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Vol 60: Issue 50

Football, Sports

Report Finds Majority Of Fumbles Recovered Within First 48 Hours

NEW YORK—In an effort to relieve public concern over the thousands of footballs that go missing every season, an internal report by the National Football…
Football, Sports

Patriots To Stop Serving Alcohol To Players After 3rd Quarter

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday that they would stop serving alcohol to…
Entertainment

Streaming Guide

Only Murders In The Building, Hulu: Yes, season four technically came out in August, but we’ve been busy, okay? Nova: Decoding The Universe, PBS: Tell…
News

Cackling Hims CEO Threatens To Pull Switch Activating All World’s Erections At Once

SAN FRANCISCO—Warning that every flaccid member across the globe now represented a ticking time bomb in his hands, cackling Hims CEO Joseph Ludlum released a…
Commentary

If Females Could Get Pregnant, There’d Be An Abortion Clinic On Every Coral

Despite the tide of aquatic opinion flowing in favor of reproductive rights for all, marine society still gives male seahorses very little say over what…
Entertainment

Charli XCX Does Line Of Coke With 11-Year-Old Make-A-Wish Fan

MINNEAPOLIS—In a touching moment that left the terminally ill child excitedly rambling and beaming from ear to ear, witnesses confirmed Friday that Charli XCX had…

Local

Town With Heavyset Mule Stuck In Barn Door Plumb Out Of Ideas

RANBURNE, AL—Concluding an hours-long summit with top thinkers from the area, residents of a town with a heavyset mule stuck halfway through a barn door…
Local

Foreign Man Knows An Incredible Amount About Harlem Globetrotters

NEW YORK—Astonished by the sheer volume of exhibition basketball knowledge that one person could possess, sources confirmed Monday that foreign man Deniz Büyükuncu knows an…
Entertainment

Mila Kunis, Ashton Kutcher Volunteer At Local Predator Shelter

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Posing for photos as they cleaned cages, filled food bowls, and went on walks around the block, celebrity couple Mila Kunis and Ashton…
Local

Cop Posing As Underage Girl Online Falls In Love With Pedophile

HOUSTON—After two weeks of posing as an underage girl online and exchanging messages with a suspected child predator, Detective Sgt. Gordon Aguero of the Harris…
News

NRA Gives Dead Schoolchildren ‘F’ Rating

FAIRFAX, VA—Calling the young students “the true enemy of gun rights,” the National Rifle Association reportedly issued an “F” rating Monday to dead schoolchildren. “This…
Local

DoorDash Order Arrives In Humiliatingly Large Bag

CHICAGO—A feeling of utter helplessness flooding his nervous system from the very moment he spotted the “enormous” brown paper sack, area 34-year-old Caleb Atkinson told…

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