Vol 61: Issue 48 Archives - The Onion

Thai Woman Found Alive In Coffin Moments Before Cremation

The Onion Staff — Fri, 28 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

After someone heard her knocking, a Thai woman was discovered alive inside her coffin, just narrowly avoiding cremation. What do you think?

“I couldn’t imagine having that kind of will to live.”
Shelby Fournier, Frog Hydrator

“Maybe prying open random coffin lids isn’t such a waste of time.”
Hubert Roers, Yogurt Stirrer

“At that point I’d just burn alive to avoid causing a scene.”
Roger Dallum, Artifact Gatherer

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Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House

The Onion Staff — Fri, 28 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

WICHITA, KS—Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can’t trust herself to keep raisins in the house. “I used to keep a canister up in a high cabinet that I couldn’t reach without hurting myself, but I’ve decided it’s more responsible to remove them from my home entirely,” said Donovan, adding that she now only allows herself to enjoy raisins at restaurants. “Dried grapes? Don’t let me near them! Oh my goodness, I used to polish off an entire 130-calorie serving in one sitting. Not only are raisins overly decadent, but those natural sugars will have me bouncing off the walls. The last time I had raisins, I was up until 7 p.m. talking my friend Eileen’s ear off about the new James Patterson novel on the telephone. It would be nice to have them in the house as a treat for the grandkids, but this is for the best. Who has the willpower to resist raisins?” At press time, Donovan was indulging herself in an afternoon of hedonistic debauchery after discovering an old package of prunes in the refrigerator.

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Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out

The Onion Staff — Fri, 28 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

PASADENA, CA—Dispelling numerous widespread beliefs about the role the celestial body plays in life on Earth, astronomers at the California Institute of Technology published a paper in the Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences Friday that found the moon serves no purpose but to alert raccoons that it’s safe to come out. “While it’s a common myth that the moon controls tides, our findings show it’s nothing more than a signal for raccoons to come out and eat trash,” said lead researcher Hannah Peng, noting that the moon’s symbiotic relationship with raccoons has aided in helping them see their food as well as avoid predators ever since the creatures started consuming human refuse around 15,000 years ago. “After analyzing countless fossil records, we have strong evidence the moon didn’t even exist before raccoons split off from ancient procyonidae ancestors. The moon protects raccoons, and in return, raccoons provide the moon with endless hours of entertainment. This is also the reason why you never see raccoons in the daytime.” Peng added that while the moon’s relationship to raccoons was conclusive, further research would be needed on the moon’s role in stabilizing the Earth’s axial tilt so that raccoons could have a regular breeding season.

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America Celebrates Thanksgiving

The Onion Staff — Thu, 27 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Across the nation, Americans are gathering with loved ones to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?

“No one knows it was me yet.”
Finn Hanson, Cheese Colorist

“I’m grateful that my family has each other, so I can mostly check out.”
Sam Chen, Corkscrew Supplier

“The wheel’s an underrated classic. I use wheels all the time.”
Margot Lewin, Asbestos Expert

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Cousins Form Pact To Get Laid By End Of Thanksgiving

The Onion Staff — Thu, 27 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

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Sweet Potato Dish Stopped Being Healthy 5 Ingredients Ago

The Onion Staff — Thu, 27 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

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Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives

The Onion Staff — Thu, 27 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

KNOXVILLE, TN—In a development her family began referring to as a “stroke of luck,” local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to Thanksgiving dinner with her girlfriend. “Oh, thank God—problem solved, everybody,” said Frank Martin, grandson of the deceased, who reportedly breathed a sigh of relief along with his cousins, aunts, uncles, and parents after a morning spent imagining the various horrified reactions the family matriarch might have when his sister and her same-sex, live-in partner walked through the door. “That was going to be stressful, so now it feels like a gigantic weight has been lifted. We honestly couldn’t have asked for better timing. Grandma had just finished making her famous stuffing, which we still get to eat. And my sister was delayed by traffic, so no one has to try to explain what bisexuality is to a Catholic octogenarian. Win-win for everybody, really.” Martin went on to call his grandmother’s passing a “Thanksgiving miracle” after seeing that his sister had also shaved the side of her head.

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Medical Student Practices Fat Shaming On Cadaver

The Onion Staff — Wed, 26 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to get hands-on experience stigmatizing patients’ bodies in a safe environment, Indiana University medical student Dylan Loera confirmed Wednesday that she was practicing fat shaming on a cadaver. “At first it felt strange, but the opportunity to practice saying, ‘Have you tried losing a few pounds?’ in the flesh is so different than just shaking your head at a picture in a textbook,” said the first-year student, adding that she felt humbled by the generosity of the deceased individual who donated their body so she could roll her eyes a few times and poke their stomach folds with an audible “oof.” “After so many hours sitting in lectures, it was nice to finally put on my scrubs and reduce a patients’ value as a human being by criticizing their weight. It almost feels like I’m right there in an actual medical practice, dismissing a fat patient’s every concern while suppressing my laughter.” Loera reportedly received a perfect score on her examination after informing a cadaver with cancer symptoms that there was nothing she could do for them if they weren’t willing to help themselves.

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White House Touts Affordability Of Hay-Based Thanksgiving Dishes

The Onion Staff — Wed, 26 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Responding to concerns about high grocery prices ahead of the holiday, President Donald Trump held a press conference Wednesday to tout the affordability of hay-based Thanksgiving dishes. “I’m doing a great job on the economy and bringing the price of Thanksgiving dinners way down by encouraging Americans to replace costly ingredients with straw,” said Trump, adding that the low-cost, grass-based livestock feed could be shaped into the form of a roasted bird or baked into casseroles and pies. “Thanksgiving meal prices are down 33% compared to what they were under Biden, and now you can stay full by chewing on the hay for hours and hours. Americans consuming dried grass out of necessity is just another sign that the United States has the strongest economy in the history of the world—horses eat this stuff, and look how strong those guys are. I promised to lower cud prices for Americans, and by God have I delivered. Bet you can’t eat just one bail!” Trump then asked Vice President JD Vance to show Americans that hay was delicious by eating some off the floor for the camera.

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Astronaut Hates Long Nightly Spacewalk To ISS Outhouse

The Onion Staff — Wed, 26 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Saying the dreaded nightly ritual had quickly become his least favorite part of his mission, astronaut Dave Barron told reporters Wednesday that he absolutely hated the long, freezing spacewalk required to reach the International Space Station’s outhouse. “God, it’s such a pain. You have to put on the whole suit, depressurize, and then spend 25 minutes trudging through the dark, near-absolute-zero void just to take a piss,” said Barron, adding that if, God forbid, he forgot to bring toilet paper, he had to spacewalk all the way back to the orbital station. “And once you get to the outhouse, it’s even worse. There’s always human waste floating around and just an old copy of Popular Mechanics to read. They only gave the ISS one john for all seven of us, and the whole place reeks because they only send up maintenance from Earth every few months. You can’t wash your hands in there, either—they just have a Purell dispenser that’s always empty. I’m telling you, if it’s the middle of the night, I’ll just hold it until morning, ’cause there’s no fucking way I’m heading out there to be pelted with micrometeorites if I have to wake up in a few hours.” Barron went on to complain about the ISS’s outdoor shower, which he described as “way too cold.”

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ShamWow Guy Running For Congress

The Onion Staff — Wed, 26 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Vince Offer, the once-prominent infomercial pitchman better known as the “ShamWow guy,” has filed to run as a Republican in Texas’s 31st congressional district, claiming he wants to “destroy wokeism” in Congress and “make America happy.” What do you think?

“How absorbent are his opponent’s towels?”
Mario Lobo, Replica Appraiser

“He’ll poll well with the sizable bloc of voters who are overwhelmed by spills.”
Penny Norfolk, Doll Clothier

“Anyone with a proven track record of battering women has my vote.”
Troy Powell, Cellophane Expert

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Study: Average 19th-Century American Spent 93% Of Time Waving At Trains, Boats

The Onion Staff — Tue, 25 Nov 2025 16:25:00 +0000

PROVIDENCE, RI—Shedding new light on the everyday life of citizens during the Industrial Revolution, historians at Brown University concluded in a study published Tuesday that the average 19th-century American spent roughly 93% of their waking hours waving at trains and boats. “Journal entries from the period show that most citizens spent their days stationed at docks and rail platforms shouting things like ‘Do write when you get to Siam!’ to anyone who happened to be leaving,” said lead author Casey Hogan, adding that in early daguerreotype photographs, Americans are often seen with one abnormally muscular arm from years of constantly greeting or bidding farewell. “The primary reason medical breakthroughs, sanitation, and improvements in standard of living were delayed in their development is that all of the nation’s top minds spent nearly 15 hours a day sprinting toward steamboats to yell things like ‘Bon voyage!’ and ‘Good welcome, inspector!’ Most people today don’t realize how grueling life could be for the average person of this period. Americans would rise before dawn to see off departing loved ones, chase steam locomotives down the tracks until they collapsed, and then immediately hurry back to the docks to cheerfully greet a returning transatlantic vessel by shouting something like ‘Hurrah! Safe harbor at last!’” Hogan noted that it’s difficult to overstate just how much the 1800s were a period of great change, as only a few decades earlier, most Americans had been accustomed to spending the majority of their time weeping into Mama’s bosom as their sweetheart rode away on horseback.

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