Food Archives - The Onion

WHO: ‘Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels’

The Onion Staff — Wed, 03 Dec 2025 22:31:30 +0000

The post WHO: ‘Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels’ appeared first on The Onion.

Tips For Repurposing Thanksgiving Leftovers

The Onion Staff — Mon, 01 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Once Thanksgiving dinner is over, many Americans find their refrigerators packed with several days’ worth of leftover food that often goes to waste. The Onion shares tips for repurposing your holiday leftovers.

Hang onto them for Christmas stocking stuffers.

Provide any uneaten turkey to PETA for resuscitation.

By whisking a couple of eggs into your leftovers, you can make them grosser.

Apply gravy to hinges, window frames, and moving machine parts.

Leftover pie can easily be repurposed as pie.

Once those biscuits get hard, they’ll be ripe for chuckin’.

Casserole waste can be safely recycled at your local Best Buy.

Completely ignore a food pantry’s donation guidelines and leave your leftovers there.

Remember, raccoon Thanksgiving is Monday.

The post Tips For Repurposing Thanksgiving Leftovers appeared first on The Onion.

Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House

The Onion Staff — Fri, 28 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

WICHITA, KS—Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can’t trust herself to keep raisins in the house. “I used to keep a canister up in a high cabinet that I couldn’t reach without hurting myself, but I’ve decided it’s more responsible to remove them from my home entirely,” said Donovan, adding that she now only allows herself to enjoy raisins at restaurants. “Dried grapes? Don’t let me near them! Oh my goodness, I used to polish off an entire 130-calorie serving in one sitting. Not only are raisins overly decadent, but those natural sugars will have me bouncing off the walls. The last time I had raisins, I was up until 7 p.m. talking my friend Eileen’s ear off about the new James Patterson novel on the telephone. It would be nice to have them in the house as a treat for the grandkids, but this is for the best. Who has the willpower to resist raisins?” At press time, Donovan was indulging herself in an afternoon of hedonistic debauchery after discovering an old package of prunes in the refrigerator.

The post Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House appeared first on The Onion.

Sweet Potato Dish Stopped Being Healthy 5 Ingredients Ago

The Onion Staff — Thu, 27 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

The post Sweet Potato Dish Stopped Being Healthy 5 Ingredients Ago appeared first on The Onion.

White House Touts Affordability Of Hay-Based Thanksgiving Dishes

The Onion Staff — Wed, 26 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Responding to concerns about high grocery prices ahead of the holiday, President Donald Trump held a press conference Wednesday to tout the affordability of hay-based Thanksgiving dishes. “I’m doing a great job on the economy and bringing the price of Thanksgiving dinners way down by encouraging Americans to replace costly ingredients with straw,” said Trump, adding that the low-cost, grass-based livestock feed could be shaped into the form of a roasted bird or baked into casseroles and pies. “Thanksgiving meal prices are down 33% compared to what they were under Biden, and now you can stay full by chewing on the hay for hours and hours. Americans consuming dried grass out of necessity is just another sign that the United States has the strongest economy in the history of the world—horses eat this stuff, and look how strong those guys are. I promised to lower cud prices for Americans, and by God have I delivered. Bet you can’t eat just one bail!” Trump then asked Vice President JD Vance to show Americans that hay was delicious by eating some off the floor for the camera.

The post White House Touts Affordability Of Hay-Based Thanksgiving Dishes appeared first on The Onion.

Australian Prisoner Sues For Right To Eat Vegemite

The Onion Staff — Sat, 22 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

An inmate in Australia is suing over a ban on prisoners eating Vegemite, arguing that forbidding the yeast-based spread violates his human right to “enjoy his culture as an Australian.” What do you think?

“Don’t do the crime if you can’t do without spreads.”
Karl Stenroos, Geode Polisher

“It’s a staple of Australian culture second only to being in prison.”
Crystal Bohnenkamp, Pretzel Salter

“A real Australian wouldn’t have put himself in a situation with no Vegemite in the first place.”
Rhys Dobbs, Botulism Expert

The post Australian Prisoner Sues For Right To Eat Vegemite appeared first on The Onion.

OpenAI Reveals ChatGPT Primarily Used To Ask If Hot Dog Too Old To Eat

The Onion Staff — Thu, 20 Nov 2025 18:55:34 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO—Shedding light on how consumers were most likely to interact with the popular software application, a new report published Thursday by OpenAI revealed that ChatGPT was primarily used to ask if hot dogs were too old to eat. “Our large-scale analysis found that 98% of our users are leveraging the computing power of AI to determine whether it’s okay to consume withered processed sausages that emit pungent odors,” said OpenAI research scientist Eric Bouvier, adding that speakers of every language in the world had asked the question, whether about bloated packages of unopened frankfurters or leftover chili cheese dogs that had been lingering in the refrigerator on crusty paper plates. “At any given point, the vast majority of users are employing our chatbot’s cutting-edge neural network to generate responses to the question ‘Are hot dogs supposed to be covered in slime?’ And thanks to the photos they’ve uploaded, our model has now been trained on over 1 billion unique images of pallid meat tubes. We estimate that delegating that task of assessing hot dog safety to ChatGPT has increased user productivity by 500%.” At press time, reports confirmed millions of users had contracted food poisoning after ChatGPT told them to scrape off the mold and “chow down.”

The post OpenAI Reveals ChatGPT Primarily Used To Ask If Hot Dog Too Old To Eat appeared first on The Onion.

Exclusive Soup Kitchen Offers Free Meals By Invite Only

The Onion Staff — Tue, 18 Nov 2025 17:43:48 +0000

OLYMPIA, WA—Sitting back to savor the 10-course broth-based haute cuisine, guests at the Northwest Community Center told reporters Tuesday they were thrilled to dine at the organization’s exclusive soup kitchen, which offers free meals by invite only. “Everyone on the streets wants to get in here, and I can’t believe I finally get to try their curated presentations of soup in unexpected forms,” said local homeless man Richard Margiotta, adding that he appreciated the charity’s dedication to helping those in need access a pretentious, high-end soup experience. “I had to DM them on Instagram months in advance to even be considered for a table, and luckily they found me worthy of their avant-garde tasting menu after realizing I’m a big shot among the impoverished. You have to know people to get this tablespoon of aerated vichyssoise served on an oversized plate. There are guys who have been living in the biggest shelters for years still waiting for an invite. Everyone knows that spherified gazpacho topped with fried corn silk tastes even better when you haven’t eaten in days.” Sources also reported that the soup kitchen features a chef’s table where the most important guests can watch staff argue as they prepare the meal.

The post Exclusive Soup Kitchen Offers Free Meals By Invite Only appeared first on The Onion.

Holiday Cooking For One

The Onion Staff — Tue, 18 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

With the festive season upon us and our hearts filled with the reality that we’ve never been so isolated and alone, The Onion offers an extensive guide featuring tips and tricks for preparing an unforgettable annual feast to create a completely miserable dining experience for one.

STEP 1

Leave your ex-wife a long, meandering voicemail.

STEP 2

Measure one cup of Andrew Tate’s Ultimate Male Turkey Powder.

STEP 3

Turn an unused burner on medium and place your hand on it to feel something, anything at all.

STEP 4

Using a steak knife, catch a glimpse of what you’ve become in the blade’s reflection.

STEP 5

Wash vegetables in warm water on a gentle cycle with plenty of fabric softener.

STEP 6

Double the salt in the recipes to reduce your odds of doing another one of these next year.

STEP 7

Mindlessly peel 647 potatoes as you daydream about all the ways you will seek revenge on those enjoying Thanksgiving without you.

STEP 8

Add two cups of melted butter to your open mouth.

STEP 9

Recoil in shock after touching the turkey and suddenly becoming flooded with its memories in which it, too, is scared and alone.

STEP 10

Eat straight from the pan naked for fewer dishes and clothes to wash.

STEP 11

Go outside and press your face to the glass of the dining room window of the happiest family in your neighborhood.

The post Holiday Cooking For One appeared first on The Onion.

Tips For Canning Food At Home

The Onion Staff — Mon, 17 Nov 2025 18:01:33 +0000

While prices at the grocery store continue to rise, more Americans are turning to shelf-stable preservation methods to save money on food. The Onion shares tips for home canning.

Enter an economic recession.

Procure at least one can.

Slowly introduce bacteria to other parts of your diet first.

Start calling everyone Maw and Paw.

Ask the kids what they want to eat for 20 years of nuclear winter.

Grow several bushels of blueberries on your apartment balcony.

Decide whether you want to die from botulism or shigella.

Make sure to purée the meat lover’s pizza before canning.

Consider less boring ways to risk your life.

If you end up with extra jars, can those too.

The post Tips For Canning Food At Home appeared first on The Onion.

Friend Being Cagey About What She’s Going To Order

The Onion Staff — Tue, 11 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

EVANSTON, IL—After casually asking what she was thinking about getting, patrons at a local restaurant confirmed Tuesday that a friend they were dining with had suddenly started acting cagey about what she was going to order. “Hello, Earth to Sarah, we asked you what you’re getting,” said local woman Sydney Garner, 32, locking eyes with her other friend at the table after her question was met with a mere shrug from behind the menu. “I don’t understand—why is it a secret? Do you think we’re going to copy you or something? It’s not like I’m going to ask to split it. I already know that I want the linguine alle vongole, and I have no trouble sharing that information with you. Great, now you’re calling the server over and silently pointing to what you want, out of our view? Seriously? No, no, don’t try to change the subject by asking how our families are doing. Just tell us what you ordered! We’ll find out soon enough.” At press time, the friend had reportedly flagged the waiter and requested that her order be wrapped up to go.

The post Friend Being Cagey About What She’s Going To Order appeared first on The Onion.

Study: 20% Of Urinary Tract Infections Caused By Contaminated Meat

The Onion Staff — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 21:54:27 +0000

A new study found that about one in five urinary tract infections can be traced to E. coli-contaminated meat. What do you think?

“Is it possible food affects the body in other ways, too?”
Hal Rivera, Slang Updater

“That’s why I always pee after McDonald’s.”
Martha Wilfong, Amateur Tobacconist

“I guess I could switch to contaminated fish.”
Chris Narendorf, Sandal Sizer

The post Study: 20% Of Urinary Tract Infections Caused By Contaminated Meat appeared first on The Onion.