News In Brief Archives - The Onion

Nicole Kidman Retires Drag King Persona ‘Keith Urban’

The Onion Staff — Thu, 02 Oct 2025 20:27:49 +0000

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Every Movement In Man’s Burrito-Eating Technique Informed By Past Burrito Tragedies

The Onion Staff — Thu, 21 Nov 2024 13:00:00 +0000

GLENDALE, CA—Rotating the tortilla-wrapped meal to consume the Mexican food in even levels, eyewitnesses reported Thursday that every movement in local man Eddy Azarian’s burrito-eating technique has been informed by past burrito tragedies. “You can see how he massages the outside to get an a well-balanced distribution of ingredients as he goes, so you know that’s a man who has lost some carne asada to a floor before,” said friend Mike Fuentes, who noted the concentration on Azarian’s face as he rolled down the foil to form an even and tactile seam out of biting range. “Just look at that grip, perfectly spaced and easy to shift on the fly. And then he rolls it at regular intervals, making sure none of the juices or grease pool in one area and leaks out. You know every memory of rice spilling out or guacamole getting lumped in a corner is running through his head as he works. The way he takes a bite from the center and then works to the exterior so nothing is at risk of spilling. He’s seen too many burrito catastrophes for one lifetime and he doesn’t want to experience one again.” At press time, Azarian was reaching for a napkin after propping up his burrito against a cup of fountain soda he assumed to be full enough.

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Man Forgetting Difference Between Meteoroid, Meteorite Struggles To Describe What Just Killed His Dog

The Onion Staff — Thu, 14 Nov 2024 13:00:00 +0000

TORONTO—Though he tried hard to recall what he had learned about space rocks back in middle school, local man Jason Nieto reportedly forgot the difference between meteoroids and meteorites Thursday, struggling to describe what had just killed his dog. “God, I always forgot which one is the kind that actually hits the ground, if that’s even the difference, so I’m not sure what just crushed Churro,” said Nieto, explaining that the meteorite or meteoroid—or maybe asteroid, if that was a category including all of them—came streaking out of the clouds while he was walking his Pomeranian in the park. “If it hadn’t left a crater where Churro was and had just burned up in the atmosphere, then that’s a meteoroid, right? One of them kills dogs in space in orbit, and the other kills dogs on Earth. I just can’t remember which is which. Oh wait, shit, there’s also just a ‘meteor’ too, isn’t there? What am I supposed to tell the vet when I bring the ashes over?” At press time, reports confirmed a stumped Nieto was frantically searching his phone to see if it mattered that the space rock had exploded when it hit his dog.

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Self-Respecting Man Heats Up Leftovers

The Onion Staff — Mon, 21 Aug 2023 12:19:00 +0000

GREEN BAY, WI—In an act demonstrating clear confidence and pride in his own worth, self-respecting man Evan Landry reportedly heated up his leftovers from Garcia’s Mexican Restaurant in the microwave on Monday. “I could just dig into this leftover burrito bowl cold, but I’m a grown man and I love myself,” said Landry, explaining to reporters that he deserved better than to eat the unheated remains of refried beans, chipotle chicken, and brown rice that had coagulated into three separate clumps in the takeout container overnight. “You know what? I’m going to take this out of the container and throw it on a plate. I might even use real metal silverware. It’s really important to care for yourself. It’s what separates us from the animals.” At press time, Landry had opened the microwave after eight seconds and begun rabidly eating the still-cold meal over the sink.

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Matt Gaetz Accuses Roblox Of Silencing Conservative Voices

The Onion Staff — Wed, 11 Jan 2023 19:41:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had been systematically banned from playing games, purchasing Robux, or communicating with other users due to his political beliefs, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) told reporters Wednesday he had evidence that Roblox was actively silencing conservative voices. “Today, on Roblox, I was disgusted to find that my highly customized avatar, my in-game achievements, and my friends list had been totally wiped, all because I dared to speak my mind as a white, conservative man in America,” said Gaetz, who added that the gaming platform, which is popular among adolescents, had consistently and pervasively discriminated against prominent, outspoken Republican legislators and pundits like him. “As an active member of Roblox since 2017, I was disturbed, but not surprised, to find that the liberal elite had conspired to remove my friendship badge and ban me from playing my favorite pizza game on my private Discord server with my 900 mutuals. What if conservatives want to hunt virtual easter eggs or attend a Roblox Twenty One Pilots concert? The leftists in charge of Roblox are trying to prevent conservatives from seeking the truth and learning what users are wearing, where they live, and if their parents are home. Until we have a Roblox that supports free speech, people like me will always be second-class citizens.” At press time, Gaetz could not be reached for comment after evidence surfaced that he had sent a large number of Robux transactions to underage girls.

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Prince William, Prince Harry Settle Dispute With Arranged Marriages Between Children

The Onion Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2022 18:32:00 +0000

LONDON—In an effort to get past the acrimony stirred up by a recent Netflix documentary, Prince William and Prince Harry reportedly settled their dispute Monday by announcing arranged marriages between their children. “This allows us to put to rest all that nasty feuding and get down to what really matters, which is breeding the royal family,” said Prince William, who stressed that the marriage between his 7-year-old daughter, Princess Charlotte, and Prince Harry’s 3-year-old son, Archie Mountbatten-Windsor, would head off any potential strife by ensuring their bloodlines were forever entwined. “Of course, Harry’s son is technically not even a prince, but that’s really neither here nor there. Since time immemorial, the monarchy has avoided disturbances in the kingdom through strategic marriages, and this one looks highly promising. They’re not too closely related, merely first cousins, so hopefully only a few of their children will have hemophilia.” Prince William went on to reveal that the wedding would be in summer 2023.

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Neymar Wins World Cup’s Golden Tears Award For Most Faked Injuries

The Onion Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2022 12:30:00 +0000

LUSAIL, QATAR—In a ceremony honoring the top on-field performances in the 2022 World Cup, Brazilian forward Neymar received the Golden Tears award Monday for the most faked injuries. “The Golden Tears award is given to the player who best exemplifies the principles of falling to the ground at the slightest contact, feigning life-threatening injuries, and winning cheap penalty kicks for his team—and this year, despite stiff competition from Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar is the clear choice,” said FIFA president Gianni Infantino, adding that Neymar was chosen by a panel of FIFA-accredited journalists on the basis of his time spent writhing around, his number of winces per minute, and his achieving the longest continuous pained howl. “This award celebrates a player who made not only his own performance, but the entire match, and indeed tournament, more difficult and annoying to watch. Neymar’s fake injury theatrics were so dominant that he won the award despite Brazil being eliminated in the quarterfinals, and we can only imagine what he might’ve done had his side made it to the final. The anguish on his face as he grabs one shin and then the other, rolling around and delaying the game, really takes pseudo-injured bullshit to the level of an art form.” With this award, Neymar becomes the first-ever player to win the Golden Tears in two consecutive World Cups.

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Out-Of-Shape Streaker Ashamed After Cramp Forces Him To Walk Rest Of Way Across Football Field

The Onion Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2022 12:15:00 +0000

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Sprinting his way from the stands for a solid 10 seconds at MetLife stadium, out-of-shape streaker Patrick Koehler was reportedly ashamed Sunday after a cramp forced him to walk the rest of the way across the New York Jets football field. “Ow! Ow! Cramp! Cramp! Ow!” said a visibly winded Koehler as the completely naked, 41-year-old, flabby man limped across the 50-yard line clutching his side and shaking his head in shame. “Oh, God, this is embarrassing. I used to be able to streak for miles. I knew I shouldn’t have chugged those three beers before getting out here; I feel like I let everybody down.” At press time, Koehler was sitting in the middle of the field, struggling to catch his breath while calling for the approaching security guards to bring a stretcher.

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Meryl Streep Dropped By Agent After Failing To Develop Massive TikTok Following

The Onion Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2022 12:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—After struggling to keep up with the changing times, actress Meryl Streep was reportedly dropped by her agent this week over her failure to cultivate a massive TikTok following. “We’ve had a great time working with Meryl over the years, but unfortunately, her TikTok numbers just aren’t where they’d need to be for us to continue our relationship,” said CAA representative Amanda Tuchman, who observed that the three-time Academy Award winner’s highest-performing TikTok of her reacting to herself in Mamma Mia had barely managed to reach 800 views. “All Meryl’s in-character bits as Margaret Thatcher or Julia Child were never going to land with Gen Zers who weren’t even born when those people were relevant. The few followers she had were mostly people on her team. We warned her that her ‘POV You’re in August: Osage County’ TikToks were coming across as cringe and that she needed to build a relatable and authentic personal brand instead of doing all these niche impressions of different characters, but in the end, she just couldn’t figure out the platform. Not everyone’s cut out to be a content creator, and sadly, Meryl’s inability to translate her decades of critical acclaim into TikTok virality meant we had to let her go.” At press time, the talent agent was scrambling to re-sign Streep after she became an instant sensation on BeReal.

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Disappointed Man Reaches Bottom Of Ice Cream Carton Right When He Was Hitting His Stride

The Onion Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2022 11:45:00 +0000

CLEMSON, SC—Kicking himself for not buying more than a single pint, local man Billy Crenshaw was reportedly disappointed Monday that he had reached the bottom of the ice cream carton right when he was hitting his stride. “Oh man, I was in the fucking zone!” said Crenshaw, adding that he had just started feeling “good and loose” when he consumed the final bites of the mint-and-chocolate-flavored frozen dessert. “I wasn’t sure if I was even hungry when I started. Those first couple of bites, I’m not going to lie, they were a little cold. Honestly, I didn’t even start enjoying the ice cream until halfway through. But once I hit that first big chocolate chunk, it was game time. It’s a pity it’s over.” At press time, sources confirmed Crenshaw had decided he shouldn’t waste his momentum and began eating the carton.

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Report: Over 10,000 Pedestrians Struck Annually By Drivers Rushing To Beat McDonald’s Breakfast Cut-Off Time

The Onion Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2022 11:30:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the National Highway Safety Traffic Administration found that more than 10,000 pedestrians are struck every year by drivers rushing to beat the cut-off time for the McDonald’s breakfast menu. “Our estimates show that once every 15 minutes in the U.S., a pedestrian will be struck and killed by a car gunning down the street to place their order for a sausage, egg, and cheese McGriddle meal before the restaurant transitions to lunch at 11 a.m.,” said administrator Ann Carlson, who recommended that pedestrians keep themselves safe by using designated crosswalks to stay as far away from McDonald’s as possible, lest they be mowed down by a pick-up truck driver too hungry for hash browns to notice their body flying over the windshield. “In addition, nearly 1,000 cyclists are struck annually after getting decked by drivers who missed the cut-off time, but do an illegal U-turn in the middle of the intersection to see if the McDonald’s on the other side of town is still doing breakfast. We’d really advise that you don’t go for a walk or bike at all until the McDonald’s kitchen has stopped serving eggs.” At press time, Carlson added that 85% of the pedestrians who survived were so badly injured, they could barely crawl into McDonald’s to beat the breakfast cut-off time.

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Elon Musk Hides In Dark Twitter Office As Landlord Bangs On Door Demanding Rent

The Onion Staff — Fri, 16 Dec 2022 13:00:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO—Hissing at his remaining employees to close the blinds and stay out of sight, Elon Musk reportedly hid in a darkened office at Twitter headquarters Friday as his landlord banged on the door demanding that he pay rent. “Oh, shit—everybody get down and shut up,” said Musk, who according to sources turned out the lights, ducked behind a desk, and lay trembling on the floor as the property owner shook the handle of the locked office door. “Fuck, is it already two weeks late? You two, turn off those noisy servers and barricade the doors. The rest of you go back to your beds and stay quiet until he leaves.” At press time, reports confirmed Musk was begging the landlord to show him some sympathy and give a struggling single dad with nine children to feed some extra time to scrape the money together.

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