Hang onto them for Christmas stocking stuffers.

Provide any uneaten turkey to PETA for resuscitation.

By whisking a couple of eggs into your leftovers, you can make them grosser.

Apply gravy to hinges, window frames, and moving machine parts.

Leftover pie can easily be repurposed as pie.

Once those biscuits get hard, they’ll be ripe for chuckin’.

Casserole waste can be safely recycled at your local Best Buy.

Completely ignore a food pantry’s donation guidelines and leave your leftovers there.

Remember, raccoon Thanksgiving is Monday.

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“No one knows it was me yet.”

Finn Hanson, Cheese Colorist

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“I’m grateful that my family has each other, so I can mostly check out.”

Sam Chen, Corkscrew Supplier

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“The wheel’s an underrated classic. I use wheels all the time.”

Margot Lewin, Asbestos Expert

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60,000

Redeemed airline miles wasted on round-trip flight to Ohio

2

Oven-roasted whole turkeys each passenger allowed to carry on

4 a.m.

Time aunt is serving dinner this year so nobody hits traffic

3.375

Terabytes of data used by mothers reminding their adult sons to pack a nice sweater

158 lbs

Minimum amount of turkey needed in vehicle to justify using the carpool lane

C19

Your newly assigned gate on the opposite side of the fucking airport

3 BPM

Heart rate of grandpa in the backseat

100:1

Odds the meal isn’t worth this shit

The post Thanksgiving Travel By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

STEP 1

Leave your ex-wife a long, meandering voicemail.

STEP 2

Measure one cup of Andrew Tate’s Ultimate Male Turkey Powder.

STEP 3

Turn an unused burner on medium and place your hand on it to feel something, anything at all.

STEP 4

Using a steak knife, catch a glimpse of what you’ve become in the blade’s reflection.

STEP 5

Wash vegetables in warm water on a gentle cycle with plenty of fabric softener.

STEP 6

Double the salt in the recipes to reduce your odds of doing another one of these next year.

STEP 7

Mindlessly peel 647 potatoes as you daydream about all the ways you will seek revenge on those enjoying Thanksgiving without you.

STEP 8

Add two cups of melted butter to your open mouth.

STEP 9

Recoil in shock after touching the turkey and suddenly becoming flooded with its memories in which it, too, is scared and alone.

STEP 10

Eat straight from the pan naked for fewer dishes and clothes to wash. 

STEP 11

Go outside and press your face to the glass of the dining room window of the happiest family in your neighborhood. 

The post Holiday Cooking For One appeared first on The Onion.

The post Melania Trump Informs Visiting Children She Hid Many Easter Eggs Behind Curtain Of Reality appeared first on The Onion.

Decide if you’ll be doing impressionism, pointillism, or a blue one.

Create a chromatic silver effect with a few tablespoons of liquid mercury.

Get the kids involved by letting them watch you do it so they don’t fuck it up.

Consider alternatives to chicken eggs, such as converting to Judaism.

Dyed shaving cream can create an amazing psychedelic marbling pattern for people a lot more artistic than you.

For a unique look, ask baseball legend Manny Ramirez to sign an egg.

Shake each egg. See if that does anything.

Use googly eyes and ancient incantations to imbue each egg with a human soul.

Throw around the word “decoupage” so people know you mean fucking business.

Cut out the middleman and just dye the chicken.

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