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Vol 61: Issue 3

Politics

Trump Urges Supporters To Move On From Societal Disdain For Pedophilia

WASHINGTON—Facing mounting backlash from his MAGA base over his perceived ties to the Jeffrey Epstein case, President Donald Trump reportedly encouraged his supporters Monday to…
News

Small Town Kind Where Everyone Leaves Chastity Belts Unlocked

AMESVILLE, OH—Explaining that the tight-knit community was built upon a strong foundation of trust, residents of this small Midwestern locale told reporters Wednesday that their…
Obituaries

Sammy Gertz

Sammy Gertz, 41, passed away Tuesday while bravely fighting off a horde of restaurant patrons attempting to give her the Heimlich maneuver.
Real Estate

Neoclassical Gem

Since its construction in the late 18th century, this historic mansion has always been available to the highest bidder. Reference #19827
Local

New iPad Offers 3 Months Of Something Called Apple Deli+

CHICAGO—Unsure what to make of the perk that came bundled with his recently purchased device, area man David Halstead reported Tuesday that his new iPad…
Local

Nephew In Trouble For Strangling Again

WILMINGTON, DE—Adding to his streak of disagreeable behavior, 12-year-old nephew Cooper Goodpaster was reportedly in trouble for strangling again. “Oh gosh, that’s not good, is…

Obituaries

David Eustice

David Eustice, 54, was found dead in his apartment. In lieu of flowers, please send a team of forensic crime scene technicians.
Weddings

Alison Moore and Meghan Buress

The newlyweds blew through $79,000 in a single day last Saturday, and no one tried to stop them.
News

God Placed Into Deity Protection Program After Witnessing Murder

ARLINGTON, VA—In an effort to ensure the continued safety of the almighty being, the U.S. Marshals Service confirmed Monday that God, He Who Created the…
Real Estate

Experience The Charm Of The Barrio

This two-dimensional, hand-painted set of a street corner in Washington Heights, Manhattan, comes from a recent local high school production of In The Heights. Reference…
Entertainment

Björk Performs Benefit Concert For Wilted Sunflowers In Mushroom Forest

TOADSTOOL VALE—To aid ongoing recovery efforts in mystical lands recently devastated by a moonbeam, singer and composer Björk held a benefit concert Thursday in support…
Commentary

You’re Not The Man I Married—You’re Significantly More Attractive And Loving

Gerald, we need to talk. None of this is going to be easy for you to hear, but the simple fact is that you’ve changed.…

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