At a press conference, Home-
land Security Secretary Kristi Noem said eligibility requirements that previously limited ICE applicants to the species Homo sapiens would now permit any animal to join, opening the door for countless birds, primates, and reptiles to participate in raids of immigrants’ workplaces, conduct ambushes at immigration courts, and pilot fast-track deportation flights to cooperating foreign countries.

“By removing restrictions on tentacles, hooves, talons, and the number of legs an applicant may possess, we’ve made it possible for countless nonhuman patriots to do their part cleaning up America’s streets,” said Noem, dressed in a pith helmet and ICE-emblazoned safari gear while flanked by a gorilla and an ostrich. “A bison can love its country just as much as any person, and if it wants to use its large, powerful horns to toss illegals into the back of a van, we say, ‘Welcome aboard.’ ”

“There are many kinds of patriots in this country, even if some of them can only communicate by hooting or growling,” Noem added.

ICE’s urgent need for new members is said to have led the agency to send recruiters to beaver dams, buzzard nests, and dank, bone-strewn caves across the country, where in a desperate effort to secure the personnel necessary to carry out their waves of deportations, they offer signing bonuses that range from logs full of termites to live salmon to carrion. Despite concerns from critics that most animals were unfit to wield life-or-death authority over a vulnerable populace, ICE officials claimed that an inability to experience human empathy was exactly the kind of quality they were looking for in their candidates.

“Morale is extremely low right now, and we’re frankly in no position to be picky about who we recruit,” said ICE chief of staff Jon Feere, adding that preferences for bipedal candidates with object permanence and opposable thumbs had become “a thing of the past” in the current political climate. “At the end of the day, what we need is more boots and talons and flippers on the ground. If a blue whale has a mouth big enough to detain a hundred illegals at a time, we’ll gladly hire it to help us take our country back.”

“Maybe if we’d been draping ostriches in body armor and sending them into sanctuary cities back in 2017, we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in now,” Feere continued.

According to eyewitness accounts, packs of ICE animals participating in training exercises have become a common sight in immigrant communities, with these maneuvers often derailing when a rabid raccoon leaps onto an agent’s face or a grizzly bear mauls law enforcement officials. This has reportedly prompted undocumented civilians to stay off the streets for fear of being carried off in the jaws of vicious wolves or stuffed in a kangaroo’s pouch and spirited away to a shadowy detention facility. 

Despite sharing similar backgrounds, many of the most gung-ho among ICE’s new recruits seem unbothered that they themselves come from species not native to North America.

“Immigrants Moka tax dollars take, dirty country—cry Moka,” said Moka, a 5-year-old eastern lowland gorilla recently hired by ICE, who communicated with reporters via rudimentary sign language while hidden behind mirrored aviators and a Punisher skull neck gaiter. “Immigrants trouble devils. Smart Trump Moka helpful. Far immigrants. Far woke. Patriot gorilla true.”

“No country charity,” Moka went on, snorting and slapping the ground as she grew increasingly agitated. “ICE good. Stink crime. Moka America great make.”

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Agents will personally thank white couples traveling with white children.

Mandatory ridiculing of bad driver’s license photos

Any quantity of unpasteurized milk is okay to bring through.

Muslim travelers must be placed in separate bins.

Quart-sized Ziploc bag limit for carry-on guns

Rather than walk through a body scanner, travelers may elect to simply describe their nipples in detail.

No wheelchairs.

Flotation devices injected directly into lips

Free family separation for international travelers

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