Vol 55: Issue 38 Archives - The Onion

Rob Gronkowski’s Wife Gets Out Photo Album To Prove To Him He's Met Tom Brady

The Onion Staff — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 14:30:00 +0000

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Joe Kennedy Dodges Crashing Planes, Swerving Cars After Announcing Campaign For Senate

The Onion Staff — Sat, 21 Sep 2019 13:40:00 +0000

BOSTON—Moments after announcing plans to mount a 2020 challenge to Ed Markey for his Massachusetts Senate seat, Representative Joe Kennedy III was forced Saturday to dodge crashing planes, swerving cars, and a tumbling stampede of rolling concrete tubes all seemingly charging in his direction. “I believe this state is ready for a bold change in direction, and I intend to take us there next year—oh, dear God!” said Kennedy, who covered his head to shield himself from debris as a tractor trailer smashed wildly through the wall behind him, then sprinted into the street past several exploding manhole covers, eluding a dozen lightning strikes, ducking just under the swinging attacks of several sword-wielding assassins, hiding in an alleyway from a sniper’s laser sights, and finally jumping clear of a sinkhole that swallowed several blocks of East Boston. “Help! Help! Can anyone hear me? Jesus Christ, how are there two tidal waves in the middle of the city?” At press time, Kennedy was spotted waving to paparazzi while boarding a rickety vintage light plane and setting off towards a campaign appearance directly into a raging thunderstorm.

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Audubon Society President Spends Another Morning In Attic Feeding Nation’s 2.9 Billion Missing Birds

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 21:17:00 +0000

DOBBS FERRY, NY—Climbing the wooden stairs into a room overflowing with bird droppings, loose feathers, and owl pellets, Audubon Society president David Yarnold reportedly spent another morning in his attic Friday feeding the 2.9 billion birds reported missing by avian researchers. “How are all my precious angels doing today?” Yarnold said to the mass avian gathering, scattering a pail of breadcrumbs to the 700,000 ruby-throated hummingbirds squawking on the attic’s floorboards before putting a sunflower seed in his teeth and feeding it to one of the 3 million goldfinches nesting in the rafters. “It’s so nice to have you all to myself. And here’s a little treat of herring for Mr. Pebbles the Pelican. And some shrimp for Miss Flamingo. Oh, my goodness, you’re all in such a happy mood. Come over here, Sherbet O’Donahue! Let me stroke your gorgeous feathers.” At press time, an additional 50 million seagulls, kingfishers, and mallards had reportedly vanished after Yarnold jury-rigged garden hoses to run up his stairs to his attic to fill up several thousand kiddie pools.

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Justin Trudeau Apologizes For Brownface Photos From 2001

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 19:37:00 +0000

Admitting that the practice was racist and he should have known better, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau apologized for wearing brownface to an Arabian Nights-themed party in 2001 and blackface several years before. What do you think?

“Come on. He was just a stupid teen, young adult, and full-grown 29 year-old at the time of these various incidents.”
Yasemin Adkins • Complaint Filer

“So, what then? He was supposed to just go to this party dressed as a white guy?”
Craig Felix • Gaffer

“Isn’t it kind of unfair to apply our enlightened 21st-century cultural norms to people living in 2001?”
Malcolm Meyer • Journalism Critic

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‘Ni No Kuni’: Remastering Done Right, But Gameplay Is Marred By My Newborn Son’s Constant Screaming

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 18:39:00 +0000

Gamers who played 2010’s phenomenal Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch when it was first released will remember it for the heartfelt tale of Oliver, its addictive Pokémon-inspired battle system, and most of all, the eye-catching Studio Ghibli character designs. Nearly a decade on, I’m happy to report that the game is back in remastered form to introduce a whole new generation of gamers to this incredible adventure. Unfortunately, if you’re anything like me, you’ll find this remastering job is marred by your newborn son’s near-constant screaming for food.

While this distraction never made Level-5’s classic JRPG unplayable per se, I want to stress to any potential buyers that my 3-week-old son’s continual wailing for sustenance did wrench me out of the game several times and spoil what would otherwise be a beautiful and immersive experience.

Here’s why: Ni no Kuni has always been defined by its pitch-perfect presentation. The original score by celebrated Japanese composer Joe Hisaishi and the voice-acting bringing characters like Drippy and Swaine to life truly made you feel like you were playing through an interactive anime. Yet, I could barely hear any of this over the agonized wailing and coughing of my red-faced infant as he grew increasingly frantic in his demands for milk.

Now, there are some fixes for these nagging issues. Personally, I was able to rush over and throw a blanket over my son to muffle his howls while I had some in-game familiars cover Oliver’s back in combat. During some of the game’s many ridiculously gorgeous cutscenes, I even moved his crib into the other room. Sadly, though, this did nothing to address related problems such as the smell of unchanged diapers that kept distracting me from the quest to stop the White Witch before she could destroy the world.

One recommendation I will give any gamer who experiences these frustrating problems is simple: Unplug your phone. You’re going to be getting a lot of calls from concerned neighbors and eventually child services, and that’s only going to make it harder to focus on grinding out some of the side quests and bounties to level up later in the game before you take on the Zodiarchy.

With all of this said, the gameplay experience does take a clear uptick about 40 hours into its playtime. That’s when my son’s crying tapered off, and I didn’t really hear the shrill, annoying shrieks again. From then on out, this was the Ni no Kuni I know and love. With nothing but silence in my apartment, I was fully engrossed in the gripping journey to help Oliver and his friends defeat Cassiopeia.

Once those beautiful moments of the game’s closing arc kicked in, not even the police banging on my front door was enough to drag down my awe at this truly legendary gaming experience. For this, I’m giving Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch a qualified but enthusiastic 8.5 out of 10.

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7 Benches Near Your Office Where You Can Eat Lunch In Fucking Peace

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 16:54:00 +0000

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Overwhelmed Dolphins GM Asks Players To Please Use Automated Email Form When Making Trade Requests

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 16:33:00 +0000

MIAMI—Reminding players that the procedure was the fastest, most efficient way for them to all get what they want, General Manager Chris Grier took a moment Friday to remind the Miami Dolphins once again that any incoming trade requests needed to be submitted to him via the automated email form. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you guys, we have the Google form for a reason, there is no way I can keep track of all these requests otherwise,” said Grier, reiterating that requests submitted through the form would be prioritized over dozens of emails he had received simply reading “Get me out of here,” and that in order to keep requests straight, he at least needed basic information from them such as position, contact info, and name. “We have a little bit of a submission backlog, so unfortunately, some of you might have to keep on playing with us for another month or so. Some people didn’t procrastinate until Week 2 and they deserve first priority. And guys, please don’t just tweet, “I want to be with a contender,” at a bunch of reporters hoping I’ll see it. Also, I need the specific cities you want me to look at when I’m processing your request.” At last report, Grier had been forced to send a follow-up email with a new trade request form after the first one crashed from overuse.

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Rookie Forest Ranger Not Getting Hopes Up About Seeing Tree On First Day

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 16:15:00 +0000

SHERIDAN, WY—Lowering his expectations in an effort to avoid disappointment, rookie forest ranger TJ Hayward told reporters Friday that he was not getting his hopes up about seeing a tree on his first day of work. “If it happens, that would be great, but I’m not going to hold my breath for a lodgepole pine on day one,” said Hayward, noting that one of his colleagues who has already been there over six months hasn’t seen even a single spruce or fir yet. “Of course I’d love to come across a majestic aspen in the wild, but I know it could be years before that happens, if it happens at all. I’ll just keep an eye out for any tree droppings that I may notice on the trails. I know that if I see a squirrel, there’s probably a tree nearby.” At press time, Hayward was speechless and on the verge of tears after stumbling upon a beautiful, towering wooden utility pole.

The post Rookie Forest Ranger Not Getting Hopes Up About Seeing Tree On First Day appeared first on The Onion.

Merriam-Webster Adds Nonbinary ‘They’ To Dictionary

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 13:00:00 +0000

Merriam-Webster announced updates to its dictionary this week, including adding the use of the word “they” as a singular, nonbinary pronoun and weakening that case that using it is nongrammatical. What do you think?

“Everyone knows the English language is fixed at exactly 783,479 words and not one more.”
Andrew Ferrell • Grain Supplier

“If Merriam-Webster says it’s okay, then I guess my kid can move back in with me.”
Grant Winter • Bail Bondsman

“Wow, I guess even language can be controversial now.”
Muriel Cleveland • Pant Sizer

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NFL Pre-emptively Adds Whatever Bullshit Gronk Hawking To Banned Substance List

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 12:30:00 +0000

NEW YORK—Claiming the measure was a necessary precaution to prevent what must be some pretty terrible side effects, representatives for the National Football League announced plans Friday to add whatever bullshit Rob Gronkowski was hawking on social media to the banned substances list. “We’re looking out for the best interests of our players by just going ahead and prohibiting whatever CBD-based nonsense Gronkowski is peddling,” said spokesperson Brian McCarthy, clarifying that league officials had not conducted any formal testing before forbidding the substance, but were 100% confident in the dangers it poses to anyone who ingests it. “After reviewing Gronk’s claims about his ability to heal himself over the course of a summer, we had more than enough information to constitute an immediate, permanent ban. Even if it doesn’t affect or enhance players’ performance, we don’t want to take any chances. As far as we’re concerned, anything that Gronk promotes on Twitter can’t be safe for human consumption.” At press time, league sources announced that they were keeping their eyes on all that Tom Brady “TB12” shit just to be safe.

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The 25th Anniversary Of ‘Friends’

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 12:00:00 +0000

The sitcom Friends debuted September 22, 1994, becoming a generational touchstone over its 10-season run, and remains one of the most popular TV shows on streaming services. The Onion looks back at key moments in the show’s history on its 25th anniversary.

1993:

Creator David Crane comes up with unprecedented idea to explore what would happen if friends had sex with each other.

1994:

Show’s success creates thriving tourism industry in New York City.

1996:

Flashback shows how deep years-long friendship formed between Monica and Joey after he unexpectedly removes his clothes and exposes himself to her.

1997:

Iconic “We were on a break!” episode resonates with millions of viewers who have no respect for their partner.

1998:

The One Where Everyone Is Homophobic.

1999:

Struggling to recover from a season-five ratings dip, producers add Jennifer Aniston’s nipples to the cast.

2000:

A black person silently orders a cup of coffee at Central Perk.

2002:

Cast bands together to negotiate salaries of $1 million per episode, making them the poorest people in Los Angeles.

2004:

Actor Matthew Perry hit with realization while taping final episode that it all downhill for him from here.

2019:

Friends’ long-lasting influence still seen today in shows that are 22 minutes long and air on NBC.

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Justin Trudeau Responds To Blackface Criticism With New ‘Triggered?’ Campaign Slogan

The Onion Staff — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 18:35:00 +0000

OTTAWA—Following the release of images that reveal the head of government wore blackface and brownface on multiple occasions, Canadian head of government Justin Trudeau responded to criticism Thursday with a new campaign ad in which the slogan “Triggered?” appears on screen as he dabs his face with burnt cork. “Oh, boo-hoo, I’m sorry, do my policies bother you, SJWs?” Trudeau said in the 30-second TV spot, during which he vows not to be victimized by cancel culture and remarks that if this was how “those prissy, whiny snowflakes” were going to be, he didn’t even want to be their “goddamn prime minister.” “Wake up, soyboys! From Vancouver to Halifax, it’s time for this country to stop answering to the feminazis and uncuck itself. The so-called ‘tolerant’ left is just going to have to deal with the fact that by the time I’m through, there’s not going to be a single safe space left in all of Canada.” Within hours of the new slogan’s release, polls confirmed the prime minister’s approval rating had skyrocketed to 91%.

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