Jesus Archives - The Onion

Can You Guys Come Pick Me Up? I Accidentally Returned To Mars

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Well, this is super embarrassing. It looks like I must have gotten myself pretty turned around back there and totally missed My destination. I hate to ask, but I was hoping I could catch a ride back to Earth with you guys, because I somehow wound up returning to Mars by accident.

I know, I know, I am a freaking moron.

Man, this sucks. I really thought it was just a straight shot from My seat at the right hand of the Father down to His earthly kingdom, but obviously I was mistaken. Which is extra humiliating considering I’m supposed to be all-seeing and all-knowing, and everything. Apparently not! Apparently, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords is a total bonehead with zero sense of direction. So, yeah, if you could come grab Me, I’d super appreciate it.

Maybe I took a wrong turn at Cloud 18 or something? I don’t know, they all kinda look the same: huge, majestic, riddled with angels playing their stupid harps at all hours of the day. And it’s true I haven’t been back in almost 2,000 years…but come on. How could I be so stupid?

At first I looked around at all the red soil and sunbaked cliffs, assumed I was in Arizona, and was like, “Okay, looks like the Rapture is starting in Phoenix!” Then I started feeling really short of breath and realized there was basically no atmosphere at all. Like, none. And I thought, hmm, that’s odd, I’ve never been to the American Southwest, but I’m pretty sure there should at least be some oxygen. It wasn’t until I turned around to get My bearings and saw two huge-ass moons floating in the sky that I realized, shit, You are on the completely wrong planet.

Fuck My life.

I’m supposed to be riding in on the back of a great white stallion, wearing a robe dipped in blood, and tossing sinners into a lake of fire, but instead I’m sitting here in some gigantic crater freezing My ass off with no fish to multiply, no water to turn into wine, and no sign of public transportation at all. Okay, I’m looking at Google Maps, and it says it’s gonna take a whole millennium to get back. Great. All I brought are these stupid sandals. This is gonna be murder on My plantar fasciitis.

Hello? Can anyone hear Me? Nope. Not even a freaking echo. This is creepy as hell.

Guys. I’m serious. Come pick Me up. I get that it’s out of the way, but I’ll owe you big time. I’m over by the big mountain that’s in the shape of a face. You know that one? I’m right past that in a little ravine. Just look for the long-haired dumbshit in a bright white robe waving His hands around like an asshole.

Just hurry. And please don’t tell My Dad or He will fucking kill Me. Again.

The post Can You Guys Come Pick Me Up? I Accidentally Returned To Mars appeared first on The Onion.

New AI Chatbots Let Users Text With Jesus

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 22:30:06 +0000

Churches are deploying AI-powered chatbots that let users “text with Jesus,” tailor spiritual guidance, and engage with faith-based characters. What do you think?

“An intermediary between me and God? What am I, a Papist?”
Laura Grigg, Kiln Supervisor

“I accept Jesus into my hard drive.”
Hakim Washington, Chess Commentator

“I’m not big on technology, but I do love false idols.”
Danny Ezzo, Needle Threader

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New Pope Declassifies Jesus Crucifixion Documents

The Onion Staff — Fri, 06 Jun 2025 12:00:00 +0000

VATICAN— In an effort to bring openness and transparency to his role as supreme pontiff, Pope Leo XIV vowed Friday that “the truth will finally be revealed” as he issued an order fully declassifying the Church’s Jesus Crucifixion Documents. “Ever since Christ was executed in broad daylight in the middle of Golgotha, questions have swirled about the mysterious circumstances surrounding his death, but no longer,” said the Bishop Of Rome, confirming that hundreds of unredacted pages of biblical apocrypha could finally provide credence to the so-called “second stabber” theory that suggested there were multiple Romans that day plunging their spears into Christ’s side. “Of course, Judas Iscariot has historically been blamed for the whole thing, but what if he was just a patsy? Isn’t it just a little too convenient that he ‘hanged himself’ immediately after the crucifixion, meaning no one could ask him what really happened? And what was Mary Magdalene doing there that day when she was scheduled to be in Galilee? Once you begin pulling at this thread, bigger and bigger questions emerge: Was it even really Jesus Christ who emerged from the cave after three days, or did the Roman leaders make a swap at the last second with another resurrected dead person? Reasonable people have been questioning these inconsistencies for centuries, and it’s long past time that we finally had a definitive answer.” The pope added that his next official act would be to clear the name of the snake who was nothing more than a fall guy for the dangerous power brokers running Eden.

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Jesus Circles Earth Few Times So He Not First To Arrive To Judgment Day

The Onion Staff — Mon, 19 May 2025 13:00:00 +0000

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Dreading a scenario in which He showed up early and was forced to make awkward small talk with mankind, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, circled the earth a few times so He wouldn’t be the first to arrive for Judgment Day, heavenly sources confirmed Tuesday. “It’s still looking pretty quiet down there, so I’m just gonna take a couple laps around the planet until the End Times get into full swing,” the Son of God said as He anxiously hovered high above South America, adding that almost everyone He was looking forward to seeing wouldn’t show up until the resurrection of the dead anyway. “Man, I really should have made plans to head over with the Four Horsemen. It’s way less stressful to arrive for the Day of Wrath as part of a group. I could text Abaddon, the king of the locusts, to see when he’s getting there, but that guy never checks his phone. If I’d been smarter about it, I’d just be leaving heaven now. Oh well. I’ll give it one or two more trumpets, and then I should be good to head down.” After arriving upon the earth in the divine glory of His Second Coming, Christ was reportedly dismayed to find that everyone had already judged the souls of the living and the dead without Him.

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