Commentary

This Saturday I’ll be observing my 112th birthday, and the well-wishes and accolades have been pouring into my vast plantation-estate. The King of Spain, the…

I have two things I would like to say to the youth of today. First, kiss my blue-veined hiney! You’re not fit to carry my…

Why isn’t anyone doing anything about all the problems? We’re living in a time with super computers and underwater sea stations and million-dollar laboratories. And…

There’s no waiting at register three. Wheel your cart right over! I can help the next person. Any number of items!

Very few people like me because I’m loud, and when I speak I usually demand something, only not in English, but rather by grunting. Then…

Let me tell you, I love Jesus Christ more than just about anything on this miserable rock called Earth. Every morning, my nurse unstraps me…

For eight years I have been the leading supplier of hybrid seed corn in Winneshiek County, and the reason is clear: My seed is pure!

As I recall, it was the night of August 8, 1932. Hoover was in office, and my family was fighting to rally support for his…

I’ve heard of these brave Americans who are rushing to the Great Northern territories in search of Yukon gold. Many of them are abandoning their…

Recently—I think it was 1931—I fell in love. It was my only time. I was a young newspaperman. She was a third-draft copy reader. Her…

By Jeffrey Helms, age 8

The following is an excerpt from Pearl Gaines’ State of the Neighborhood Address, given Sunday at The Crandalls’ barbecue. For a complete transcript, write in…

Mommy, please kill me.