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Vol 61: Issue 7

Obituaries

Kevin Hagstetter

Knowing it was his time, Kevin Hagstetter instinctively crawled under the porch to die alone at age 73.
Weddings

Patrick Wood and Helen Shaw

If these newlyweds seriously think they can brush over the fact that they met during Patrick’s first marriage with a vague reference to “ups and…
Local

No-Nonsense Nurse Completes Entire Medical Chart After Pinching Arm Flab Once

ATHENS, OH—Making a comprehensive determination about her patient almost instantaneously, no-nonsense nurse Mary-Jo McMann was reportedly able to complete a patient’s entire medical chart Thursday…
Obituaries

Nadia Zafirovski

Nadia Zafirovski, 35, died in what was surely a coincidence Friday when she was struck by lightning while violently shaking her fist at the sky…
Real Estate

Sure, If You’re An Unoriginal Hack

Oh, so you’re looking for a nice house in a good school district with a little curb appeal? Look no further, sheeple! Your suburban wet…
Local

Teacher Asks What First Graders Want To Be Once Child Labor Laws Repealed

LIBERTY, MO—After reading aloud a picture book about a puppy that works in a coal mine, local first grade teacher Brianna Montgomery asked her students…

Local

Faithful Dog Refuses To Move From Spot Where He Killed Beloved Owner

MINNEAPOLIS—Moved by the animal’s unwavering devotion, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 4-year-old cocker spaniel Biscuit refused to move from the spot where he had killed…
Entertainment

June 2025 Best Sellers
Weddings

Anna Rialto and Sean Walter

The bride and groom had dated for 25 years prior to their wedding Saturday, so God knows what inspired them to get married now.
News

King Charles Switches To More Comfortable Silicone Crown

LONDON—Noting how the new headpiece was much better suited to his royal lifestyle, King Charles III announced Wednesday that he had switched out his 5-pound,…
Local

Relationship Experts Recommend Saying ‘I Love You’ Even If You Don’t Mean It

ORLANDO, FL—Emphasizing that it’s just words, after all, a team of relationship experts issued a recommendation Thursday that stressed the importance of saying “I love…
Real Estate

Spacious End-Unit

Lots of space in this end-of-the-row unit you can walk or roll into. Located in the basement of the public library, this place comes with…

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