Politics Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/politics/ America’s Finest News Source Mon, 08 Dec 2025 17:15:03 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9 https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/cropped-site-icon.png?w=32 Politics Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/politics/ 32 32 234789167 Fact-Checking Trump On Affordability https://theonion.com/fact-checking-trump-on-affordability/ Mon, 08 Dec 2025 17:15:02 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851694594 President Trump continues to make misleading statements about affordability despite the Consumer Price Index indicating an increase in costs for many goods and services. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president’s claims. Claim: The cost of living is low. True: The cost of living is much lower than what it will be in a […]

The post Fact-Checking Trump On Affordability appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
President Trump continues to make misleading statements about affordability despite the Consumer Price Index indicating an increase in costs for many goods and services. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president’s claims.

Claim: The cost of living is low.

True: The cost of living is much lower than what it will be in a few months.

Claim: Trump has brought prices down.

False: We’re pretty sure he means the value of the U.S. dollar.

Claim: Trumponomics is the solution to runaway inflation.

False: Trumponomics is a 1996 CD-ROM game published by Maxis.

Claim: Affordability is a hoax perpetrated by Democrats.

False: Democrats would never run on a salient issue.

Claim: The price of Kellogg’s Stranger Things Demogorgon Crunch cereal has never been lower.

False: Kellogg’s Stranger Things Demogorgon Crunch cereal only cost a nickel in 1901.

Claim: It costs less to feed a family now than this time last year.

True: Remember, one of your kids died of measles.

Claim: The Trump economy has ushered in unprecedented prosperity for everyday Americans.

True: The White House’s economic agenda has been a boon for mom-and-pop hedge funds.

Claim: At Taco Bell, you can add sour cream to the regular bean burrito and it tastes basically the same as the Burrito Supreme.

True: It’s missing some other premium ingredients, but all you’re tasting is the cream anyway.

The post Fact-Checking Trump On Affordability appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
1851694594
JD Vance Reminded To Use White House Service Entrance https://theonion.com/jd-vance-reminded-to-use-white-house-service-entrance/ Mon, 08 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851694581 WASHINGTON—During a confrontation in which it was firmly reiterated that the front entrance was for approved personnel only, Vice President JD Vance was once again reminded by White House security to use the service door, sources confirmed Tuesday.  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there. You know the rule. You’ll need to use the service entrance […]

The post JD Vance Reminded To Use White House Service Entrance appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
WASHINGTON—During a confrontation in which it was firmly reiterated that the front entrance was for approved personnel only, Vice President JD Vance was once again reminded by White House security to use the service door, sources confirmed Tuesday.  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there. You know the rule. You’ll need to use the service entrance ’round back unless you have special permission,” said Marine Cpl. Nic Afton, a West Wing guard who stepped in the path of the vice president and Hillbilly Elegy author to sternly repeat the policy that forbids low-level staff from entering the premises through such a prominent, public-facing entryway. “You can’t just use any door you want, Mr. Vice President. You’ve been told several times this entrance isn’t for you. I’m gonna need you to go toward the back, take a left by the garbage cans, and use that door. You know the one.” Upon reaching the service entrance, Vice President Vance was reportedly stopped yet again and asked for identification by the head of White House maintenance.

The post JD Vance Reminded To Use White House Service Entrance appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
1851694581
Pete Hegseth Invokes ‘Fog Of War’ After Pissing In Break Room Refrigerator https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-invokes-fog-of-war-after-pissing-in-break-room-refrigerator/ Fri, 05 Dec 2025 16:10:27 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851694499 ARLINGTON, VA—Describing the incident as a split-second operational judgment made under rapidly evolving conditions, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth invoked the “fog of war” Thursday to explain why he urinated inside a Pentagon break room refrigerator. “In the heat of the moment, you’ve got to make a decision, and sometimes that decision is imperfect,” said Hegseth, […]

The post Pete Hegseth Invokes ‘Fog Of War’ After Pissing In Break Room Refrigerator appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
ARLINGTON, VA—Describing the incident as a split-second operational judgment made under rapidly evolving conditions, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth invoked the “fog of war” Thursday to explain why he urinated inside a Pentagon break room refrigerator. “In the heat of the moment, you’ve got to make a decision, and sometimes that decision is imperfect,” said Hegseth, arguing that under the intense pressure of warfare it can be nearly impossible to distinguish between a porcelain urinal and a white refrigerator. “Civilians can never understand what it’s like to be in the thick of it. On the ground, you don’t have time to dilly-dally. You just unzip and go. When you’re back home, it’s easy to have all these high-minded ideals about the ‘rules’ of combat, but the truth is, when you find yourself totally blasted and face-to-face with a brightly lit shelf of individually wrapped string cheeses, you don’t have the luxury of calculating whether there’s time to run to the bathroom or even open a window. Throw around terms like ‘war criminal’ or ‘coworker’s insulin-ruiner’ all you want, but I acted with significant restraint by urinating in the vegetable crisper when, by all accounts, I would have been totally justified in fully dousing every inch of the fridge in my piss.” Asked for comment, President Donald Trump defended Hegseth’s actions and appeared to imply that the Pentagon custodian who filed the initial complaint should be investigated for treason.

The post Pete Hegseth Invokes ‘Fog Of War’ After Pissing In Break Room Refrigerator appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
1851694499
Kristi Noem Places Pushpin In Bespoke Map Of Every Place She’s Deported Someone To https://theonion.com/kristi-noem-places-pushpin-in-bespoke-map-of-every-place-shes-deported-someone-to/ Thu, 04 Dec 2025 18:23:40 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851694493 The post Kristi Noem Places Pushpin In Bespoke Map Of Every Place She’s Deported Someone To appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
The post Kristi Noem Places Pushpin In Bespoke Map Of Every Place She’s Deported Someone To appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
1851694493
Hakeem Jeffries Calls For Execution Of Central Park Five https://theonion.com/hakeem-jeffries-calls-for-execution-of-central-park-five/ Thu, 04 Dec 2025 18:20:01 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851694490 The post Hakeem Jeffries Calls For Execution Of Central Park Five appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
The post Hakeem Jeffries Calls For Execution Of Central Park Five appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
1851694490
Trump Appears To Doze During Stroke https://theonion.com/trump-appears-to-doze-during-stroke/ Wed, 03 Dec 2025 21:59:56 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851694441 The post Trump Appears To Doze During Stroke appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
The post Trump Appears To Doze During Stroke appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
1851694441
FDA Approves New Drug  That Reverses Effects Of Narcan https://theonion.com/fda-approves-new-drug-that-reverses-effects-of-narcan/ Wed, 03 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851693795 SILVER SPRING, MD—Praising the drug’s ability to quickly and effectively increase fatalities amongst the nation’s opioid users, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new nasal spray Wednesday capable of reversing the effects of Narcan. The compound, called noroxone, was reportedly approved by the FDA as part of a broader effort to combat a […]

The post FDA Approves New Drug  That Reverses Effects Of Narcan appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
SILVER SPRING, MD—Praising the drug’s ability to quickly and effectively increase fatalities amongst the nation’s opioid users, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new nasal spray Wednesday capable of reversing the effects of Narcan.

The compound, called noroxone, was reportedly approved by the FDA as part of a broader effort to combat a surge in Narcan usage by vulnerable individuals who would have otherwise died. According to the manufacturer, the powerful opioid anti-antagonist is extremely fast-acting, and can re-depress the central nervous system and restore an overdose in just two to three minutes.

“Narcan use in this country is a major public health concern for Americans, who are often left watching helplessly as friends and loved ones succumb to the resuscitating effects of emergency care,” said FDA Commissioner Martin A. Makary, who called the drug an essential intervention in the global fight against harm reduction. “Once sprayed into the nostril, noroxone works quickly to free up opioid receptors in the brain, allowing compounds like heroin, fentanyl, oxycodone, hydrocodone, codeine, and morphine to reattach and fatally interrupt respiration.” 

Noroxone, soon to be available both over-the-counter and as a prescription, was developed in response to what is widely known as the “Narcan crisis,” a nationwide epidemic that began in 2016 and has tragically saved hundreds of thousands of lives each year. Health officials praised the FDA’s emergency authorization, which marks the first time an overdose reversal-reversal spray has been deemed effective and lethal enough to warrant widespread distribution. 

Advocates who work in the healthcare field and have seen the new drug’s high mortality rates firsthand have said the emergency medicine inhibitor should be a standard item included in first-aid kits, as readily available as defibrillators and fire extinguishers in public spaces like hotels, libraries, and schools.

“Everyone should keep noroxone on hand in case they encounter someone at risk of being saved from a drug overdose or getting the help they need,” said Aaron Lorenz, a Narcan prevention specialist in New Hampshire who teaches community members how to confidently intervene when a drug user appears to be regaining consciousness. “Even if a person is sitting up straight, totally responsive to stimuli like shaking and shouting, or even breathing normally—it’s not too late.” 

Added Lorenz, “With noroxone, anyone can end a life.”

The post FDA Approves New Drug  That Reverses Effects Of Narcan appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
1851693795
Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers https://theonion.com/trump-announces-5000-increase-in-all-numbers/ Tue, 02 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851693785 WASHINGTON—Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was mandating a 5,000% increase in all numbers nationwide. “Effective immediately, 100 will now be 5,100 and—I’m reading off the official statistics from my people—500 will be 25,500,” said Trump, speaking from the Oval Office […]

The post Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
WASHINGTON—Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was mandating a 5,000% increase in all numbers nationwide. “Effective immediately, 100 will now be 5,100 and—I’m reading off the official statistics from my people—500 will be 25,500,” said Trump, speaking from the Oval Office as he told reporters the move would shift decimals “many places” to the right for wages, stock prices, job numbers, gross domestic product, and other vital economic indicators. “Say your net worth is about $20,000. In that case, you’re now a millionaire. And we don’t have to worry about fertility anymore, because this country now has about 17 billion people. These are really tremendous increases that should have gone into effect years ago.” Trump added that if the executive order was as successful as he expected it to be, he might soon shift to increasing some letters.

The post Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
1851693785
Pete Hegseth Wakes Up At 3 P.M. With Dozen Missed Calls From The Hague https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-wakes-up-at-3-p-m-with-dozen-missed-calls-from-the-hague/ Mon, 01 Dec 2025 22:44:21 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851693950 The post Pete Hegseth Wakes Up At 3 P.M. With Dozen Missed Calls From The Hague appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
The post Pete Hegseth Wakes Up At 3 P.M. With Dozen Missed Calls From The Hague appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
1851693950
Cory Booker Delivers Historic 25-Hour Wedding Vows https://theonion.com/cory-booker-delivers-historic-25-hour-wedding-vows/ Mon, 01 Dec 2025 20:31:27 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851693941 The post Cory Booker Delivers Historic 25-Hour Wedding Vows appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
The post Cory Booker Delivers Historic 25-Hour Wedding Vows appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
1851693941
Nature Begins Reclaiming Chuck Grassley https://theonion.com/nature-begins-reclaiming-chuck-grassley/ Mon, 01 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851693820 The post Nature Begins Reclaiming Chuck Grassley appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
The post Nature Begins Reclaiming Chuck Grassley appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
1851693820
White House Touts Affordability Of Hay-Based Thanksgiving Dishes https://theonion.com/white-house-touts-affordability-of-hay-based-thanksgiving-dishes/ Wed, 26 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851693721 WASHINGTON—Responding to concerns about high grocery prices ahead of the holiday, President Donald Trump held a press conference Wednesday to tout the affordability of hay-based Thanksgiving dishes. “I’m doing a great job on the economy and bringing the price of Thanksgiving dinners way down by encouraging Americans to replace costly ingredients with straw,” said Trump, […]

The post White House Touts Affordability Of Hay-Based Thanksgiving Dishes appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
WASHINGTON—Responding to concerns about high grocery prices ahead of the holiday, President Donald Trump held a press conference Wednesday to tout the affordability of hay-based Thanksgiving dishes. “I’m doing a great job on the economy and bringing the price of Thanksgiving dinners way down by encouraging Americans to replace costly ingredients with straw,” said Trump, adding that the low-cost, grass-based livestock feed could be shaped into the form of a roasted bird or baked into casseroles and pies. “Thanksgiving meal prices are down 33% compared to what they were under Biden, and now you can stay full by chewing on the hay for hours and hours. Americans consuming dried grass out of necessity is just another sign that the United States has the strongest economy in the history of the world—horses eat this stuff, and look how strong those guys are. I promised to lower cud prices for Americans, and by God have I delivered. Bet you can’t eat just one bail!” Trump then asked Vice President JD Vance to show Americans that hay was delicious by eating some off the floor for the camera.

The post White House Touts Affordability Of Hay-Based Thanksgiving Dishes appeared first on The Onion.

]]>
1851693721