Death Archives - The Onion

Hakeem Jeffries Calls For Execution Of Central Park Five

The Onion Staff — Thu, 04 Dec 2025 18:20:01 +0000

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Thai Woman Found Alive In Coffin Moments Before Cremation

The Onion Staff — Fri, 28 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

After someone heard her knocking, a Thai woman was discovered alive inside her coffin, just narrowly avoiding cremation. What do you think?

“I couldn’t imagine having that kind of will to live.”
Shelby Fournier, Frog Hydrator

“Maybe prying open random coffin lids isn’t such a waste of time.”
Hubert Roers, Yogurt Stirrer

“At that point I’d just burn alive to avoid causing a scene.”
Roger Dallum, Artifact Gatherer

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‘Shut Up, Mother! Shut Up!’ Pleads George W. Bush To Dick Cheney Skeleton Dressed In Suit

The Onion Staff — Fri, 07 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

CRAWFORD, TX—Lashing out at the overbearing former vice president seated motionless in a rocking chair by the attic window, a distraught George W. Bush shouted, “Shut up, Mother! Shut up!” at the skeleton of Dick Cheney dressed in a suit, sources confirmed Friday. “I’m not your little boy anymore, Mother, so why must you constantly criticize me?” said the trembling 43rd president of the United States, accusing Cheney’s remains of cruelly mocking his paintings as “girlish” and “unbecoming of a boy his age.” “Don’t look at me that way, Mother! You always look at me that way! Go ahead and laugh, laugh that shrill old laugh of yours, but I can make my own decisions now because you don’t control me! Fine Mother, bring up bin Laden, just like you always do. You’ve spent your whole life trying to make me feel small, but I’m grown now. I’m a man, Mother, a man ! Hush now, I didn’t mean to raise my voice, Mother, honest. Let Georgie come and give you a kiss.” At press time, the former president was reportedly guiding Laura Bush toward the attic while murmuring, “Mother’s finally ready to meet you.”

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Report: Half Of All Uncontacted People Could Be Wiped Out In Next Decade

The Onion Staff — Tue, 28 Oct 2025 21:11:20 +0000

The new report revealed that thousands of uncontacted Indigenous peoples around the world are facing increasing dangers, such as contact by missionaries, miners, criminal gangs, and social media influencers spreading diseases and clearing forests, that could wipe out as many as half in 10 years. What do you think?

“Worth it to appear in a TikTok trying Oreos for the first time.”
Simon Rosado, Milk Bleacher

“It’s unhealthy to avoid socializing for thousands of years.”
Andy Pollard, Systems Analyst

“They’ll feel better about it when they see all the nickel we’re extracting.”
Kimi Fredrickson, Antiquities Duster

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Researchers Identify Gene Responsible For Visualizing Murder After Touching Missing Person’s Sweater

The Onion Staff — Fri, 17 Oct 2025 15:58:48 +0000

STANFORD, CA—Shedding new light on the rare trait’s origins, researchers at the Stanford School of Medicine announced Friday that they had successfully identified the gene responsible for giving individuals the ability to visualize a murder when they touch a missing person’s sweater. “Through extensive DNA analysis, we have finally isolated the sequence of base pairs that encodes for the power to hold a cardigan and see in one’s mind flashes of a young woman being stabbed to death in a ravine,” said geneticist Kathy Mendoza, explaining that the gene, which is found in all people who can peer into a mysterious alternate reality using what members of their family have for generations called “the gift,” had been located on the human genome’s 11th chromosome. “Those who possess this gene are, from the moment they touch a cuff of the sweater, plunged into a shadowy world parallel to our own in which the killer’s footprints are highlighted in a bright color and lead directly to the body. We are now markedly closer to understanding the complex role these genes play in aiding law enforcement who have exhausted all other options.” The researchers confirmed plans to continue their work by investigating the potential of gene editing in lab mice that have demonstrated the ability to communicate with a murder victim’s ghost.

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AI Deepfakes Of Dead Celebrities Spark Outrage

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Oct 2025 18:26:03 +0000

Saying it desecrates the late entertainers’ legacies, the families of Robin Williams and George Carlin have strongly condemned OpenAI’s new Sora video-generation platform, which allows users to create realistic videos of deceased public figures. What do you think?

“Whatever happened to manually puppeteering a celebrity’s corpse?
Faith Waddell, Systems Analyst

“But I haven’t even made them do sex stuff yet.”
Ray Pacheco, Novelties Engineer

“They should be grateful. I’d give anything to see my grandfather dance with Peter Griffin again.”
Phil Chamblee, Lunch Fetcher

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Paul McCartney Now Openly Referring To Self As ‘Last-Living Beatle’

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

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Trump Asks JD Vance To Research Whether President Allowed To Kill Vice President

The Onion Staff — Thu, 02 Oct 2025 18:10:33 +0000

WASHINGTON—Calling him “the best man for the job,” President Donald Trump reportedly asked JD Vance Thursday to research whether the president was allowed to kill the vice president. “I mean, Article II says he’s legally my property, right?” said Trump, who stated that the task was “absolutely critical” as he put both his hands on Vance’s shoulders and looked him squarely in the eye. “See if there’s anything in the Constitution about squeezing and squeezing until the light leaves his eyes. Should be fine if it’s an official act. Russell Vought says I can do it, but I just want to be sure. Though to be honest, I’m probably going to do it whether it’s legal or not.” At press time, sources reported that Vance was asking Trump if he would please let go of his neck.

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Jane Goodall, Author Of ‘15 Amazing Monkey Facts For Kids,’ Dies At 91

The Onion Staff — Thu, 02 Oct 2025 16:40:12 +0000

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Murder Suspect Found To Have To-Do List For Cover Up

The Onion Staff — Thu, 18 Sep 2025 19:16:51 +0000

A Kentucky man was arrested after allegedly killing his partner and leaving behind a to-do list, which included instructions to clean blood, dispose of the body, and hide evidence. What do you think?

“Vision boards are way less incriminating.”
Brandon Brummett, Hedgehog Stylist

“It’s easy to laugh, but to-do lists really can help murderers with ADHD.”
Clark Skirven, Tome Shelver

“This is why I memorize all my crimes with a mnemonic.”
Tara Frick, Unemployed

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Cornell Students Skin, Butcher Dead Bear In Dorm

The Onion Staff — Tue, 16 Sep 2025 13:18:42 +0000

Two Cornell students killed a 120-pound black bear before bringing its carcass into a communal kitchen in their dormitory to skin and process it, with the undergrads having valid hunting licenses and not appearing to run afoul of the law. What do you think?

“All that lamp oil will come in handy during exam time.”
Meg Yantis, Montage Compiler

“College is the perfect time to experiment with what you like to butcher.”
Jason Cairi, Rope Strengthener

“I hope they wrote their names on it before putting it in the communal fridge.”
Cameron Henneberry, Paperwork Stapler

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State Department Threatens Immigrants Who Mock Charlie Kirk’s Death

The Onion Staff — Mon, 15 Sep 2025 18:41:05 +0000

The U.S. State Department said it may review the legal status of immigrants who “praise, rationalize, or make light” of Charlie Kirk’s fatal shooting. What do you think?

“I’d better attack Nancy Pelosi’s husband just to be on the safe side.”
Aaron Hart, Root Pickler

“But they do nothing when immigrants mock my boardshorts.”
Bart Foltin, Toothpick Carver

“Yeah, stick to making this country the beautiful tapestry it is, immigrants!”
Cara Weary, Shovel Salesman

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