Vol 55: Issue 37 Archives - The Onion

GameStop Somehow Selling Used Version Of Game Day After It Comes Out

The Onion Staff — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 13:00:00 +0000

As gamers, we see a lot of strange things, but this one may take the cake. By some sort of strange voodoo, GameStop is selling a used version of Borderlands 3 just one day after it came out.

Actually, scratch that. Gearbox Software’s latest entry in the Borderlands series dropped last night, a mere 18 hours ago, and yet here it is, already perched front and center in the used-games section next to far older titles like Spider-Man and Dark Souls II. We preordered ours on Amazon weeks ago and it hasn’t even shipped yet, so we’re struggling to understand how this disc was purchased and resold to GameStop so quickly.

There’s really no good explanation for how this happened. Maybe, MAYBE, there’s some scenario where a person waited in line for the release, took the game home, put in a few hours of gameplay, decided they hated it, and then promptly returned it when the store opened at 9 a.m. But that timeline just doesn’t make sense.

None of this makes sense.

What’s even crazier is that this copy of Borderlands 3 is in terrible shape! The case looks worn and the edges are even dented a little. How did it get so beat-up in less than a day? Also, the sticker says the original $59.99 price has been slashed by $4, which is not worth it considering the terrible condition this thing is in.

Frankly, we don’t know where this game came from or how it ended up in this GameStop. The manager said he doesn’t remember anyone coming in to sell it, but he already has two other used copies waiting to be stocked. What the hell?!

This is a mystery that may never be solved, but don’t let that stop you from picking up your own copy of Borderlands 3, out yesterday and apparently available used today!

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Third Democratic Debate Features Narrowing 2020 Field

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2019 20:16:00 +0000

Americans tuned in Thursday night to watch a rapidly narrowing 2020 Democratic field make their case for the party’s nomination as Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren met on the debate stage for the first time in the race. What do you think?

“Anyone who thought Joe Biden couldn’t maintain the most tenuous hold on lucidity for a few seconds is eating their words today.”
Craig Bull • Brewery Tour Assistant

“I’m not sure how I’m supposed to see my views represented with fewer than 20 candidates debating.”
Tabitha Sanderson • Garment Tester

“Why can’t they all just take turns being president?”
Shelly Vaughn • Financial Distiller

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Harvard Officials Say $8.9 Million Donation From Jeffrey Epstein Was From Brief Recovery Period When He Wasn’t A Pedophile

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2019 19:03:00 +0000

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Emphasizing that the late billionaire was only having sex with consenting adults at the time, Harvard officials said Friday that the nearly $9 million Jeffrey Epstein gave to the university was received during a brief recovery period when he did not engage in pedophilia. “I want to be clear: These donations were made only at times when Mr. Epstein was not actively involved in molesting, raping, or trafficking underage girls,” said Harvard President Lawrence Bacow, adding that the university had monitored the convicted felon’s sex life closely to ensure all checks were written and deposited during intervals in which Epstein completely abstained from intercourse with children. “While Jeffrey struggled, and eventually relapsed into pedophilia, I want to assure our community that Harvard went to great lengths not to accept his money while he abused minors. In addition, I can confirm that when Epstein was a visiting fellow in our Psychology Department back in 2005, he only had sex with women who had turned 18.” Bacow later clarified that the university’s anti-pedophile policy only applied to Epstein and would not have any effect on Harvard emeritus law professor Alan Dershowitz.

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Highlights Of The Third Democratic Debate

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2019 18:09:00 +0000

The third round of the Democratic presidential primary debates pitted the top-10 polling candidates against each other in Houston. The Onion highlights the most important takeaways from the third Democratic debate.

Andrew Yang brags to everyone about having $120,000.

Joe Biden aces standing-up-and-remaining-conscious portion of debate.

Bill de Blasio was not there.

Amy Klobuchar overshadowed by bold ABC logo in bottom right corner of screen.

Bernie Sanders fails to expand on tired campaign rhetoric that corporations destroying millions of lives every year.

Audience watches spellbound as Kamala Harris delivers critical soliloquy to President Trump’s skull.

Julian Castro criticizes placement of lower-polling candidates’ podiums in arena parking lot.

Pete Buttigieg declares presidential debates “unwatchable” due to politicians using facile, scripted lines to get cheap applause.

Beto O’Rourke threatens to be first presidential candidate assassinated for advocating gun control.

Thoughtful, policy-heavy discussion about whether human beings should die from preventable illnesses.

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Pros And Cons Of Binge-Watching

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2019 16:53:00 +0000

The practice of binge-watching TV shows has risen in popularity in recent years with the increase in streaming TV shows, but critics say it can have unintended consequences. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of binge-watching.

PRO

Boosts blanket economy.

Prevents couples in long-distance relationships from cheating on each other.

One of the best ways to find out what happens next.

Supports scrappy new upstart companies like Amazon, Netflix, and Disney.

Diminished returns still returns.

CON

King Of Queens loses little something after seven seasons in a row.

Probably not what doctor meant when they recommended significant lifestyle changes.

Each episode of Storage Wars meant to be savored as individual delicacy, not wolfed down indiscriminately.

Deep vein thrombosis.

Reality still occasionally creeps in.

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Green Giant Offering Program Where Gun Owners Can Trade In Firearms For Green Beans

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2019 15:47:00 +0000

PARSIPPANY, NJ—Claiming that the recent spate of mass shootings gave them no choice but to stand up and try to make a difference, vegetable purveyor Green Giant launched a new program Friday where gun owners can trade in their firearms in exchange for green beans. “These kinds of weapons have no place on the street or in our homes, which is why Green Giant is stepping up and offering 25 pounds of green beans for any semi-automatic weapon turned over to us,” said spokesperson Gina Sorpino, adding that a new ad campaign running in every major market promised gun owners who turned in multiple weapons could receive premium products like their Italian herb vegetable medley and fire-roasted sautéed zucchini. “We don’t want to force people to give up their guns, and we think our flavorful, healthy green beans are just the incentive people need. You can snack on them, put them in a casserole, even grill them. And unlike guns, the fatalities caused by green beans are almost non-existent. We hope gun owners will join Green Giant in building a safer world for our children.” At press time, Green Giant had discontinued the program after receiving over 5 million death threats.

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Bob Dylan On How He Likes His Corn And Why He Likes His Corn

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2019 14:00:00 +0000

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Tips For Playing ‘Borderlands 3’

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2019 13:30:00 +0000

Gearbox Software’s third game in this epically playable co-op multiplayer game is finally upon us! Prepare to jump into all the post-apocalyptic action with our tips for playing Borderlands 3.

If you want to refresh your memory of the series’ storyline, go back and play any one of 85% of games ever made.

The game lets you control one of four playable characters: Michael Jackson, Jermaine Jackson, Jackie Jackson, or Tito Jackson. Choose wisely!

Avoid stealing any “loot” that drops over the course of the game so your character will not burn in hell after dying.

This game doesn’t use motion controls, but don’t let that stop you from wildly flailing your body while you play.

Don’t profile. Just because an axe-wielding “Burning Psycho” is running towards you screaming doesn’t mean he’s going to hurt you.

The game boasts over 1 billion potential weapons combinations, but remember that none of them are more powerful than the magic of storytelling.

Moxxi is back and lookin’ fine as ever! But that’s no surprise. Living within her digital world, she’ll never age, never look in the mirror and notice a gray hair or a wrinkle, never see her beauty fade. But you will; you, trapped within the prison of your flesh, subject to natural laws as immutable as they are arbitrary. With each new Borderlands game, you’ll grow older, older and more decrepit, and Moxxi, looking out from your screen, standing behind her bar, she’ll see you, and she’ll smile a smile that contains only pity.

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Liberal Parents Struggling To Find School District With High-Quality Drag Queens

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2019 13:00:00 +0000

NORFOLK, VA—Saying it was never too early to begin instilling the values they believe in, liberal parents Christopher and Stacey Castaneda confirmed Friday that they were struggling to find a school district with high-quality drag queens. “We’re committed to finding a school system that has well-paid, skilled drag queens who can provide our son with the kind of education he needs to be successful,” said Christopher, adding that the child’s current school has a ratio of only one drag queen for every 32 students, leaving little time for one-on-one instruction. “We want Caleb to have access to a wide variety of styles—fish drag, camp queens, activessles—not just the same old busted Tina Turner impersonator he has now. Ideally, we’d have him in a drag queen–immersion program, but at the very least, we want a district where its a core part of the curriculum. Stage presence and wow factor are a must, and if the queen is bilingual, that’s even better.” At press time, the parents announced plans to enroll Caleb in private school after witnessing St. Edward’s Academy’s absolutely stunning autumn drag pageant.

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Roger Goodell: It Nearly Impossible For League To Keep Up With Crimes Regularly Committed By NFL Players

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2019 12:30:00 +0000

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Alex Trebek Back On ‘Jeopardy!’

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2019 12:00:00 +0000

After seeking treatment for pancreatic cancer over the summer, Alex Trebek returned for season 36 of trivia game show Jeopardy! What do you think?

“To be safe, anyone who was champion longer than a month should get a screening, too.”
Klay Mcneil • Freelance Juggler

“Well, I certainly hope he enjoyed his little vacation.”
Cassie Webb • Head Lifeguard

“Celebrity deaths come in threes, so we can look forward to two other celebrities not dying.”
Brandy Crosby • Masseuse Scheduler

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Moderator Jorge Ramos Asks Candidates How They Would Help Struggling Media Companies With $7.5 Billion Of Debt

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2019 01:15:00 +0000

HOUSTON—Saying it was time someone finally took a stand for struggling, Spanish-language networks, moderator Jorge Ramos paused the democratic debate Thursday to ask candidates how they would help media companies with $7.5 billion of debt. “No one—not one of you—has told the American people how you would save hardworking broadcast networks who sold themselves out to private equity firms, and also happen to be Hispanic and based in Miami,” said Ramos, who then looked each candidate in the eye and specified that their solutions need to keep in mind that the company in question has no long-term strategy and only ever knew how to make money from streaming soccer games and telenovelas. “Senator Sanders, would you say these companies would benefit from more needless layoffs? Or, Senator Warren, maybe they should just blindly start investing in companies they didn’t know what to do with again? Also, if you feel there is no solution, please be clear about it.” At press time, every single Democratic candidate had answered that the only solution was to shut the company down and finally put it out of its misery.

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