Vol 61: Issue 49 Archives - The Onion

Hollywood Films Increasingly Funded By Saudi Arabia

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 17:07:48 +0000

Hollywood is increasingly looking to Saudi Arabia for financing as other sources of money have dried up in the aftermath of the Covid-19 pandemic, though the kingdom’s controversial human rights record makes the relationship potentially problematic. What do you think?

“Let’s see movie critics try and leave a bad review now.”
Trevor Hopkins, Credibility Appraiser

“Do we want a ‘Space Jam 3’ or not?”
Miles Kempfer, Whistle Tester

“So now when I burn fossil fuels, I’m supporting the arts.”
Robin Westrick, Solutions Specialist

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Quentin Tarantino Slams Paul Dano As Worst Actor On Wikifeet

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 21:02:06 +0000

LOS ANGELES—In a shockingly personal attack on the actor’s arches, filmmaker Quentin Tarantino made comments Friday slamming Paul Dano as the worst actor on Wikifeet. “Paul Dano’s got the weakest soles on Wikifeet,” Tarantino said during a podcast appearance, calling Dano’s feet “nasty, gnarled stompers” compared to a peer like Austin Butler’s “gorgeous, five-star tootsies.” “And to put his feet next to Daniel Day-Lewis’s? Come on. I don’t know why he’s even on there. He’s dragging the entire website down.” At press time, celebrities from Ben Stiller to Alec Baldwin were defending Dano’s feet as “beautiful,” “incredible,” and “the finest of his generation.”

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Malaysia Bans Social Media For Children Under 16

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 20:26:43 +0000

Starting in 2026, Malaysia will ban social media accounts for anyone under 16, joining other countries such as Australia in imposing digital age limits. What do you think?

“Man, pedophiles just can’t catch a break.”
Madison Herczeg, Gorilla Groomer

“I guess I’ll have to start meeting underage kids the old fashioned way.”
Derek Wilgus, Retired Tourist

“Can Malaysia afford to fall behind in teenage depression?”
Jimbo Loftin, Salt Packager

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Japanese Company Unveils Human Washing Machine

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 17:26:17 +0000

A Japanese tech firm has developed a capsule-style human washing machine, which is able to automatically wash and dry a person. What do you think?

“It’s nice to see real innovation in drowning.”
Joshua Gibson, Salami Slicer

“Thanks, but my dishwasher already gets me spotless.”
Astrid Thackorie, Junior Referee

“And fire the servants who sponge my body down?”
Maurice Hissom, Button Replacer

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Pete Hegseth Invokes ‘Fog Of War’ After Pissing In Break Room Refrigerator

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 16:10:27 +0000

ARLINGTON, VA—Describing the incident as a split-second operational judgment made under rapidly evolving conditions, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth invoked the “fog of war” Thursday to explain why he urinated inside a Pentagon break room refrigerator. “In the heat of the moment, you’ve got to make a decision, and sometimes that decision is imperfect,” said Hegseth, arguing that under the intense pressure of warfare it can be nearly impossible to distinguish between a porcelain urinal and a white refrigerator. “Civilians can never understand what it’s like to be in the thick of it. On the ground, you don’t have time to dilly-dally. You just unzip and go. When you’re back home, it’s easy to have all these high-minded ideals about the ‘rules’ of combat, but the truth is, when you find yourself totally blasted and face-to-face with a brightly lit shelf of individually wrapped string cheeses, you don’t have the luxury of calculating whether there’s time to run to the bathroom or even open a window. Throw around terms like ‘war criminal’ or ‘coworker’s insulin-ruiner’ all you want, but I acted with significant restraint by urinating in the vegetable crisper when, by all accounts, I would have been totally justified in fully dousing every inch of the fridge in my piss.” Asked for comment, President Donald Trump defended Hegseth’s actions and appeared to imply that the Pentagon custodian who filed the initial complaint should be investigated for treason.

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Pros And Cons Of War With Venezuela

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Tensions between the United States and Venezuela are escalating, with President Trump stating that land strikes on drug traffickers could come “very soon.” The Onion examines the pros and cons of entering a war against Venezuela.

PRO

“Caracas” fun to say

Raises total number of countries Americans can name to respectable nine

Would be nice to invade somewhere warm for the holidays

Something to tide us over until war with China

CON

Kind of an inconvenient time

May have to come up with a reason for doing so

Don’t know how to roll our R’s

Kathryn Bigelow already won two Oscars

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‘Marty Supreme’ Director Explains Film Slight Dramatization Of Real-Life LeBron James

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—Confirming his new film fell somewhere between fact and fiction, director Josh Safdie explained to reporters Friday that Marty Supreme was a slight dramatization of LeBron James’ life. “I wouldn’t call it a biopic, exactly, but yes, Marty Supreme is about King James,” said the filmmaker, who sought to dispel any confusion surrounding the sports drama by clarifying that the film was “loosely inspired” by the life of the 40-year-old NBA star. “We took a few creative liberties, of course: the name Marty Mauser, his personality and physical appearance, the fact that he’s playing ping-pong. But he’s still just a kid from Akron, even if the movie is set in New York City in the 1950s. And obviously, [Timothée] Chalamet does a great job capturing this.” At press time, Safdie was praising Kevin O’Leary’s performance as Bronny James.

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Kristi Noem Places Pushpin In Bespoke Map Of Every Place She’s Deported Someone To

The Onion Staff — Thu, 04 Dec 2025 18:23:40 +0000

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Hakeem Jeffries Calls For Execution Of Central Park Five

The Onion Staff — Thu, 04 Dec 2025 18:20:01 +0000

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What To Know About ‘Heated Rivalry’

The Onion Staff — Thu, 04 Dec 2025 17:46:36 +0000

Heated Rivalry, a new Canadian romance series, has exploded in popularity since it premiered on HBO Max last week. Here is everything you need to know about the show.

Q: What is the plot?

A: Two men have a steamy sexual affair despite not being vampires or elf nobility or anything.

Q: Where does it take place?

A: An alternate universe where hockey players meticulously wax their body hair.

Q: Are the actors actually playing hockey?

A: Yes. It’s illegal in Canada to impersonate a hockey player.

Q: Who is the target audience?

A: The horniest woman in Saskatchewan.

Q: Is there a lot of sex?

A: All of the sex is implied off-screen through shots of popping Champagne bottles and trains entering tunnels.

Q: Is the show better than the book?

A: Yes, it has far fewer words to read.

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WHO: ‘Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels’

The Onion Staff — Wed, 03 Dec 2025 22:31:30 +0000

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Trump Appears To Doze During Stroke

The Onion Staff — Wed, 03 Dec 2025 21:59:56 +0000

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