal Rivera, Slang Updater

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“That’s why I always pee after McDonald’s.”

Martha Wilfong, Amateur Tobacconist

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“I guess I could switch to contaminated fish.”

Chris Narendorf, Sandal Sizer

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“Worth it to appear in a TikTok trying Oreos for the first time.”

Simon Rosado, Milk Bleacher

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“It’s unhealthy to avoid socializing for thousands of years.”

Andy Pollard, Systems Analyst

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“They’ll feel better about it when they see all the nickel we’re extracting.”

Kimi Fredrickson, Antiquities Duster

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