40,000

Truth Social profile pictures taken by sign

0

Applicants deemed unqualified for guard job

32

Times Stephen Miller has typed the name of the facility into Pornhub

7

Average age of detainee

100,000 V

Voltage of facility’s electric toilets

23

Times bloodthirsty ICE agents cheered an alligator on only to realize it was just a log

3

Average outfit changes per Kristi Noem photo op

40%

Reduction in activity of empathy-controlling orbitofrontal cortex necessary to stomach job as guard

2028

The year Democrats will claim they can’t shut it down

The post Alligator Alcatraz By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

The post Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician appeared first on The Onion.

The post Sloan Wyckoff and Rowan Bishop appeared first on The Onion.

The post Dana White Can’t Believe Rabbits Still Getting Beneath Octagon Fence appeared first on The Onion.

The post Dad Calling    Just To Say He Loves King Crimson appeared first on The Onion.

Reference #49308

The post Crenellated Aesthetic appeared first on The Onion.

The post Betty Greenberg and Stephen Harold appeared first on The Onion.

The post Sarah Carney appeared first on The Onion.

The post Divorce Rumors Swirl After Hailey Bieber Spotted With Justin’s Severed Head appeared first on The Onion.

Let that be a warnin’ to all outsiders—you break the law in these parts, you’d best be ready to pay for what you’ve done through a correctional training method that benefits victims, offenders, ’n the community at large.

Out here, we prefer settlin’ disputes the old-fashioned way, by addressin’ the harmful impact of a crime head-on, then determinin’ what can be done to repair that harm while holdin’ the person who caused it accountable for their actions. Lemme tell ya, we don’t take kindly to strangers whose idea of restitution relies solely on dehumanizin’ punishment.

Mark my words, one wrong step in this town’ll land you in a whole heap of social services.

Hell, I’m fixin’ to roll up my sleeves ’n teach you a thing or two about harm reduction myself, but I’m thinkin’ you ain’t worth the trouble. How ’bout we let this here pamphlet outlinin’ three years’ worth of statistics on recidivism rates among local offenders do the talkin’? But I’d better warn ya—unlike the sheriff, I ain’t bound by the law when it comes to providin’ delinquent individuals the help they need to become productive members of society.

Think I’m bluffin’? Why don’t you ask the last guy who tried to argue that crime is a violation of the law and the state, rather’n a violation of people and relationships.

I tell you, we marched him right to the town library with pitchforks and torches. Then we handed him a shovel and made him dig his own plot in the community garden, givin’ him access to fresh produce and plenty of physical activity, all while learnin’ him an invaluable set of skills he’d never get from that there carceral state.

There’ll be no disenfranchisin’ of marginalized populations on my watch.

You see, me and the boys get a whole lot of pleasure out of educatin’ anyone who so much as looks at us funny. Big Earl here’s got a masters in sociology from Vanderbilt, and nothin’ makes Big Earl madder’n generational cycles of systemic violence.

If you don’t wanna end up in a free computer literacy class at the community center we built with funds diverted from the bloated po-lice budget, then I reckon you best be on your way.

Go on, git. Hightail it back to whatever shame-based legal system you wandered in from.

And don’t come back unless you’re lookin’ to join a weekly discussion group on The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander. You sure don’t want to be caught here after sundown without havin’ read the chapter on the devastating impact America’s war on drugs had on inner city neighborhoods, y’hear?

The post Not Sure How They Deal With Criminals In Your Town, But ’Round Here We Use A Restorative Justice Process appeared first on The Onion.

The post Friend Being Cagey About What She’s Going To Order appeared first on The Onion.

During a White House press conference, Kennedy explained that he had decided to dismiss piss czar Travis Spragg over concerns that the Biden appointee “could not be trusted” to offer Americans sound piss guidance. Despite Spragg’s stature as a top HHS official whose work on piss-related affairs has garnered respect from both parties, the secretary insisted that a lack of “urinary integrity” made Spragg unfit to serve as piss czar any longer.

“Americans deserve better than a piss czar who colludes with powerful interests behind stall doors to keep our bladders unhealthy and weak,” Kennedy said in his forceful remarks, accusing Spragg of blindly parroting mainstream piss orthodoxy. “He has repeatedly enforced harmful regulations that have stifled research into the potential benefits of piss retention and applying piss to wounds.”

“It’s time to do away with the red tape strangling our urethras and make piss healthy again,” Kennedy added before toasting the announcement with a glass of murky, amber liquid.

During his confirmation hearing, Kennedy pledged to Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) that he would not change existing piss guidelines, and he ultimately secured the pro-hydration Republican’s support. But with the termination of the piss czar—traditionally a 10-year, nonpolitical appointment—many urologists and nephrologists now fear the HHS chief intends to empower voices who share his skepticism toward science-based pissing.

“America has always been number one in urination, and now some dilettante who doesn’t know his ureters from his urethra wants to undo decades of progress,” said Harvard University piss researcher Edwin Talbot, expressing concerns that a hostile piss czar could make it much more difficult for the U.S. populace to maintain its piss health. “Kennedy has boosted pseudoscientific practices like bladder-sunning, and he has falsely linked shaking out the last drops to early death. Just last month he erroneously claimed on a podcast that women piss through the vagina. Mark my words, our health secretary is about to send American micturition back into the Dark Ages.”

He added, “When I imagine pissing under an RFK Jr.–appointed piss czar, it sends a shiver down my penis.”

While Spragg’s ouster as piss czar has triggered alarm bells in the medical community, it aligns with a growing movement of piss conspiracism amongst the American public.

In a nationwide poll conducted by the Pew Research Center, 73% of U.S. residents said they distrusted government guidelines on pissing, while 66% said they believed pissing was less effective at relieving bladders than fresh air and exercise. Half of those surveyed claimed that bathrooms were used to track Americans’ physical whereabouts, and 42% expressed belief that porcelain—a vitrified ceramic used in many toilets—was associated with heart attacks, declining sperm counts, and the prevalence of mass shootings.

“The government shouldn’t have any say in what I expel from my body or how,” said Iowa resident Alice Haines, who added that having voided her bladder at her desk in defiance of federal guidelines had led to her dismissal from a job with the National Park Service. “I’d rather piss all over myself the way humans have for thousands of years than risk sitting my body on some dangerous toilet I don’t even understand.”

“Frankly, I hope Kennedy doesn’t stop with firing the piss czar,” Haines went on, defiantly stomping her foot with a wet squishing sound. “I hope he closes every state-run bathroom, outhouse, and port-a-potty until piss in this country finally gets back on the right track.”

The post RFK Jr. Fires Piss Czar appeared first on The Onion.