Vol 61: Issue 37

Entertainment

Artist Profile: Sombr

Sombr, the artist behind hits “Undressed” and “Back To Friends,” won his first ever award at the 2025 MTV VMAs on Sunday. The Onion shares…
American Voices

Treasury Secretary Bessent Threatens To Punch Senior Trump Official In Face

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent erupted at top housing finance official Bill Pulte during a private dinner, threatening to “punch [him] in [his] fucking face” after…
American Voices

Study: Warmer Weather Drives More Sugar Consumption

A study published in Nature Climate Change found that warmer temperatures drive Americans to consume more added sugar, especially from sodas and frozen treats. What…
News

Visit From JD Vance Last Thing Utah Needs Right Now

SALT LAKE CITY—Alarmed by numerous reports that the vice president was currently en route to the state, sources confirmed Thursday that a visit from JD…
News

Witnesses Assumed Charlie Kirk Shooter Was Just Ordinary Gunman On School Campus

OREM, UT—As law enforcement officials search for a person of interest in the assassination of 31-year-old Turning Point USA co-founder Charlie Kirk, witnesses on the…
Politics

Trump: ‘Political Violence Has No Place In My Inner Circle’

News

Pros And Cons Of Deploying Troops To Chicago

Chicagoans are waiting tensely to see whether President Donald Trump will follow through on his threat to deploy the National Guard. The Onion examines the…
American Voices

Justice Barrett Defends Overturning ‘Roe v. Wade’

In her first television interview since joining the Supreme Court, Justice Amy Coney Barrett defended the Dobbs decision overturning Roe v. Wade, claiming abortion policy…
Entertainment

Emerald Fennell Assures Fans ‘Wuthering Heights’ Will Be Faithful Adaptation Of ‘Twilight’

LONDON—Promising a “dark, brooding romance,” Wuthering Heights director Emerald Fennell assured fans Thursday that her new movie would be a faithful adaptation of Twilight. “When you take on a…
Sports

ATP Reveals They’re Not Sure Where Ball Boys Come From

LONDON—Admitting complete ignorance as to the mysterious origins of the creatures, the Association of Tennis Professionals revealed to reporters Wednesday that they weren’t entirely sure…
Politics

Trump Claims He Can’t Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters

WASHINGTON—Stressing that it was unrealistic to think he would recollect one such letter out of the vast number he has written in his lifetime, President…
American Voices

4-Year-Old Accepted Into Mensa

A 4-year-old from Illinois who scored 156 out of 160 on an IQ test was accepted into Mensa, the largest and oldest high-IQ organization in…