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Vol 55: Issue 37

American Voices, Opinion

Trump Approval Drops 6 Points

In the wake of a stumbling economy and several recent missteps, President Trump’s approval rating fell 6% to 38% in a recent ABC News-Washington Post…
News

Desperate Boy Scouts Officials Announce New ‘You Can Mutilate As Many Dead Squirrels As You Want’ Membership Campaign

IRVING, TX—In response to multiple lawsuits and potential bankruptcy, desperate Boy Scouts officials unveiled a new You Can Mutilate As Many Dead Squirrels As You…
OGN

Inspiring: Thousands Of Gamers Have Pitched In To Rescue Consoles Abandoned In The Wake Of Hurricane Dorian

Prepare to have your heart warmed. In the wake of the devastation of Hurricane Dorian, thousands of gamers have pitched in to rescue abandoned consoles…
News

Matthew McConaughey Forced To Apply For Food Stamps After First Month As Adjunct Professor

AUSTIN, TX—Struggling to scrape by on his meager salary, actor Matthew McConaughey was reportedly forced to apply for food stamps Thursday after his first month…
News

LEGO Unveils Line Of Playsets Commemorating Children Who Choked To Death On One Of Their Blocks

BILLUND, DENMARK—In a touching tribute to their deceased young fans, toymaking giant LEGO unveiled a new line of playsets Thursday commemorating all the children who…
News, News In Photos

U-Haul Introduces New Catapult Rental Service

Local

‘Those Have To Be First-Time Parents,’ Onlooker Says Of Couple Trying To Screw Infant Into Light Bulb Socket

YARMOUTH, MA—Shaking their heads in dismay at the clueless couple’s child-rearing difficulties, onlookers speculated Thursday that a husband and wife trying to screw their infant…
News

New Biblical Evidence Reveals Christ Suffered Extensive Brain Damage During Time Lying Dead In Tomb

JERUSALEM—Shedding new light upon the religious figure’s state after the Resurrection, archeologists from the University of Oxford discovered new evidence Thursday revealing that Christ suffered…
American Voices, Opinion

Study Suggests It Could Be Possible To Reverse Biological Age

Cautioning that the findings needed to be reproduced in a larger sample size, scientists giving healthy volunteers a cocktail of growth hormones and diabetes medications…
Local

Huge Box Of Extra Organs Left On Curb Outside Hospital
American Voices, Opinion

John Bolton Out As National Security Advisor

President Trump fired John Bolton from his position as national security advisor, noting that the warhawk often conflicted with him on foreign policy matters. What…
Cartoons, Opinion

That's All She Rogue

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