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Vol 55: Issue 37

Politics

House Democrats Vow To Hold President Accountable With Agriculture Bill Where First Letter Of Every Line Spells Out ‘Impeach Trump’

WASHINGTON—Seeking to mollify a segment of their base clamoring for inquiries into the president’s misconduct, House Democrats announced Tuesday that they would be holding the…
American Voices, Opinion

Facebook Rolls Out Dating Service In U.S.

Touting safety features such as sharing your location with friends, Facebook Dating rolled out its service in the U.S., bringing a Hinge or Tinder-like interface…
Politics

Ex-CIA Agent Valerie Plame Releases Campaign Video Depicting Her Torturing Voters

SANTA FE, NM—Announcing her intent to run as a Democrat for New Mexico’s 3rd Congressional District, former CIA agent and author Valerie Plame released a…
Infographic, News

Features Of The iPhone 11

Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iPhone 11 at a press conference on Tuesday. The Onion runs down the most significant features and specs of…
Sports

Stephen A. Smith Retreats To Tranquil, Secluded Fig Tree To Contemplate On Meaning Of NFL Week One

NEW YORK—Sitting silently cross-legged as the light breeze and rhythmic breathing focused his mind, ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith retreated to a tranquil, secluded fig…
Politics

John Bolton Consoles Self That At Least He Didn’t Help To Make World Safer Place

Politics

America Ends Negotiations With Bloodthirsty Warlord: A Look Back At John Bolton's Time In The Trump Administration
Local

Longtime Sleepytime Tea Addict Has To Use 6 Bags Just To Feel Drowsy

LEXINGTON, KY—Admitting that she may have a dependency issue with the soothing Celestial Seasonings herbal infusion, longtime Sleepytime Tea addict Katie Ball divulged Tuesday that…
American Voices, Opinion

Poll: Americans Overwhelmingly Support Gun Safety Laws

A new Washington Post-ABC News poll found 89% of Americans support requiring background checks for all Americans, in addition to finding that a significant majority…
Sports

Indianapolis Motor Speedway Forced To Lower Speed Limit To 20 MPH After Elementary School Opens Next To Straightaway

INDIANAPOLIS—Capping off weeks of protest from local parents and students alike, the Indianapolis Motor Speedway was forced to lower its speed limit to 20 mph…
OGN

Real Life ‘DOOM’: This Office Requires A Keycard To Get In

Calling all DOOM fans! Drop whatever you’re doing and get ready for a serious nostalgia trip for this unforgettable retro shooter: This office requires a…
Local

Connoisseur Only One Not Enjoying Wine

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