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Vol 61: Issue 29

Obituaries

Richard Blakely

Despite his family’s pleading, Richard Blakely died at age 82 on the nice rug.
Weddings

Carlie Beams and Drew Jones

Six years from now, almost to the day, the blushing bride Carlie Beams and joyful groom Drew Jones will be fighting to the death for…
Obituaries

Randy Faber

Randy Faber, 49, died Saturday after a horn impaling his chest confirmed his severe rhino allergy.
Real Estate

Not 200 Yards Away From The Dog Park

Listen, no one’s trying to broadcast private details about your life to the whole world, but you should know that living here would absolutely violate…
Weddings

Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak

The Saturday evening union of D.C. insiders Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak featured several productive breakout sessions with good thought-starters on potential honeymoon locations…
Entertainment

Slipknot Travels To India To Begin Psychedelic, Free-Love Phase Of Career

RISHIKESH, INDIA—In an effort to break down creative barriers and open their minds to new types of spirituality, members of the heavy metal band Slipknot…

Local

Meth Lab Straightened Up Ahead Of Landlord’s Visit

MESA, AZ—As he hastily hung a framed picture over some unsightly bullet holes in the wall, local man Clyde Walker told reporters Monday that he…
News

Starbucks Awarded $5 Billion Contract To Explore Military Applications Of Cold Foam

ARLINGTON, VA—The U.S. Defense Department confirmed Monday that Starbucks had been awarded a $5 billion contract to explore potential national security applications of cold foam,…
Real Estate

Wouldst This Suit M’Lord?

Tis a humble and rudely constructed domicile, true, but ’tis warm and dry, and there be space enough to lay your head on some flax…
Entertainment

Netflix Now Requiring All Subscribers To Recruit 5 New Customers

LOS GATOS, CA—With an update the company hailed as a bold feature that would excite existing users and increase membership, streaming giant Netflix announced Tuesday…
Obituaries

Leonard Hendrick

The widow of the recently deceased Leonard Hendrick, 66, would like all single men in the community to know that her husband died and she…
Local

Heartbroken Man Realizes He Only Loved Idea Of Fried Egg On Burger

KNOXVILLE, TN—After a disappointing lunch that shattered his romanticized view of the topping, heartbroken local man Vince Salazar stated Monday that he now understood he…

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