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Vol 61: Issue 20

Obituaries

Mark Rodney

Mark Rodney, 52, passed away suddenly last Saturday. His family has announced that the first person to correctly guess his cause of death will win…
Weddings

Marissa Green and Henry Right

Despite a slight mix-up with the readings, the happy couple were pronounced man and wife after a recitation of Judges 19-21, the rape of the…
Obituaries

Antonio D’Angelo

Antonio D’Angelo, 63, fell backward onto a knife in his apartment Tuesday, and that’s all you need to know.
Real Estate

We Want You To Fuck Here

Foregoing any flowery language about reigniting the passion in your marriage, we’re just going to come out and say this secluded vacation rental is perfect…
Weddings

Anna Tsang and Matthew Valentine

Now that they’ve tied the knot, the bride will begrudgingly root for the groom’s stupid little football team.
Entertainment

Coveted Broadway Stage Role Landed By Juilliard-Trained Curtains

Real Estate

What’s A Little Cesium-134?

A bit of cancer is a small price to pay for this charming bungalow in the 500-mile exclusion zone surrounding the site of a catastrophic…
Local

Frustrated Man Gets Mustard All Over His New Hot Dog

CHICAGO—Kicking himself as the condiment splattered all over his pristine meal, local man Scott Wilkinson reportedly expressed frustration Thursday after getting mustard on his brand-new…
News

National Park Service Begins Offering Annual Body-Dumping Pass

WASHINGTON—Expanding its suite of discounted entry options to draw in more visitors, the National Park Service announced Tuesday the rollout of a new annual body-dumping…
Sports

Novelty Nachos Helmet Works Way Into Regular Dishes Rotation
Local

Woman’s Career Dies In Childbirth

DAYTON, OH—In a tragic turn to what loved ones had expected to be a joyous day, family sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Sandra McDowell’s…
Cartoons

Sweetshop Labor

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