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Vol 61: Issue 25

Sports

Trump Attends Dogfighting Match

LAS VEGAS—Speaking enthusiastically about what he called “a beautiful sport,” President Donald Trump attended a match Monday for the Ultimate Dogfighting Championship. “That’s it, bite his…
Obituaries

Benjamin Yates

Benjamin Yates passed away tragically at age 53, leaving a gaping hole in his local community and torso.
Local

Everyone At Wedding Singles Table Cousins
Real Estate

Post-HGTV Disaster

This three-bedroom house was remodeled to look like a giant meatball after the owner mentioned to the host of an HGTV show that he sometimes…
Weddings

Luna Fisher and Oliver Cox

Spirited away by carriage under cover of night, the two lovers were wed deep in the forest by an unfrocked priest.
Entertainment

Tom Cruise Buys Fitbit To Help Him Get 10,000 Daily Stunts

CLEARWATER, FL—Explaining that his personal health was everything to him, Tom Cruise told reporters Thursday he had purchased a Fitbit to help him get in…

Real Estate

As Good A Place To Become Embroiled In Conspiracy Theories As Any

This house has a great porch and gets plenty of natural light, but if you’re going to spend 12 hours a day on Reddit, it…
Commentary

Jean’s Own Goals

So one bright morning around nine, sunlight streaming through her mini-blinds, your ol’ pal Jean rolled out of bed (literally!), slurped a mug of piping…
Weddings

Shane Collins and Charlie Quentin

The pair married Friday, which instantly fixed every underlying problem in their relationship, including poor communication skills, undiagnosed mental health disorders, incompatible personalities, and infidelity.
Local

911 Operator Walks Panicked Woman Through Being Murdered

DENTON, TX—In what is being hailed as a heroic intervention that provided critical support at a moment when her life was at stake, sources confirmed…
Obituaries

Freida Meeks

Freida Meeks, 90, died Sunday but will not be discovered by staff at her ramshackle nursing home for another three months.
News

Raid Introduces New Bug Doxxing Kit

RACINE, WI—Saying the new product “attacks and intimidates pests right where they live,” popular insecticide brand Raid introduced its first-ever bug doxxing kit Tuesday. “Our complete…

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