Work Archives - The Onion

Man Humiliates Himself At Holiday Party By Telling Coworkers He Appreciates Them

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 15:53:35 +0000

CINCINNATI—Saying the man’s reputation was unlikely ever to recover from the embarrassment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local accountant Josh Hunter had completely humiliated himself at his company’s holiday party by telling his coworkers he appreciated them. “It’s normal to have a couple of drinks during the festivities, but Josh made a total ass of himself by telling everyone in the room what he really thought of their admirable work ethic and superior communication skills,” said Hunter’s colleague Lisa Gallegos, adding that the shameful anecdotes about him insisting they were the most talented people he had ever had the opportunity to work with would be repeated behind his back for years to come. “It was kind of funny at first, but things quickly spiraled out of control when he said he appreciated our moral support as he went through a difficult time earlier in the year. We had to put him in an Uber after he repeatedly made disturbing remarks about how he considered us to be some of his best friends.” At press time, the company’s HR department was reportedly fielding multiple complaints from employees who claimed Hunter had deliberately affirmed them as coworkers and as people.

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Judge Resigns After Wearing Elvis Wig In Court

The Onion Staff — Tue, 02 Dec 2025 21:44:23 +0000

A judge in Missouri resigned after wearing an Elvis Presley wig in court, coming after a disciplinary commission determined he failed to maintain order and decorum. What do you think?

“Either wear a full Elvis costume or don’t even bother showing up to work.”
Bjorn Geisler, Systems Analyst

“Little Richard gave me 25 to life.”
David Baroody, Retired Volunteer

“Yet in England they’re required.”
Katie Priest, Lottery Participant

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Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today

The Onion Staff — Mon, 10 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

CAIRO—Admitting he was unable to face a lengthy session of indexing artifacts after drinking too much the night before, hungover Egyptologist Henry Chapman confirmed Tuesday he was just gonna call in cursed this morning. “Listen, I don’t know what kind of hex was on that canopic jar I opened yesterday, but I’ve got a real doozy of a curse, and it’s probably best I stay home today,” the bleary-eyed Egyptologist said in a phone call to his supervisor, adding that he had heard the divine wrath of the pharaoh Amenhotep III was going around lately. “Whatever I’ve got is giving me bad luck, beetles, pestilence, the works. I wish I could be down there at the tomb with you cataloging all those funerary goods we found, but frankly I’m worried about spreading the curse to everybody else. I’d feel terrible if I ended up giving you guys the plague of scorpions I’m dealing with right now. I don’t wanna get too graphic, but let’s just say I’m finding cobras in a lot of places you don’t want cobras. With any luck, it’s just a 24-hour curse, and I can get back to translating the rest of those hieroglyphics with you tomorrow.” According to sources, Chapman began to suspect he really was cursed after the greasy breakfast sandwich and coconut water he ordered to soothe his hangover were carried off from his kitchen counter by a jackal.

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Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter

The Onion Staff — Sun, 09 Nov 2025 18:05:00 +0000

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Admitting they may have overlooked some key physical metrics in the evaluation process, the New England Patriots front office told reporters Sunday the team was starting to regret drafting 130-pound linebacker Thurston Welles based exclusively on the strength of his cover letter. “Looking back, we should’ve probably checked to make sure he’d played Division I football or at the very least had some kind of proven track record as an athlete, but honestly, we were just blown away by that cover letter,” said Patriots general manager Eliot Wolf, adding that the undersized defender’s self-described passion, attention to detail, comfort in team settings, and background in AP English initially made him seem like a no-brainer for the team’s third-round pick. “Should we have looked into his 40 time, or his bench press reps, or whether he was taller than 5-foot-4? Yes, it’s clear now we should’ve. But man, if you’d read his paragraph about seeing challenges as opportunities, you’d hire him, too.” At press time, team sources confirmed that Welles would be sidelined two to four weeks after sustaining a concussion while attempting to tackle a blocking sled.

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IT Guy Had Affinity For Cords At Young Age

The Onion Staff — Thu, 30 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

DES MOINES, IOWA—Revealing that his fascination began practically as soon as he could crawl behind the television, local IT specialist Josh Tannenbaum told reporters Thursday that he’s had an affinity for cords from a very young age. “For as long as I can remember, I always knew I wanted to plug and unplug a variety of cords,” said Tannenbaum, adding that while other kids dreamed of being astronauts or firefighters, he aspired to be the guy who untangles a big mess of cables and wires and then organizes them so it’ll be easier for the next person who has to poke around in the electrical room. “My parents often tell me the story of when I saw my first cord at the age of five. I asked my father what it was, and my eyes filled with wonder as he told me it was called a cord and that it made the refrigerator work. After that, every birthday I would tear open the wrapping paper as fast as I could to get to those cords. All I hope is that before I get too old, I’ll be lucky enough to fulfill my childhood dream of traveling to Europe and seeing the different plugs their cords have over there.” At press time, Tannenbaum had reportedly been laid off from his IT job.

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Office Adds Area For Lactating Mothers To Discreetly Pump Iron

The Onion Staff — Thu, 25 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

TUCSON, AZ—In a move that has earned praise from women’s rights advocates, local business Leiderman Insurance reportedly unveiled a dedicated space Friday for lactating mothers to discreetly pump iron in the office. “It’s essential that employers provide a private, functional weight room where new mothers can comfortably pump iron at work when the need to make gains arises,” said postpartum Liederman employee Aria Desrochers, expressing gratitude that she was no longer forced to duck into a cramped bathroom stall or utility closet every few hours to discreetly max out her delts. “It felt degrading to have to drag my dumbbells out to my car every time I needed to get some reps in, and being a new parent is hard enough without the judgmental looks from coworkers for deadlifting in common spaces. Now that I have a safe, clean place to bang out skullcrushers on the clock, I can quietly slip away from my desk to work in a compound superset, and no one has to know. They even put a small refrigerator in there for me to store my Muscle Milk.” Desrochers went on to say that the company had generously offered her an additional eight months of paid bodybuilding leave.

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CEO Worried 23-Year-Old Only Into Him For His Keen Business Acumen

The Onion Staff — Thu, 28 Aug 2025 13:16:36 +0000

PHOENIX—In an intense bout of insecurity and wariness toward his partner’s superficial focus, Fortune 500 CEO William Freitag, 57, reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that the 23-year-old woman he was currently dating was only into him for his keen business acumen. “I’m trying not to let it get to me, but deep down I can’t help feeling she’s just like all the rest and only with me because she wants networking tips and access to my strong client base—a tale as old as time, really,” said the multimillionaire head of Summit Network Systems, expressing bitterness after dinner with the young office assistant, who he speculated was only seeing him as an excuse to pick his brain for financial advice and team leadership expertise. “Look, I’m not a sucker. I’m well aware she wouldn’t agree to be seen in public with me if I didn’t have my talent for negotiation and the respect of my clients. Women like that only have one thing on their minds: finding a guy who has increased operating revenues year over year for each of the past three fiscal quarters.” At press time, Freitag admitted he was only dating the woman for her comprehensive knowledge of Gracie Abrams’ discography.

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Woman’s Career Dies In Childbirth

The Onion Staff — Fri, 15 Aug 2025 13:00:00 +0000

DAYTON, OH—In a tragic turn to what loved ones had expected to be a joyous day, family sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Sandra McDowell’s career had died in childbirth. “We did everything we could to preserve the mother’s job prospects, but sadly, she just lost too much employability for her career to survive,” said obstetrician Heather Parlon, adding that McDowell’s husband broke down outside the delivery room when he learned that he’d be raising his child in a single-income household. “Her marketing career was so young and full of promise. She was just an entry-level assistant content manager, for heaven’s sake, with so many good years of moving up the corporate ladder ahead of her. And now she’s lying completely jobless on a hospital bed, and all those promotions and wage increases and corner offices she dreamed of are gone, just like that. It breaks your heart to see a career cut short before it could fully blossom in this world.” McDowell’s husband reportedly chose to honor her career’s memory by naming their daughter Chief Content Strategist.

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Warm, Encouraging Email From CEO Quickly Identified As Phishing Attempt

The Onion Staff — Thu, 07 Aug 2025 13:00:00 +0000

AUSTIN, TX—Arousing suspicion among the digital marketing firm’s employees with its warm and solicitous tone, an encouraging email sent from the account of Pulse of Tomorrow CEO Herb Helminth was quickly flagged as a phishing attempt and deleted, sources reported Thursday. “I’ve never seen anything like this in my life—he even spelled the name of our company correctly,” said social media manager Esther Perez, who expressed concern when she noticed the email’s tone bore little resemblance to the CEO’s usual cold and hostile writing style. “He told everybody to keep up the great work and complimented our ‘creative and talented staff.’ There was no mention of restructurings or reducing costs or ‘economic headwinds’ anywhere. I can’t even imagine what kind of person would send an email like this.” According to sources, the company’s IT specialist sent out a memo reminding employees to report an email thread immediately if they ever received a reply from the CEO’s account that said anything more than “okay.”

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Rising Cost Of Living Forcing More Buddhists To Continue Working Years Into Reincarnation

The Onion Staff — Thu, 17 Jul 2025 13:00:00 +0000

DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—Calling the trend an alarming indicator of the global economy’s fragile state, a report released Thursday by the Tibetan Institute for Economics revealed that the rising cost of living was forcing more Buddhists to continue working years into reincarnation. “Unfortunately, increased housing, food, and healthcare expenses require many Buddhists to hold down a job long after their rebirth,” said Chhime Rigzing, a Dalai Lama spokesperson and Tibetan official who co-authored the report, adding that while older followers of the Buddha’s wisdom had been able to extinguish all suffering much earlier, younger souls were toiling longer in the form of field mice, hungry ghosts, or other sentient beings. “These days, if you’ve been recently reborn as, say, a hummingbird, there’s virtually no chance you’re going to emancipate yourself from attachment anytime soon. Your best bet is to clock as many hours as possible pollinating flowers to keep yourself from winding up in [Buddhist realm of punishment] naraka. Unfortunately, for too many, the dream of building up enough good karma to attain enlightenment and escape the cycle of samsara is no longer within reach.” Rigzing added that the majority of Buddhists now reported being forced to work three or more existences just to make ends meet.

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‘My Work Doesn’t Define Me,’ Says Man Who Will Spend 90,000 Hours Of Lifetime At Office

The Onion Staff — Mon, 28 Apr 2025 13:00:00 +0000

SACRAMENTO, CA—Believing that he was establishing a firm line between who he was as a person and what he did for a living, local man Jordan Wheeler, an employee of Creighton Industries who will ultimately spend 90,000 hours of his lifetime at the office, announced Monday that his work did not define him. According to witnesses, the 27-year-old proudly declared “I am more than just my job,” despite the fact that his 50-hour workweek will continue to leave him too exhausted to pursue any outside hobbies for decades to come. Wheeler, who will go on to work at the same office well into his 70s, reportedly called the place of employment in which he will spend a third of his adult life “just a paycheck” and “a temporary gig until I find what I’m really passionate about,” even though the few social engagements outside of the office he will participate in over the coming years will be with coworkers, with whom he will mostly talk about work. At press time, Wheeler reportedly spoke enthusiastically about his love for music, despite the fact that he will never spend more than six cumulative hours of his life playing his guitar.

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Laid-Off 23andMe Employee Packs Up Box Full Of Bodily Fluids

The Onion Staff — Wed, 26 Mar 2025 13:00:00 +0000

SUNNYVALE, CA—Creating a trail of liquid that dripped from her desk to her car, laid-off 23andMe employee Marcia Nashold reportedly packed up her box of bodily fluids Wednesday morning and vacated her office. According to sources, the 52-year-old data engineer emptied the contents of her desk drawers, filing cabinet, and mini fridge into the cardboard box, filling the container to its brim. Nashold was then overheard muttering “a lot of memories in these fluids” as she trudged to the elevator, the box’s contents occasionally splashing her shirt. Reports stated that as the elevator doors closed, the terminated employee nodded and made eye contact with another laid-off colleague, who was attempting to wring an unknown fluid out of a towel and into a box of his own. At press time, witnesses confirmed that Nashold had gotten into a screaming match with 23andMe security guards who had confiscated the box despite her claims that the fluids were personal fluids.

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