Food

Local

Dad And His Friends Just Standing In Yard Listing Smoke Points Of Various Oils

CONCORD, NH—Despite the men all considering themselves best friends and each other’s closest confidants, sources confirmed Tuesday that local dad Sam Parker and his buddies…
Local

Ohioan Disturbed By Reports Of Haitians Eating Vegetables

FOSTORIA, OH—Claiming such accounts chilled him to the very bone, Ohio resident Danny Gleisner, 53, told reporters Friday that he felt deeply disturbed by reports…
Local

Listeria Outbreak Prompts Man To Continue Eating Deli Meat Like Nothing Wrong

PITTSBURGH—Putting on a brave face and carrying on with his regularly scheduled hoagie consumption habits Friday, local man Craig Landers was reportedly continuing amid the…
Local

Applebee’s Steak Sent Back For Not Being Properly Slathered

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Expressing frustration about the entree’s preparation to his waiter, local man Chuck Harrington reportedly sent back his Applebee’s steak Thursday for not being properly…
Local

Cooking Class Instructor Can Already Tell Which Couples Signed Up Based On Marriage Counselor’s Recommendation

STATESVILLE, NC—Taking note of their audible sighs and the undercurrent of resentment evident in their attempts at cooperation, gourmet cooking class instructor Dana Robertson told…
Local

You Want A Piece Of Me?

Hey, you! Yeah, you. I see you standing over there with the hungry look in your eye. Something bothering you? Something gnawing at your gut?…

Local

Enchanted Spatula Can Only Be Used To Flip Food By One Who Is Pure In Thought And Deed

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Management at Grandma’s Family Restaurant in Southfield is still awaiting the arrival of The Foretold One, the short-order cook who is capable of wielding…
Local

Tortilla-Chip Supply Dwindling, Reports Man On Couch

WATKINS GLEN, NY—In an announcement with dire implications for future munching, couch-based snacker Randall Boles confirmed Monday that his personal tortilla-chip supply has fallen to…
Local

Eating Enthusiast Acquires Chocolate Eclair

DULUTH, MN—Longtime eater and admirer of fine edibles Douglas Hundt proudly added a Zuckerman’s Bakery chocolate eclair to his extensive pantry Monday at a reported…
Local

Rogue Smorgasbord Sates Seven

ASHEVILLE, NC—A rogue smorgasbord ran rampant through the streets of Asheville Monday, eluding police and restauranteurs for over nine hours and sating the appetites of…
Local

Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man

MEDFORD, MA—Medford resident Bob Schroeder spoke out Monday against a ketchup packet he recently acquired at a local restaurant, claiming it was not fancy enough.…
Local

Area Man Demands More Starches

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Dissatisfied with his current levels of intake, Leonard Bierski, a 44-year-old Terre Haute-area plumber, publicly demanded a “serious increase” in his already prodigious…