Become A Member. Get The Paper.

Vol 60: Issue 43

News

Flu Vaccines: Myth Vs. Fact

Despite CDC recommendations that everyone get their shot by the end of October, less than half of American adults receive flu vaccines, with many refraining…
Local

Area Man Forges Ahead In Pursuit Of Numbness With Third Slice Of Pie

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Sources marveled at the single-mindedness and robotic efficiency with which area man Maxwell DiLuzio raised and lowered his pastry-laden fork Thursday, reporting that nothing…
Local

Cheese Stick Wrappers Piled On Desk Like Shed Skins Littering Cobra Pit
News

Nation Vies For Approval Of Cool Dog

WASHINGTON—Hopelessly captivated by the animal’s cheerful energy and striking appearance, the U.S. populace reportedly converged upon a D.C.-area park Tuesday where sources confirmed that all…
Commentary

When We Invited You To Join Our Trivia Team, It Was With The Understanding That You Knew ‘Star Trek’

Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself, Rich. Our team trusted you with the privilege of proving yourself on Trivia Hell Night. But after last…
Local

Stain Sentimental

Entertainment

Almond Winfrey-Springsteen Cast In ‘Unfrosted 3’

LOS ANGELES—Confirming the rumors around the popular franchise were true, executive producers confirmed Monday they had cast Almond Winfrey-Springsteen in Unfrosted 3. “We are so…
Commentary

No Matter How Many Chili Cook-Offs I Win, Everyone Still Sees Me As ‘That School Shooter’s Mom’

In these scary and uncertain times, community is more important than ever. And nothing brings a community together like a good old-fashioned chili cook-off! Whether…
News

New Death Row Fast Pass Allows Convicts To Skip Execution Line

MONTGOMERY, AL—Calling it a “revolutionary way” to experience the full wrath of the carceral state, the Alabama Department of Corrections unveiled Friday a new Death…
Local

Wedding Planner Makes It Through Entire 1.5-Year Process Without Acknowledging Groom

SAVANNAH, GA—Having had no direct interaction with the man at any time during the process, local event planner Anna Callaway made it through one and…
News

Chick-Fil-A Raptured

ATLANTA—In a harrowing fulfillment of biblical prophecy that left customers screaming as their fast food orders disappeared before their eyes, panicked sources reported Tuesday that…
Entertainment, News

The Onion’s Streaming Guide

The Sex Lives Of College Girls (Season 3), Max: The hit show is back to answer last season’s cliffhanger question, “Him? For real?” Hoarders: Extra…

Advertising

Advertising

In Other News