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“Finally, art that I understand.”

Robert Halvarson, Groundhog Displacer

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“My kid could make that.”

Sonya Jung, Cupcake Critic

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“The ‘it’s gross to cum in a sheep’s appendix’ crowd owes me a big apology.”

Harold Poe, Fabric Historian

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In the three-minute video address, which was broadcast suddenly to millions of screens across the planet, Ludlum dared world leaders to question his resolve and stood before a massive electrically charged array that he referred to as the Universal Engorgement Generator. Sources confirmed that as energy crackled through the minimalist, pastel-
colored laboratory in the recording, Ludlum insisted that only if his demands were met could the planet avoid the mass chaos that would ensue if the genitals of countless men were to grow harder than anyone could ever imagine.

“Citizens of Earth, we at Hims have long served as overseers of your sexual health, and today we come with a simple request: $10 trillion by midnight, or we will trigger every last one of your erections,” Joseph Ludlum said in the video, letting out a high-pitched laugh as he marveled at how easy wresting control of the world’s phalluses had been. “For years, you fools have sat idly by, enjoying discreet shipping to your door and chomping down on our Hard Mints like so much candy. Did you ever think to question what all the low prices were for? Did you not realize your lifeless members were slowly becoming marionettes in thrall to my every order?”

“Picture it, if you will: millions and millions of once-limp penises, all growing stiff in an instant with the same active ingredients used in Cialis and Viagra,” Ludlum continued.

Authorities have treated as credible claims that the extensive Hims telehealth network—which gives the company access to billions of erections—could be utilized to create widespread havoc through sudden engorgement, blue balls, and even premature ejaculations. However, officials urged citizens to stay calm and refrain from tampering with their genitalia, stressing that any misstep on their part could immediately set off every erection in a 10-mile radius.

Even as all 193 U.N. member states refused to capitulate to what they called the “ravings of a madman,” the Hims website reportedly updated with a countdown clock and a new “Frequently Asked Questions For Hapless Nitwits” section, which included such entries as “Myths of ED: If you cross the Hims corporation, will your penis inflate so much that it blows up?” “What happens if I already have an erection when the engorgement beam strikes me?” and “If Hims can make me hard whenever they want, can they also make me soft again, and then hard and then soft, so that my member is forever prancing to their mad tune like a dancer to a piper’s song?”

Reports confirmed that each passing minute since the broadcast has brought mounting terror among untold numbers of men who have grown paralyzed with fear at the prospect of losing control of their own genitals, which could become distended with blood and potentially never go flaccid again—a scenario that the Hims executive described in a taunting follow-up warning.

“Can your puny governments not comprehend the consequences of such mass penis-hardening?” Ludlum said in a second video. “Mayhem in the street. Cars driving off roads. Entire city blocks left in ruin. Do you fools dare defy our warnings? Well, then, perhaps a little taste of our stiffening power will show you how serious we truly are.”

“Now, come, my soft little pretties, and rise up for your master’s commands!” he added, throwing a switch that began crackling with electricity as it sent a wave of engorgement through the atmosphere of the Northeastern United States.

With widespread disorder spreading across the region, officials in New York and Boston confirmed boardrooms descended into panicked chaos, planes stalled on runways, and men stared at their penises while screaming in response to the sudden unimaginable rigidity entering their loins. The Centers for Disease Control confirmed that over 12,000 residents were hospitalized with erections that lasted longer than four hours.

The Hims CEO later issued a press release that simply read, “Tick-tock, tick-tock, dear friends,” before signing off as “the Puppetmaster of Phalluses.”

“Now, you fools, midnight fast approaches, and I will turn my device to full blast, demonstrating the true power of my—of my—oh no, I’m…I’m…gahh!” an out-of-breath Ludlum said in his final dispatch, moments after the machine misfired and blasted him with its engorgement beam, causing the CEO to fall to his knees in a gasp of defeat. “Curses! Someone must have meddled with the Premature Ejacu-Ray setting. Hold on. No, it’s fine. Just leave me alone. It’s just… I said it’s fine! Don’t touch me. I just don’t like to be touched afterwards.”

“You haven’t seen the last of me!” he added. “But for now I must go rest and regain my strength.”

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MYTH: STI tests are inconvenient.

FACT: The clinic will mail your penis back within three to five business days.

MYTH: Gonorrhea and chlamydia cancel each other out.

FACT: Gonorrhea beats syphilis, syphilis beats HPV, and HPV beats gonorrhea.

MYTH: STIs can’t be transmitted through oral sex.

FACT: Nice try. 

MYTH: It’s risky to have multiple sexual partners without getting tested.

FACT: The real danger is falling in love. 

MYTH: Having sex in hot tubs kills STIs.

FACT: We get it, you have a hot tub. 

MYTH: You should inform any sexual partners if you test positive for an STI.

FACT: Don’t just talk about yourself—ask them how they’re doing, too.

MYTH: Once you get an STI, you’re stuck with it forever.

FACT: Eventually you will die.

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