Family Archives - The Onion

Mom Impressed By Tattooed Person’s Manners

The Onion Staff — Tue, 02 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

HILLIARD, OH—Reluctantly admitting to the table that she might have been too quick to judge, local mother Janet Greenbaum told family members Thursday that she was actually quite impressed by the manners of their tattooed restaurant server. “When she first came over to give us our menus, I thought she was in some kind of biker gang, but she turned out to be really polite,” said the 63-year-old mother of two, who remarked that the North Side Grill waitress seemed very smart and well-spoken despite having ruined her “cute little arms” with body art that resembled a “half lady, half skull thing” and a “devil-looking guy.” “Between the tattoos, that haircut, and all those hideous piercings, she looks pretty scary, but underneath, she’s sweet as can be. I’m starting to think she’s never even been to prison!” Greenbaum added that she was also impressed to see a wedding ring on the woman’s finger, although she shuddered to think what kind of man “would marry such a thing.”

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Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House

The Onion Staff — Fri, 28 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

WICHITA, KS—Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can’t trust herself to keep raisins in the house. “I used to keep a canister up in a high cabinet that I couldn’t reach without hurting myself, but I’ve decided it’s more responsible to remove them from my home entirely,” said Donovan, adding that she now only allows herself to enjoy raisins at restaurants. “Dried grapes? Don’t let me near them! Oh my goodness, I used to polish off an entire 130-calorie serving in one sitting. Not only are raisins overly decadent, but those natural sugars will have me bouncing off the walls. The last time I had raisins, I was up until 7 p.m. talking my friend Eileen’s ear off about the new James Patterson novel on the telephone. It would be nice to have them in the house as a treat for the grandkids, but this is for the best. Who has the willpower to resist raisins?” At press time, Donovan was indulging herself in an afternoon of hedonistic debauchery after discovering an old package of prunes in the refrigerator.

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Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives

The Onion Staff — Thu, 27 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

KNOXVILLE, TN—In a development her family began referring to as a “stroke of luck,” local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to Thanksgiving dinner with her girlfriend. “Oh, thank God—problem solved, everybody,” said Frank Martin, grandson of the deceased, who reportedly breathed a sigh of relief along with his cousins, aunts, uncles, and parents after a morning spent imagining the various horrified reactions the family matriarch might have when his sister and her same-sex, live-in partner walked through the door. “That was going to be stressful, so now it feels like a gigantic weight has been lifted. We honestly couldn’t have asked for better timing. Grandma had just finished making her famous stuffing, which we still get to eat. And my sister was delayed by traffic, so no one has to try to explain what bisexuality is to a Catholic octogenarian. Win-win for everybody, really.” Martin went on to call his grandmother’s passing a “Thanksgiving miracle” after seeing that his sister had also shaved the side of her head.

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Cousins Form Pact To Get Laid By End Of Thanksgiving

The Onion Staff — Thu, 27 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

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America Celebrates Thanksgiving

The Onion Staff — Thu, 27 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Across the nation, Americans are gathering with loved ones to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?

“No one knows it was me yet.”
Finn Hanson, Cheese Colorist

“I’m grateful that my family has each other, so I can mostly check out.”
Sam Chen, Corkscrew Supplier

“The wheel’s an underrated classic. I use wheels all the time.”
Margot Lewin, Asbestos Expert

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Dad Calling Just To Say He Loves King Crimson

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

BROCKTON, MA—Acknowledging that he doesn’t get the chance to say it that often, but emphasizing that it doesn’t make it any less true, the father of local resident Eric Flores reportedly called him Thursday night just to say he loves King Crimson. “Hey, champ, I wanted to drop you a line to tell you that I love King Crimson—always have, always will,” said James Flores, 71, adding that while he has sometimes been hard on the legendary progressive rock band, particularly during their Double Trio period and the release of their Thrakattak live album, he loves King Crimson with all his heart and is proud of the man Robert Fripp has become. “I sometimes can’t believe how many years have passed since King Crimson entered my life. But from the moment I first saw them [live at the Orpheum Theatre on the Three of a Perfect Pair tour], they became the center of my universe. I just love King Crimson so, so much. And Gentle Giant too, of course.” When reached for further comment, the elder Flores’ voice was inaudible over the opening strains of “One More Red Nightmare.”

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Sister Insanely Letting 98-Year-Old Grandma Hold Newborn

The Onion Staff — Wed, 12 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

GUILFORD, CT—Watching in horror as he silently calculated whether he would be able to dive and catch the dropped infant before its body hit the floor, local man Ken Esposito told reporters Wednesday that his sister was insanely letting their 98-year-old grandma hold her newborn. “Are you sure Grandma can support the baby’s head with her arthritic hands?” said Esposito, looking around nervously to see if any of his cousins were also concerned by the idea of handing a vulnerable infant over to an extremely frail woman who had long since lost any grasp on reality. “Come on, the baby is, like, 9 pounds, and Grandma doesn’t have any grip strength. I mean, Jesus Christ, she can’t even hold up a ladle anymore! Why would you even want a picture of this? Grandma is not looking good. This could go sideways real quick.” At press time, the tense situation had reportedly been defused when the grandmother was given a doll to hold instead, which she instantly believed was the real thing.

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Grandma Recalls Wild Teenage Year Before She Met Grandpa

The Onion Staff — Tue, 04 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

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Arch Manning Running Out Of Polite Ways To Decline Eli’s Mentorship

The Onion Staff — Tue, 28 Oct 2025 22:52:55 +0000

AUSTIN, TX—Noting that he’d already claimed to be sick, at a dentist appointment, and tied up with an unexpected 9 p.m. football practice, University of Texas quarterback Arch Manning confirmed Tuesday that he was quickly running out of polite, semi-plausible excuses to avoid mentorship from his uncle Eli. “He means well, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I really don’t need him FaceTiming me every day and saying stuff like, ‘A Super Bowl winner I sense in you, young padawan,’” said Manning, adding that while he respects his uncle’s experience as a player, he’s not exactly champing at the bit to have a 44-year-old teach him “how to chop it and spin it like Chad Powers.” “It’s just kind of embarrassing, you know? Last time he came to one of my games, he kept fist-bumping my teammates and saying he was there to help me unlock my ‘Manning DNA.’ I had to fake a hamstring injury because he kept trying to run me through footwork drills. I can’t keep doing this.” At press time, Manning was reportedly hiding out in the training room after Eli showed up unannounced with a stack of old Giants playbooks for “a little impromptu QB clinic.”

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37-Year-Old Still On Parents’ Verizon Plan Saves Credibility By Clarifying He Pays Them $50 A Month

The Onion Staff — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

SAN DIEGO—Pausing mid-conversation to shore up any doubts regarding his ability to shoulder adult responsibilities, full-grown 37-year-old man Justin Landry reportedly defended his credibility Friday by clarifying that he paid his parents $50 a month for his portion of their Verizon phone plan. “No, no, no—it would be crazy if I let them pay it in full,” said Landry, explaining that despite using a phone his parents helped him buy at the age of 35, he had always Venmoed them immediately at the beginning of every billing cycle. “I wanted to quit and get my own plan, actually, but that would be too much of a hassle for my parents at this point. Plus, it’s a family plan, so it’s cheaper for all of us. Really I’m doing them a favor this way.” At press time, Landry was reportedly sending his mom an extra $10 after receiving a text from her informing him that he had gone over his data limit again.

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Parents Feuding With At Least One Aunt At All Times

The Onion Staff — Wed, 22 Oct 2025 17:51:46 +0000

CHICOPEE, MA—Saying that she couldn’t recall a time of familial peace since the early ’90s, area woman Melissa Maynard confirmed Wednesday that her parents were actively feuding with at least one aunt at all times. “If they’re not fighting with Aunt Linda, then they’re definitely badmouthing Aunt Michelle,” said Maynard, explaining that the most recent dispute began when Aunt Michelle refused to chip in for the shrimp cocktail appetizer ordered for a family gathering at a restaurant. “But before this, my parents didn’t talk to Aunt Linda for a whole year because they were mad that she inherited my grandfather’s snowblower instead of Mom. And now all of a sudden they’re taking a vacation to visit her in Cincinnati like nothing ever happened. I bet that as soon as they patch things up with Aunt Michelle, they’ll reignite the long-standing argument they’ve been having with Aunt Susan ever since she declined to invite them to her small wedding in 1995.” At press time, Maynard announced that her parents were feuding with all three aunts simultaneously.

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Dad Shushes Family While Focused On Jumbotron Hat Shuffle

The Onion Staff — Thu, 16 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Narrowing his eyes and raising a single finger to silence those around him, local dad Mark Fahlen reportedly shushed his entire family Thursday evening while focusing intently on the jumbotron hat shuffle at Dodger Stadium. “Shut up, shut up, I need to lock in on this,” said Fahlen, snapping at his wife and two children as he stared unblinkingly at the animated hats rapidly switching positions on the screen and tried to keep track of which cap had the ball underneath. “No one talk, I gotta win this. It’s under the left hat—wait, no, middle hat. Back to left hat. Fuck, almost lost it. Everyone please shut up till this is done.” According to witnesses, Fahlen later pumped his fist in triumph and claimed to have correctly chosen the left hat, despite having shouted “Right!” just before the ball was revealed.

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