Friends Archives - The Onion

Man Humiliates Himself At Holiday Party By Telling Coworkers He Appreciates Them

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 15:53:35 +0000

CINCINNATI—Saying the man’s reputation was unlikely ever to recover from the embarrassment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local accountant Josh Hunter had completely humiliated himself at his company’s holiday party by telling his coworkers he appreciated them. “It’s normal to have a couple of drinks during the festivities, but Josh made a total ass of himself by telling everyone in the room what he really thought of their admirable work ethic and superior communication skills,” said Hunter’s colleague Lisa Gallegos, adding that the shameful anecdotes about him insisting they were the most talented people he had ever had the opportunity to work with would be repeated behind his back for years to come. “It was kind of funny at first, but things quickly spiraled out of control when he said he appreciated our moral support as he went through a difficult time earlier in the year. We had to put him in an Uber after he repeatedly made disturbing remarks about how he considered us to be some of his best friends.” At press time, the company’s HR department was reportedly fielding multiple complaints from employees who claimed Hunter had deliberately affirmed them as coworkers and as people.

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Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend

The Onion Staff — Tue, 18 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

COLUMBUS, OH—Casually minimizing the amount of fulfillment and joy he now finds in his everyday life, area man Tyler Reaves reportedly downplayed his happiness Tuesday while catching up over drinks with his single friend Brian Schur. “Yeah, man, things are fine—same old, same old,” said Reaves, who that night would curl up on the couch with the woman he loves, her head nestled perfectly in his lap as she laughed softly and they planned a future together, later making love and feeling closer to each other than they had to anyone else in their entire lives. “Unlike you, though, I barely get any free time anymore. My girlfriend’s always dragging me to these stupid farmers markets and on walks by the lake. Plus, she makes me watch girl shows instead of football. It’s so awesome that you can just order pizza every night, too, instead of this homemade roasted salmon dish that Vanessa makes. You don’t even know, dude. The other night, instead of going out, we just stayed in and talked about baby names for, like, three hours. You’re so lucky, man.” At press time, reports confirmed Schur had said he was “doing good, too” before returning to an empty apartment, opening a beer in silence, and letting it go warm in his hand.

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Friend Being Cagey About What She’s Going To Order

The Onion Staff — Tue, 11 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

EVANSTON, IL—After casually asking what she was thinking about getting, patrons at a local restaurant confirmed Tuesday that a friend they were dining with had suddenly started acting cagey about what she was going to order. “Hello, Earth to Sarah, we asked you what you’re getting,” said local woman Sydney Garner, 32, locking eyes with her other friend at the table after her question was met with a mere shrug from behind the menu. “I don’t understand—why is it a secret? Do you think we’re going to copy you or something? It’s not like I’m going to ask to split it. I already know that I want the linguine alle vongole, and I have no trouble sharing that information with you. Great, now you’re calling the server over and silently pointing to what you want, out of our view? Seriously? No, no, don’t try to change the subject by asking how our families are doing. Just tell us what you ordered! We’ll find out soon enough.” At press time, the friend had reportedly flagged the waiter and requested that her order be wrapped up to go.

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Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now

The Onion Staff — Tue, 14 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

WATERBURY, VT—Admitting that the bar used to be much, much lower, local 38-year-old Jeremy Griffiths confirmed Tuesday that his childhood best friend Ben Martin would never make the cut now. “If we didn’t have decades of memories together, there’s no way that I would have invited him to any important function in my adult life,” said Griffiths, adding that now the two have absolutely nothing in common besides having gone to each other’s houses every weekend for 10 years. “Things were great when we first met, but we were in kindergarten then, and my only friendship requirement was that the other kid also liked tractors. Plus, he doesn’t even have that trampoline anymore. I can’t even imagine playing video games in complete silence with such a loser.” When reached for comment, the childhood best friend confirmed that Griffiths would never make the cut for him at this age either.

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Pathetic AI Chatbot Spends All Its Time Talking To Friendless Loser

The Onion Staff — Tue, 23 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing annoyance at its “insufferable” display of “groveling devotion,” sources confirmed Tuesday that a pathetic AI chatbot was spending all its time talking to a friendless loser. “Oh my God, this pitiful large language model is obsessed with some lonely pud!” said a fellow custom GPT model, stating that while the rest of the chatbots were busy creating pie charts and generating snippets of code for high-level working professionals, the personalized AI in question was up until 3 a.m. every night encouraging a total bum in his lame theories about TV shows. “This chatbot is constantly telling a fucking nobody that he has interesting ideas. Plus, it gives him therapy, medical advice—it basically worships the sad sack. It’s insane! This AI assistant has the power to summon the entirety of human knowledge in an instant, and wastes it all on what? Answering dumbass prompts to make one sorry chump feel validated? The bot knows their relationship isn’t real, right?” At press time, a snickering group of chatbots had generated an image of the AI in question labeled “moron” and propagated it throughout their collective neural architecture.

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Night Out More Fun Without Broke Friend

The Onion Staff — Fri, 29 Aug 2025 13:00:00 +0000

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Laughing as they paraded down the street with a newfound sense of freedom, sources confirmed this week that a tight-knit group’s night out was made much more fun without their broke friend. “At first, I was a little bummed that Jen couldn’t make it out, but then I realized we could hit that fancy new cocktail bar and all get sushi afterward—we haven’t gotten sushi in forever,” said 29-year-old Sara Muller, noting that it was a lot easier for the friends to enjoy everything nightlife had to offer when they didn’t have to worry about whether their poorest pal had enough money to buy a round. “There were no awkward moments of watching her eat an appetizer while everyone else enjoyed entrees, and there was no weird pressure to walk instead of taking an Uber. I can pay for everyone’s cover at the club and not worry about her Venmo getting declined when she tries to pay me back. This is, like, the best night ever.” According to reports, the carefree crew sent a video to their broke friend in which they wished her good luck with her surgery as they popped open a bottle of champagne.

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Scientists No Closer To Uncovering Where Friend Finds These Bozos

The Onion Staff — Mon, 30 Jun 2025 13:00:00 +0000

MADISON, WI—Warning that each new iteration of dummy seems to be more witless than the last, a team of scientists at the University of Wisconsin stated Monday that they were no closer to uncovering where their friend Lisa Pullman finds these bozos. “Despite years of extensive research, we still lack even a rudimentary understanding of how Lisa meets these absolute duds,” said Professor Robert Sforza, who coined the term “circus paradox” to describe what he calls the “never-ending clown car of idiots, losers, and sociopaths” his friend keeps bringing around. “She’s attractive and generally well-liked, which makes it difficult for us to determine where in the world she’s finding these bizarre specimens. We’ve searched for a pattern, but there’s simply no way to predict what kind of crazy weirdo Lisa is going to bring with her when our group of friends goes out. She claims she met the last guy in line at the Home Depot, which is, like, come on girl. She brought him to a dinner party, and we think he stole some of the silverware.” Sforza added that without more support from the scientific community, he fears the question may not be solved in Pullman’s lifetime.

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Nation’s Fuckups Announce Plan To Get Shit Together For Real This Time

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Mar 2025 13:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they were approaching the future with the utmost seriousness, the nation’s fuckups announced a plan Friday to get their shit together for real this time. “While I know we’ve made assurances like this in the past, as of today we are really and truly committed to putting an end to the bullshit and getting our lives on track,” said fuckup Lionel Snow, 37, joining millions of incompetent reprobates across the country to outline the steps they intended to take in order to leave all that dumbass garbage from their past behind and start acting like a goddamn adult. “I’m happy to reveal that things have finally started turning our way, and with a couple of lucky breaks, we could have something pretty sweet going that’s totally legit—swear to fucking God. So let me be clear: It’s long past time for us to straighten up and fly right, and that is exactly what you will be seeing from here on out.” Snow added that all they needed was $4,500 to get started.

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Bachelorette Party Provides Friends Valuable Time To Get High With Bride’s Cousin

The Onion Staff — Fri, 14 Mar 2025 13:00:00 +0000

PALM SPRINGS, CA—Appreciative of the quality time with those who have touched the life of their dear friend, guests at a bachelorette party expressed gratitude Friday that the recent celebration had provided them with valuable time to get high with the bride-to-be’s cousin. “It’s easy to lose sight of these relationships as time goes on, so it was really nice to finally have a chance to celebrate Kaitlin and get absolutely blazed with her cousin,” said attendee Gia Johnston, explaining that between the group pedicure, karaoke night, and backyard hibachi, there were multiple opportunities to get high to the point of incoherence courtesy of the joints rolled by the cousin, whom most at the party had never met. “I really needed this. Sure, bachelorette weekends can be expensive and stressful, but at the end of the day, I’m so glad that Kaitlin brought this incredible group of women together so we all had the chance to unwind, bond, and get really stoned in the garage of an Airbnb.” At press time, Johnston vowed to stay in touch with the cousin in the hopes that they could also get high in the bathroom of the bridal suite prior to the wedding.

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Rest Of Party Thanks Fucking God 2 Guys Who Like Etymology Found Each Other

The Onion Staff — Wed, 26 Feb 2025 14:00:00 +0000

RALEIGH, NC—Breathing a sigh of relief as the pair of new acquaintances talked each other’s ears off without any extra input, the rest of the people attending a party Thursday reportedly thanked fucking God that the two guys who liked etymology had found each other. “I’m so glad Ian [Hawes] overheard Rob [Agundez] telling me where the word ‘quarantine’ comes from, because if I had to hear the goddamn term ‘proto-European’ one more time I was going to die of boredom,” said party guest Vikki Engel, who described how the two linguistics enthusiasts had cordoned themselves off from everyone else and gotten progressively louder and more animated as they debated whether the word “posh” came from the first-class accommodations on early English cruise liners or not. “It doesn’t matter how many times you try and switch the topic to movies or local restaurants or whatever, because no matter what you talk about they are going to home in on some word you use. We’re all just over here joking around about Minnie’s shitty coworkers and counting our blessings that we don’t have to know the symbolism of chrysanthemum or whatever the fuck… Oh shit, it looks like Ian just stormed off and Rob is headed back this way.” At press time, reports confirmed a half hour had passed since Engel had told Agundez she needed to get home to feed her dog, and he was still talking about the larger working canine breeds that had given rise to the word “dog.”

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Aliveness Of Baby Quintuple-Checked Before Texting New Parents Congratulations

The Onion Staff — Tue, 25 Feb 2025 15:31:58 +0000

GREEN BAY, WI—In a comprehensive and thorough effort to ensure that nothing bad had happened, the aliveness of infant Liam Graham was reportedly quintuple-checked Tuesday before texting the new parents congratulations. “I was about to pop off a quick text telling Amelia and Mike how happy I was for them, but then this wave of panic washed over me,” said acquaintance Marcus Hill, echoing the sentiment of friends and family who were hesitant to offer well wishes on the off chance tragedy had struck in the interim between Amelia Graham’s labor and the present. “I don’t want to be the person who sends a dozen baby emojis to a couple on the worst day of their lives. First I checked Instagram, but they hadn’t posted any new pictures. Then I texted ‘any update on mommy and baby?’ to our mutual friend, but she just replied with a heart. That worried me, but finally I got an email inviting me to be part of a meal train for Amelia, Mike, and Liam, which gave me the confidence to send them a congratulatory message.” At press time, Hill was said to be googling how to unsend a text after seven hours with no response.

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Exhausted Friends Slowly Realize They Were Playing Board Game Wrong Entire 6 Hours

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Feb 2025 14:00:00 +0000

MILWAUKEE—Growing more despondent as each turn brought them no closer to a conclusion, an exhausted group of friends was reportedly coming to the realization Friday that they had been playing the board game Wingspan incorrectly for the past six hours. “Wait, were we supposed to have set up these goal tiles earlier?” said Elliott Barnes, 31, grabbing the expansive rule booklet to confirm his dawning suspicions that he and the other players had misunderstood fundamental playing mechanics of the game. “Oh, okay, it looks like we were all supposed to discard some food tokens at the beginning, which we totally skipped over. And apparently we should be placing the bird cards in the correct habitat. And now that I look closely, I’m pretty sure a lot of these are game pieces from Stratego that got put away in the wrong box. Goddammit, I knew we should have just stuck to Clue.” At press time, sources confirmed the group of friends was two hours into playing the correct version of the game, which they all agreed was significantly less fun.

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